How I Killed My Lover
by toomanycurls
Summary: Sequel to Epitaph. I recommend reading Epitaph first. I spent a good deal of my life avoiding love. I’ve always been a very romantically minded person, but it didn’t seem practical for a werewolf to bother with love.
1. Rusty Sweeping Skills

I spent a good deal of my life avoiding love. I've always been a very romantically minded person, but it didn't seem practical for a werewolf to bother with love. There was too much risk involved. I don't mean the usual pangs of heartbreak or rejection. I mean death. There's always death involved when a werewolf falls in love. I didn't know any other werewolves from whom I could extract this assumption. It was and has been my gut feeling on the matter since, well, since I started thinking about women.

Being the idiot that I can be, I went against my gut. I fell for a woman and it cost her more than she ever thought it would. I fooled myself into believing a lie- that we could make thing work… that we'd be happy. I hope to get to that part later on though. Sifting through my memories of her has made it painfully clear that, although I did not raise a hand her, my wolfishness killed her. I alone bear the fault in her death.

When I met her… It's still hard to say her name. When I first met Nymphadora, or Tonks as she preferred to be called, I knew quite a bit about her. I was best friends with her Mother's cousin, Sirius Black. It was Sirius' idea that we probe her out as a member of the Order. He thought she would make a great addition to our ranks. Dumbledore agreed and asked Kingsley and Arthur Weasley to stage a conversation about our meeting in front of her. Dumbledore said she was quite clever and nosey. She'd ask about their whispering. Sirius mentioned she was a Metamorphmagus, which was a rare skill indeed. I was interested to meet her.

I wish I could say that I was debonair and swept her off her feet, which most men claim when they describe themselves in a romantic sense. However, I'm not most men and my sweeping skills were quite rusty. My initial impression of her was similar to breathing fresh air for the first time in many years. She wasn't very refined and came across as being a bit batty, but she did have spunk to her. Her pink hair stood out like confetti at a funeral, well, except for the whole 'inappropriate' aspect. Her hair was perfect for her personality. 

She was just as inquisitive and Dumbledore said she would be. She asked questions when she was unsure of a plan and she was bright. Tonks managed to come up with a brilliant idea to get Harry's Aunt and Uncle out of their house. She came up with it in a moment's notice too. I made a mental note to not play her at Poker, or if I did, to bet sparingly. Her youthful exuberance was a delight, though, I was reluctant to pay her too much attention. I didn't want to seem imprudent. I wasn't thinking of her as a potential romantic partner- she was just unique and I felt like a moth exposed to a bright light.

Despite my awed feelings, I didn't talk to her very much that night. In my few brief exchanges with her that night, I managed to commit a faux pas. I introduced her as Nymphadora. Her voice was slightly sharp as she corrected me. I quite liked the sound of Nymphadora; I decided to use it in spite of her preference. It reminded me of the name of a goddess from a play I read in my youth, or better put, in a different lifetime.

I hate to sound doltish or cliché, but my infatuation with Tonks did begin the night I met her although I tried to ignore it. I am an observer by nature. I saw her as a new puzzle to piece together, a new work of art to analyze. After the others went to bed and she was alone with Sirius and me, I saw some intriguing flairs to her personality as she and Sirius caught up on family news.

"How's Andromeda?" Sirius' eyes darted to a point above Tonks' shoulder. He always did that when he spoke of something painful or important. The first time he did it was after his broomstick was snapped in two by his mother.

"She's doing 'right. Always worried though. She nags me about having a dangerous job." Tonks laughed airily. Her face glowed with affection for her mother. I could tell that, no matter how much she complained, she wouldn't want her mother any other way. "How's life on the outside?" She smiled vivaciously.

"Oh it's bloody wonderful." Sirius' words rang with sarcasm. "I've always wanted to watch others running around fighting evil while I sit back and clean house." I thought his harshness would cause Tonks to recoil, but she didn't. 

"So you like being a voyeur?" She asked impishly. Sirius formed a grudging smile. "You know I'm part of the 'Catch Sirius Black' team? I could take you in if you'd prefer life in Azkaban." Tonks looked pensive for a moment then said, "I could use the prize money too. I've had my eye on a new broom." Sirius voiced his relief that a broom was more important to her than his liberty. "Just thought I'd put it in perspective." She answered simply.

I could see that she and Sirius would be good friends. They both liked to match wits and jest. I realized that I was not making the effort to chat that I usually made with people. I felt rude for not being social so I offered to walk Tonks to the door. I said that she might run into Kreacher, which is always a bit of a shock. We made it up to the umbrella stand and Tonks managed to trip over it. I thought she might be a magnet for large bulky items; they always seemed to get in her way.

Tonks fell into my arms looking quite surprised to be there. I felt momentarily stunned. I hadn't felt another person's body against mine in what felt like years. Tonks smiled sheepishly as I helped her to her feet. Sirius came up the stairs to investigate the ruckus. His eyes narrowed as they saw my arm was still securely around Tonks' waist. I hadn't realized I was still holding her. I let go of her like a person lets go of a hot pan. Her eyes twinkled as she walked towards the door waving goodbye. I listened for a moment after the door shut; I expected to hear the trashcans topple over.

Sirius was smiling in his perverse way. "Making a move already, Moony?" He was joking, I could tell, but I still blushed. When I didn't answer he rolled his eyes. "You're always touchy about the F-factor." I didn't have to ask what the F-factor was. It held one of two significances. Female was the one he usually meant, but sometimes it meant Farah. Farah was a woman I was once foolish enough to love, but she's another story not meant for today. "What did you think of her?" Sirius asked me watching my face carefully. It took him the better part of 20 years but he learned how to read me but he had it down to an art.

"She'll be a good addition." I said vaguely. "To the Order." I added. Sirius raised his eyebrows telling me he found my answer inadequate. "Well, she's smart and funny. I wonder though… do you think she uses her Metamorphagus abilities to change her daily appearance?"

Sirius laughed. "You're such a dog, Remus." I gave him a stern look. I didn't mean it like _that_. "She looks a lot like her parents- apart from the hair. So, no, I don't think she's prancing around looking much different than she would if she wasn't a Metamorphmagus." Sirius was trying to read my face. I was determined not to blush. I found her attractive, but I wouldn't dream of pursuing her. "I think the two of you would be a good match." Sirius didn't have a joking undertone.

"Oh yeah, I'm sure she'd _love_ to be with a werewolf who's almost twice her age." I said with an unusual bite of sarcasm. "I don't know where you got your brain, but I hope you kept the receipt." Sirius smirked at me as he always did when he pushed a button. I wasn't sure why his comment hit a nerve like it did. I went to bed before he goaded me into saying anything else rash.

The next day, I had every intention of making it clear to Sirius that I did _not_ fancy Tonks. I found her to be an intriguing person… but the thought of actively seeking anything more than friendship with her at odds with my 'werewolves do not date' ideals. I was mulling that over when I heard a crash near the entryway.

Tonks was flat on her back with the umbrella stand clenched to her chest. I walked over to her and looked down at her. She had a scrunched look on her face as if she was trying to will her situation to be less awkward. When she opened her eyes, I said that she could keep the umbrella stand if she liked it so much. I picked the stand up off Tonks and extended a hand to help her up. Tonks' cheeks flushed and she scurried downstairs.

I was quite surprised while we all were making dinner. The kitchen didn't explode. Molly had the foresight to give Tonks a thoroughly non-explosive and non-mobile job. She did manage to soak us all in Butterbeer. Well, by 'us all' I mean my shoe and a large area of the floor. I felt slightly responsible for the mess. I had been sneaking a look at her as she poured the drinks. Her hands shook slightly; I thought it was out of nerves. The woman had a job where she could face some of the most evil and vile wizards, but pouring drinks made her nervous. She caught me looking at her and I tore my gaze away. Her eyes must have lingered on me for too long because the next sound we heard was the clang of goblets and the loud expletive that left Tonk's lips. I dashed towards the table in an attempt to do…something but I only manage to get a shoe-full of liquid.

The meeting that night was quite crowded. I was shunted into a corner next to Tonks, not that I minded. She had been changing her nose during dinner; she rather enjoyed the reaction it got out of people. Her last nose was similar to that of Alastor Moody. His eye kept drifting to Tonks. It wasn't like him to notice anyone, but I imagined that the combination of Tonks' vibrant personality and her copy of his nose captured his gaze as it would any man. She seemed puzzled by his glances. I leaned close to her putting my hand on her knee to get her attention and said "Your nose." Tonks' eyes grew in dismay as she dropped her quill and resurfaced with her usual nose.

I had a moment of panic. I had touched her in a far too intimate manner. She didn't seem phased at all; it was as casual as a poke in the arm. For a man who had not as much as _hugged_ a woman in a matter of years, it was akin to groping her in front of a large group. I told myself that she was merely being polite by not fussing about me touching her. Most women were. Then I caught a smell of something that threw my mind through a curve. _Pheromones_- she had been aroused. Being a werewolf had more downsides than I could possibly list, but one of the few advantages were the advanced senses. It wasn't anything super-wizard, but they were refined. I could smell fear, anger…and arousal among other things. I told myself that her arousal was purely reactionary, much like hitting two rocks together and getting a spark.

Tonks watched the meeting like a cat watches mice run around a kitchen. She didn't talk too often, but she was alert during the entire meeting. She didn't linger that night; she left with Moody. He was _chatting_ with her. The Moody I knew didn't chat, but the Moody I knew hadn't known too many Aurors like her either. I highly doubted that Tonks realized she was so captivating. She had a very raw charm about her. I forced her to the back of my mind that night. The more I thought about her smile, her lips the more I felt guilt and self-disgust. I couldn't shake her smile from my mind's eye.

I was slightly anxious before the next meeting. Sirius noticed and goaded me for it. "Lupin, it doesn't matter how many times you check your reflection, you'll still see your face in the mirror. Sorry." He grinned roguishly and started twirling his wand in his hands.

I turned away from the mirror feeling embarrassed that he caught me. "I just can't get over how _old_ I look." I tore away from the mirror feeling vain for dwelling on my appearance.

Sirius laughed without really looking at me. I was distracting himself with a deck of cards. "Lucky for you some women go for the 'older man' look. Especially once you add 'professor' to your name. I'm surprised you didn't have any students chasing you at Hogwarts." Sirius smirked at me; his eyes flickered towards me.

"They were lining up in the halls." I said dryly while shooting him a sarcastic look. "That would be so inappropriate." I added in a serious note. Sirius sniggered about women liking the inappropriate. "_You_ are a dog." I said rolling my eyes. Sirius hadn't been with a woman in who knows how long and that kind of depravation was torture for him. He got off on smut, but it wasn't near the same for him as being with a person.

We stopped our conversation when we heard the doorbell ring. The twits always used the doorbell. After the meeting Tonks hung back again. She asked us questions about Harry in the same way a person asks for notes right before an exam. Tonks' questions weren't the usual questions people asked about Harry. She didn't bother inquiring if he _really_ had a scar like most people did; that would be too obvious of a question for her to ask. She asked what his favorite color was, how he did in school, and our favorite memory of Harry.

We didn't know what his favorite color was; he wasn't exactly fashion savvy, but I could answer about his best subject in school. "Harry excels at Defense Against the Dark Arts." I said feeling proud at the thought. "I taught him to do a Patronus charm a couple of years back." Tonks eyes lit up in surprise. She let out a low 'wow.' "He worked at it relentlessly. The Dementors were a threat and he near passed out when he was near them." I was about to explain why he reacted to them as he did, but Tonks' face showed every sign of understanding.

"Saved my life actually." Sirius added. "Same night he attacked me actually." Tonks looked perplexed; I couldn't blame her. I had read gossip columns that were more concise. "I was trying to kill Peter Pettigrew- a traitor former friend who was living as a rat that belonged to Ron." He gestured towards the ceiling to indicate the Ron who was upstairs. "I was running around as a dog—"

"You guys are animagi? No wonder we couldn't find you." Tonks laughed. "Good thing we don't know though." She added smiling mischievously.

"The three of us, James, Peter and I did it." He said shortly. Sirius was eager to tell her his story. "I saw Ron carrying Pettigrew and I had to get him. Harry and Hermione were running after them, the idiots were headed towards the Whomping Willow. I grabbed Ron and with him Peter. Drug him to a tunnel under the tree."

"There's something _under_ it?" Tonks asked incredulously. "That thing nearly took my left ear off in my fourth year. How'd you get close to it?"

"There's a knot that freezes the tree." I explained. "We used it quite often at school during our rule-breaking days."

Sirius laughed. "You make it sound like we _stopped_ breaking rules at some point. We ended up in detention so often that Filch didn't have to do half his cleaning jobs. We'd end up in detention and do them instead." I coughed slightly. Sirius made it sound like I also landed myself in detention. "Remus here was our voice of reason; not that we listened."

"You're sidetracked." I said nudging Sirius. He snapped back into story-telling mode. Everything was fine until we got to the part where Harry and Hermione traveled back in time to save Sirius from the Dementors.

"You're pulling me leg." She said grinning. Tonks wasn't one to be easily swayed on something. We spent the better part of fifteen minutes explaining why they had a time turner. "So, you're both either incredible liars _or_ telling me the truth. Now if it was just you, Sirius, I'd say you were taking the mickey, but I trust Remus a bit more than I trust you." She smiled at Sirius' indignant look.

"I see how far blood gets me." He grinned as he spoke. "Back to the story. The used the time turner and saved themselves and me- twice actually. Then I rode off on Buckbeak. It was after that, when Remus and I became friends again, that he was cleared by the Ministry."

Tonks laughed and yawned at the same time. It was quite late. "I think I'm going home. I have to get out of bed in the morning." Sirius, in all of his subtlety, made to kick me under the table. I held in a grimace as he hit the table with a thud. I offered to walk Tonks upstairs in fear that Sirius might say something ridiculously inappropriate. Tonks smiled brightly and agreed to have my company.

We made it past the umbrella stand without incident. I was going to congratulate Tonks on her achievement, but Hermione's cat came out of nowhere and collided with her feet. "I guess some things never change." She said as we both chuckled. I stopped when we got to the door and opened my mouth to say goodnight when she asked me to walk with her a bit more. I agreed and pulled a sweater from the closet. It was a bit chilly out that night. "Make that one yourself?" She asked with a grin. I looked at my sweater in mock concern and asked if the sleeves were off. I paused a moment before saying that I did make it. I was quite proud of it too. When Sirius had found out I could knit, he said I'd make someone a good wife one day.

I glanced at Tonks as she mentioned special training in the field of 'hand-made sweaters and their Dark counterparts.' She laughed loudly; I smiled. "Dark sweaters? Like the ones you see at Christmas?" She snorted and let out a loud 'yes!' My stomach squirmed. She was flirting with me. Then I squashed that idea; she was just being nice. We walked in silence for a few moments, my stomach still doing loopty-loops.

"D'you think it'll really be dangerous tomorrow?" She asked coming to a stop. I stopped too and looked off into the distance. I wasn't sure how to answer. There was always the possibility of something going wrong. My gaze returned to Tonks. Her hair was very pretty under the glow of the streetlights. I said that with luck, we'd get through everything. She laughed fidgeting slight. "All that planning and we're relying on luck?" She raised an eyebrow.

I tore my gaze away from her face; my stomach was doing back flips. "Well, luck and some highly trained witches and wizards." I glanced around, hoping that I'd find something to focus on other than her bright eyes. She let out a 'hmm' and muttered something I didn't catch. I did notice that she was very close to me and before I could register what she was doing, Tonks kissed me sensually. My lips did the thinking for me; they responded to her kiss with the same vigor. My hand was a bit slow on the uptake. It eventually found its way to her waist and stayed there.

Tonks took her time pulling out of the kiss saying "That should take care of the luck part." She looked dreamy as she backed away a few feet and disaparated. I stood there much like a Hippogriff caught in headlights. My cheeks were flushed from her kiss. My lips felt cold without her mouth pressed against them. A breeze hit my face and I could feel the sharp contrast between where her tongue brushed against me and where it had not. I didn't go right back to Grimmauld Place after that. I sat on a swing set at the park we used for apparation. I tried to purge my mind of the optimistic thoughts her kiss instilled in my head. She was being friendly. I told myself to forget the aroma of arousal she emitted before she left. _It was just a friendly gesture, much like a handshake._ That's what I kept telling myself. I doubted that she was obsessing over the kiss nearly as much I was. With that thought, I trudge back to Grimmauld Place trying to think of an excuse for my prolonged absence. 

A/N: Any questions regaurding "so...who did die" won't be answered :P I'm fickle like that. Thanks for reading. I hope it wasn't dissappointing.


	2. Is it Hard?

Images from kissing Tonks crept into my mind at uncomfortable moments the next day. The worse one was in the shower. I was, well, taming the wolf. Not something I did during every shower, but parts of my body were acting on their own accord. I thought it best to work _that_ out before I had to be function- around people. I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings and definitely didn't hear Sirius come in to use the toilet. There _were_ other bathrooms, but he insisted he liked the toilet in that one the best. Usually he wouldn't bat an eyelash when he heard his best mate taking care of himself, but he heard something slip my lips, something I had not meant to say. "_Tonks_." My eyes shot open. I almost slipped backwards but I regained balance. It was then that I noticed Sirius. His back was to me. "Don't you ever knock?" I said tersely.

Sirius glanced over his shoulder. "No, why would I?" I muttered something about giving privacy. "If you wanted to wank off to Tonks in private, you would have locked the door." I could hear the smirk in his voice. I grabbed a towel and stole to my room, making sure to lock the door as I dressed.

On top of being worried about getting Harry that night, I was a bit worried that Sirius would tell Tonks about my shower incident. My worries about Sirius' behavior came to nothing. As much as he'd push my buttons when we were alone or in a small group; he was mature enough to not do so in public. He once reduced me to tears during our time at school and after that, he still jested and pushed my buttons, but he stopped before it got to be too much. 

Tonks walked into the kitchen at Grimmauld Place looking apprehensive. She must have regretted the kiss from the previous night. I couldn't blame her; well, I hoped she enjoyed it, but it didn't seem she wanted to openly acknowledge it. On top of her worried expression, Tonks had purple hair that day and a guitar case. I rather liked her purple hair; I did prefer pink though. Sirius chided her about 'going to a peace rally.' I was perplexed by the guitar case until she opened it. In the moments before she took her broomstick out, I played with the idea of her singing on a lark. I couldn't help but smile at the idea.

When we left for Privet Drive I was behind Tonks as she ascended the stairs. She almost tripped over the umbrella stand, but Moody pulled her away. Her need for tripping being unfulfilled, she stumbled into Emmeline Vance. I couldn't help but smirk. She walked like a ball in a pinball machine. Tonks caught my eye and asked if something was amusing me. "No, nothing Nympha-" She cut me off and corrected me. I would have thought she was angry if not for the twinkle in her eyes and her lingering gaze.

I couldn't wipe the smirk from my face. Tonks noticed it and commented. "With a smirk like that you either got shagged or won the lottery. But, seeing as Sirius didn't look nearly as content as you do, I'm guessing the lottery." I held back I laugh and told her that present company made me smirk. I could have kicked myself for being so openly flirtatious. I was sending the wrong signals. I knew I had to set things straight that night; let her know that I wasn't _that_ kind of guy… that I couldn't be more than a friend.

Getting Harry couldn't have gone smoother. Well, it could have, but we managed to pull it off without any hold ups. My handshake theory was slightly confirmed as I watched Tonks joke with Moody. She was nice like that naturally; it didn't necessarily indicate attraction. As we got ready to take off, I eye Tonks' harness. I wondered why she'd have that lying around. It was big enough to carry several trunks. She shrunk it down to size as she attached Harry's trunk to her broom. Perhaps she had questionable extracurricular activities. As we flew back to Grimmauld Place, I kept my mind off the reasons she'd have such an interesting item. We were after all, in the middle of a dangerous mission.

When we landed, Tonks struggled with the trunk. She was in danger of toppling over. I went to her aide right away. "Let me help you." I said extending a hand towards her. She was teetering on top of the trunk. She said there was no need but then swayed dangerously. I helped Tonks off before she could say she was doing it all right on her own. "Nice harness, by the way." I said quietly as we carried the trunks in. I held back a scowl. I was flirting again. Tonks grinned impishly. I knew I had to nip this in the bud.

I waited until after dinner, when she was on her way out. Tonks' eyes lit up when I offered to walk her out. I was working out the words to use; I didn't want to sound presumptuous and every way I thought to say 'I want to be just friends' made me sound egotistic, at best. Thankfully, Tonks initiated the talk with "I guess that luck helped out." She was smiling at me in an eager way.

My next breath was sharp and I forced out the words that had been playing in my mind. "It's best if we were just friends, nothing more. I'm…" It occurred to me that she might not know. "I'm a werewolf." I told all of this to her shoes. Tonks caressed my cheek with her hand, lifting my gaze up to her heart-shaped face.

Our eyes met for a few moments. We were both trying to read the other. "I know that, and if it bothered me, I wouldn't be here." She pulled me into a tight hug, much too tight to be a 'just friends' hug. When she stepped away she was smiling in a way that made it plane she was related to Sirius. "If I was trying to be more than your friend, you'd know by now." I let out an involuntary laugh. Sirius use to say that to girls all the time. I shook my head slightly and told her she was a lot like him. Tonks was smiling slightly when she disaparated.

Sirius was waiting up for me when I got back to Grimmauld Place. "You were out late." He said looking over a book he was thumbing through. I took a side trip around the block to clear my head.

Raising my eyebrows I said, "You're not my mother." Sirius smirked and agreed he wasn't, but it was a shame because my mum had a nice rear. "You stayed up to tell me that?" I asked sitting across from him in the study.

"Of course not. I wanted to see how late you'd be snogging Tonks." He hadn't mentioned the bathroom incident up until that point. One of the ramifications of being stuck at Grimmauld Place was Sirius becoming overly interested in the lives of others. In our younger days, he had been impassive, if not completely unaware that other people had lives.

I grabbed a book and started to read it. Sirius coughed to remind me that I should say something about the 'snogging Tonks' allegation. "We did not snog." I said sounding churlish. "I should go to bed." I got up yawning. I _was_ tired, but I mainly wanted to avoid more questions from Sirius. As I left he said I should lock the door if I had 'plans.'

Since I didn't have those sort of plans for the night, I didn't lock the door. I wish I had. About the time when my eyelids started to close lazily, the door opened. I looked around in the dark. I could smell something, but I couldn't see anything. I was about to tell Kreacher to go away when Padfoot leaped at me barking. I let out a yell as he went for my leg. "Get off me, Sirius." I said yanking my leg away from his lapping tongue. Sirius left without transforming. I was sure that if dogs could smirk, his would be akin to that of a Cheshire cat.

Work kept me busy in the following weeks. It was like being in school again. I would go to the Ministry and talk to some wanks about Magical Creatures, pray against hope that they didn't know about my wolfish side, do reports, and deal with Sirius. I spent many nights reading books on magical creatures I had yet to come across. I was grateful that Grimmauld Place had a sizable study with a good selection of books. Tonks managed to find me in there reading late one night. I didn't know why she was there; it had to be close to midnight. She grabbed a book about werewolves and sat down at the table with me. "You're up late." I said glancing up. "Interesting book." I wondered if she picked that one out on purpose or if it was coincidental.

Tonks looked up, the bags under her eyes were quite noticeable. "Oh, yeah. I think it's a bit outdated." She said with a look of disgust. I read that book some time before; it suggested that people slit the throats of all wolves they encounter. "How have you been?" She asked with her gaze back on the book.

I said that I had been 'fair' and that work was keeping me busy. "How's guard duty going?" I asked looking up. She said it was exhausting to stay up for days on end. "Why are you at home in bed then?"

Tonks glanced up for a moment. "I miss having company. Sirius and everyone else is in bed." She turned around and grabbed another book; this one was titled _Purebloods and Where to Find Them_. Flipping through this book caused her to scowl again. After a few moments of silence she asked, "Is it hard?"

I looked up from the notes I was taking. "Pardon me?" I had no idea to what she was referring. Thankfully, Sirius was not anywhere in earshot. I couldn't believe she'd ask me such a personal question. Kissing was one thing, but inquiring to the status of- well _that_ was something I doubted even Sirius would do.

Tonks stared hard at the book. "Never mind, it was a stupid question." Now I really didn't know what she meant. Inappropriate, sure, but stupid? "I'm sorry I asked."

I put my quill down. "I'm not sure what you asked." I said trying to read her face. She finally reestablished eye contact with me. "Please." My voice was hoarse but gentle. "Tell me what you meant."

She let out a breath as if gearing to jump into a bathtub with the Giant Squid. "Is it hard being a werewolf?" I had't expected that to come out of her mouth. Of course it was hard, but I had a feeling there was more to her question. "I've never known a werewolf before," She started to explain, "And I was thinking how difficult it must have been. Up until the Wolfsbane potion came out. Even then, you have to transform. I just thought it'd be difficult."

Shock was surging through my brain. No one had really talked to me about this before. Most people just assumed that life was more difficult as a werewolf without inquiring about it. "It doesn't just have a physical affect on me. There always have been social repercussions, personal ones too. It's something I've gotten use to."

A sad look fell on Tonk's face. "That sounds so lonely." She said quietly shutting the book she had been looking at. I gulped feeling that this would soon work into an awkward moment. Tonks stood up with a small smile. "It's late; I don't want to bother you anymore." She left squeezing my shoulder. I called out a goodbye before she left. I couldn't concentrate after that. I attributed the excessive thought she put into my 'condition' to her long nights at the Ministry. I'm sure she ran out of interesting things to mull over after the first few nights.

The next few weeks flew by. When Harry's hearing was upon us, I made a point of being up a lot earlier than usual. Sirius was up with Arthur and Molly when I went into the kitchen. I had a cup of tea and some toast. Tonks wandered in a few minutes later. She looked dead on her feet. She sat next to me resting her head into her hands. I started talking about Macnair and his refusal to spill any thing resembling 'the beans.' 

Harry came in looking like he wanted to be invisible. We all said good morning as he sat down. Tonks told us that Scrimgeour was asking some odd questions. She couldn't stop yawning. I wondered how many days she had been up. Harry left with Arthur a few moments later. "What sort of questions is he asking?" I was worried that he was noticing people acting oddly or if he was being shrewd- or both.

A sense of foreboding sunk in as she said he asked her about her lack of energy. Tonks' boyfriend explanation had the ring of a lie that could get the Order into trouble later. What would happen is someone inquired as to her lover's identity? Tonks was too tired to really mull that over. She was nodding off at the table. I told her she needed to get some sleep and offered my room for her. 

Tonks didn't object as I led her up the stairs and into my room. I pulled the covers back for her and made sure she actually got into bed. She probably wouldn't have noticed if she slept on a bed of Bowtruckles, but I couldn't bear the thought of her being uncomfortable. I stood near her waiting for her to swing her legs into bed when she asked me something I hadn't expected at all. "Why don't you stay with me?" Her voice was tense, almost nervous.

I was going to flat-out say no when she took my hand and said please. I couldn't believe I was going to do it, it was too Sirius-ish. I slipped off my shoes and crawled into bed suddenly remembering that I had to write to work. I got up pacing the room. I looked quite the prat. Tonks' amused laughter filled my ears. "I have to send a note to work." I muttered grabbing a parchment and scribbling a note. Midday, I could be midday. A sigh escaped my lips after I sent it the note.

Crawling into bed with Tonks caused my stomach to squirm with delight. It was then I learned that Tonks was a cuddle bug. She nuzzled against me, the soft skin of her cheek nestled against my neck. I could hear her take in a deep breath to take in my smell. Smiling she kissed me half on the lips, half on the cheek. She pulled my arm over her as if it were a blanket and quickly dozed off. Much to my surprise, I fell asleep too. It was abnormally relaxing there. I knew that I couldn't let this go to my head or give me thoughts of anything but being her friend, but it was comforting to feel someone else's body willing pressed against mine. Being in bed with her caused parts of my body to behave quite on their own. I was probably the first man in history to wish that his endowment would shrink, even for a nap.

I didn't wake up until she stirred in my arms. Her back had been to me but she turned over to face me. I didn't have to open my eyes to know what she was doing. Her eyes were raking over my features, taking in the scars, probably wondering how one man could have so many. Then her hands were gently pressed against my face. It was an innocent gesture but for me it was quite sensual. I didn't say anything until she brushed some hair from my eyes. I couldn't help but smile as I pointed out she was quite awake for someone who had been napping during breakfast.

Tonks smile was immediate and breathtaking. It probably wouldn't make it into an advert, but it was enough to wheedle its way into my dark mind. "Two people sleeping together results in four time the rest." She rattled off as if it were a common proverb. I laughed rolling my eyes.

"More of your Auror training." I said playing along. Tonks nodded her eyes were still taking in my face. I wanted to ask her something that I usually wouldn't be so bold as to ask, but she had been bold with me so I went for it. "Why don't you like to sleep alone?"

Tonks' face fell slightly. It seemed for a second that she didn't have a reason for dragging me into bed with her until her voice, in an unusually quiet tone, said, "Our house was attacked… Death Eaters ya know. I was just about to go to Hogwarts. They…" She took in a sharp breath.

A world of things they could have done filled my head, horrible cruel things. "Did they..?" I couldn't even form the words. I felt like a boy asking about the noises his parents make at night- incredibly stupid would be a better way to put it. I put my hand on Tonks' waist wanting to comfort her in some way. She caught the drift of my unformed sentence and shook her head explaining. That a group of them came to her house, threatened her parents and woke her up in the middle of the night scaring the daylights out of her.

Her eyes communicated the intimacy of this information. I had a feeling that most men, when asked to sleep in a bed with Tonks, would take that as a green light to let their hands roam free. I could understand the terror of being alone in the night with only one's nightmares. I pulled out one of my oldest friends. My security Rabbit. I told Tonks about him saying he was a gift from my parents after I was bitten. She took him in the tender way one might expect her to take a newborn. "He's darling." She breathed stroking his ears. "I sleep with Elton John." I laughed and so did she. Unfortunately, the clock caught my eyes and responsibility kicked in. I rushed off to work, taking care to sneak out without Sirius or anyone else noticing me.

My cheeks were flushed most of the day, which helped them believe I had been sick. I couldn't quite get over the way I felt next to Tonks. She was dominating my thoughts effortlessly. I doubted I made a dent in hers. I kept trying not to think like that. I shouldn't be anywhere near her thoughts much less her sleeping form. At least I could say that my mind would clear itself of these thoughts as the full moon came upon me; that was my theory at least.


	3. Whispered Rebuttal

"Why don't you stay here for the full moon?" Sirius was disappointed that we could not relive our school days. "You'll be safe for the others to be around." He had been using the same argument all day. I didn't _want_ to be around people while I transformed. I knew I'd be perfectly safe on my own. "I'll worry about you." Sirius said with a pout.

I gave him a discerning stare and saw genuine concern in his eyes. "Padfoot," I started putting a hand on his shoulder. "This won't be my first transformation… it's definitely not my first one alone." I let a cold, short laugh then tried to form a caring expression. "I'll be fine on my own, trust me." I left a few minutes after that. I wanted to be nestled in before the moon rose in the sky.

I remembered to strip my clothes before the moon was at its zenith. One reason I preferred solitude during the full moon was that being around people meant remaining dressed and ripping my clothing and that was something I couldn't quite afford. I could feel the moon's affects as my hair stood on end. My body tensed up in the same way a person seizes up when they're caught red-handed and knows their punishment is imminent. In all my years of painful transformations, I hadn't found a comfortable posture for my change. I tried lying down, standing, stretching out, curling up, doing yoga, but no matter what I chose as my pretransformation action, my skin tightened, my muscles spasmed and the wolf devoured my body in the same excruciating bestial way each month.

With Wolfsbane I could concentrate and cling on to my sanity. The potion helped calm the beast but it did not make him go away. I was not a threat if I did submit to the beast; my bite would not inflict other people with the curse. Part of me liked bearing the burden alone; it sharpened me and made me face my own demons. I never imagined enjoying my transformations as I had in school. Then again, I never dreamed someone would care enough to stay with me those long and often wearisome nights.

It wasn't care or concern that brought Tonks to my place that night. I didn't detect it right away; I was trying to scare her into leaving. My teeth were bared and I growled. When her voice hit my ears and I could smell the fear and panic she tracked in, I realized there was something wrong. Tonks' voice trembled as she spoke as she pleaded to stay. Even with the wolf surging in my head, I could feel a swell of concern for her safety and well-being overpowering the wolf in my head. I took a bit of her robes into my mouth and led her into my sitting room. If it hadn't been for the wolf, I would have been mortified at the prospect of having Tonks in my ragged home.

For someone who had come to me drenched in fear and anger, Tonks' demeanor changed quickly. The smell of fear ebbed away as she told me what happened. She had been attacked by Dawlish, an Auror in her office. It sounded as if he took it upon himself to investigate her claims of having a significant other. Even though her words were making my blood boil, the sound of her voice had a soothing affect that overpowered the part of my brain that was a wolf.

Listening to Tonks that night gave me a chance to take in subtle details that I usually wouldn't catch when I had to worry about articulating a response. Her lips seemed redder than the ripest apple. Seeing them form words and make her facial gestures was quite sensual for me, even as a wolf. The actual words she said floated through my head like little seeds of a dandelion caught in the wind. Some phrases and discourses stood out more than others, but I was able to follow her speech with piqued interest. I rested my head in her lap deviously enjoying the close contact. Tonks petted me absentmindedly. I must have seemed like a pet to her.

Tonks got up and stretched after a few hours of talking to me. I watched her, my eyes lingering on her figure longer than I would have if I wasn't battling with the beast in my head. When she said something about sleeping on the couch I ran to the bed and barked at her. I generally disliked barking, but I didn't have any other way to tell her that I wanted her to sleep in there. I wish I could say this was merely out of consideration for her fear of sleeping alone, but a lot of it had to do with the moon's affect on my brain. I did have enough control to look away as Tonks stripped herself of clothing to change. The parts of her I saw before I hid my face gave me enough ammunition for several showers. I despised myself for being so lustful for a woman who came to me in a time of need.

I couldn't figure out why she wanted to turn to me during that time of the month. Had it been any of the other 30 days, I would have understood. We were not bosom-buddies, but she seemed to trust me and I couldn't help but place a bit of trust in her. She must have gone to Grimmauld Place after her attack, but what brought her here. Surely Sirius would have said some words of comfort and he would have been entertaining. _Maybe she likes me_. I pushed that thought away as she climbed into bed. I rested my head on her chest- more wolf influence. I drifted off to sleep with my mind buzzing with conflicting thoughts.

It was the cold air that woke me up in the morning. I did get up as I transformed back to my human self, but I was in too much of a stupor to call it being awake. I was under the blankets with Tonks, so the cold air on my backside was a shock against my skin. She started to stroke my head in the same way she had the night before. "I'm not a wolf anymore." I said dryly. My mind caught up with my senses and I realized that I was starkers. I jumped up and took the covers with me. Tonks looked away as I put some clothes on. I told myself she was repulsed by my body even though I had an inclination she was merely being respectful. Thinking that I repulsed her made it easier for me to also believe she did not think of me in _that_ way. When Tonks chanced a glance at me her eyes were taking in the details of my body. Tonks got out of bed and came towards me apprehensively.

I could see her eyes raking over the fresh abrasions on my exposed flesh. Tonks asked if I would be alright. I answered with a nod. That transformation wasn't nearly as hard for me as her night must have been. Without considering that we were both in our night things, I pulled Tonks into a hug. "I'm so sorry about that Dawlish. You really should do something about him." I paused for a moment. "Why did you come _here_ last night?" My voice was harsher than I meant it to be; I could see Tonks eyes flash with tears.

I pulled away slightly so I could look her in the eyes. "I went to Grimmauld Place, but you weren't there and Sirius told me you transformed…" She paused biting her lip then went on. "I didn't think you should be here, _alone_ on the full moon. Well, I wanted to be here for you, for support." My mind went to work on her explanation. _But __**you**__ weren't there_. Had she gone to Grimmauld Place specifically for me? The gurgling of Tonks' stomach brought my attention back to the realm of reality. 

Tonks muttered something about breakfast and went off into the kitchen. I poked my head around the corner slightly worried that part of my home might blow up. I sat at the table listening intently for an indication of Tonks' progress in the kitchen. I didn't think I had much to eat in the house, but she came around the corner with two bowls of hot oatmeal and a cup of tea for me. I smirked and commented about the house not being in pieces. She took my jibe in stride, sort of. Tonks' comeback was a bit odd and involved allusions to making me explode. Well, ok, it was a horrible retort, but I found it to be endearing.

Kingsley came by while we were eating. Our eyes met for a moment and I knew he was wondering what the blazes I was doing in little more than my undergarments. I dashed off to dress myself listening to Kingsley and Tonks talk. I came out of the room as she was pondering Dawlish's behavior. "I don't think he's a Death Eater." I said quietly. Tonks hadn't said that's what she was thinking, but the thought was forming on her face. I went on to explain that he was most likely jealous of her having a 'boyfriend.' It appeared that Kingsley agreed with me. He seemed agitated as Tonks rushed off to get dressed.

"Are you two…dating?" He asked in a low voice. I shook my head a bit too quickly. "So, nothing happened between the two of you?"

I let out a harsh 'hah.' "No, nothing happened. Young women like Tonks don't go for men like me, especially not poor ones." I was telling myself that more than Kingsley. He gave me a sharp look upon hearing my words and said he only asked because of Tonks' attraction to me. I blinked as if I could bat away his words with my eyelashes. Then I said in a low voice, "No, she doesn't." Kingsley opened his mouth to whisper a rebuttal when Tonks wandered out of the bedroom. We dropped the conversation.

Sirius was upset with me when I made my way to Grimmauld Place that evening. He was in a sour mood when I got there; Harry said it was because of his verdict. I assured Harry that Sirius' moping was due to a larger problem, which had little to do with Harry's hearing. When Harry gave me a quizzical look I said, "Thick-headedness." I smirked and so did Harry. I didn't think he bought my explanation; I didn't buy it either.

I didn't have to wait too long to figure out what was bothering him. "Have fun last night?" Sirius asked after the others went to bed. His eyes communicated jealously, a feeling that I thought was foreign to the man. My response was to raise an eyebrow at him. Of course I didn't 'have fun.' Who has fun when their body is ripped apart to unleash something truly animal? Sirius was crossing his arms now. He reminded me of an overbearing girlfriend who caught her guy 'helping a girl in the library.'

"Padfoot, I'm not sure we're on the same page." My tone was delicate. This was a new emotional side to Sirius. In our youth, he would have been coldly indifferent and any complaints would be met with a laugh. "I didn't invite her over."

Sirius cut me off with an angry "You didn't kick her out either." This was getting quite ridiculous.

"She came to me distraught." My voice was slightly raised. "Did you want me to kick her to the curb?" Sirius huffed loudly. "Sirius, you can't go on moping about this. You can be mad at me for not kicking someone out because she was desperate for a friend, but you could try to smile once and a while around Harry. He thinks you're upset about him returning to school." I paused waiting for Sirius to tell me that, of all the things causing him to run around like Moaning Myrtle, Harry's return to school was not one of them. I was thoroughly disappointed when no such words came. I stood up to better glare at the prat. "You should really rethink your attitude and how it affects people you love." I stole to my room making sure to lock the door. Sirius tended to barge in after fights like that.

Things between Sirius and I settled down over the next few days. I came to the realization that our relationship was comparable to that of an old married couple. I didn't mind the thought too much. It meant we'd always mend things up between us. The idea of snogging him was a bit unsettling. I didn't think I could get use to the absence of mammary tissue.

Tonks stopped by in a panic a few days later. She had been dining with her parents and they asked about her boyfriend. Ted, Tonk's dad, worked for the Ministry and had worked with Scrimgeour at one point. It would be a stretch to call them friends, but they were friendly enough for it to be within Scrimgeour to ask about Tonks' dating situation. Given her track record of being an excellent liar in times of need, I was intrigued to hear what she said to her parents. When she said, "I said I was dating Remus," in a quiet, shy voice, I felt my face stiffen. Tonks' face was pleading- last hope type of pleading. _She only said that to get out of a bind, she doesn't want to actually date you_. On that pretense, I said I could help her out and go along with her deception.

Molly and Arthur were somewhat dumbfounded by her choice of fake-boyfriends. So were Sirius and I for that matter; it seemed that this turn of events confirmed something to Sirius. Dumbledore came by unexpectedly that night. He wanted to cross paths with Tonks since her run-in with Dawlish. Dumbledore stayed with the larger group as we discussed Dawlish and Scrimgeour. I felt slightly embarrassed that Dumbledore noticed that my gaze fell onto Tonks much more than it did anyone else in the room. His eyes were twinkling after the third time he caught me unable to look away from her face. 

When Tonks left, Dumbledore left with her. I imagined that he wanted to have a word about security. After they were out of sight, Molly turned to me and said, "Looks like the cats out of the bag now, eh, Remus." She was grinning in a knowing way.

Sirius was smirking too. "I told you guys." I sat up a bit straighter than usual trying to appear as composed as I could. They all exchanged looks that made my neck burn red.

I stood up slowly. "I don't know what you mean. We're just friends. She knows I'm ill suited for a relationship." I said evenly. "I should get to bed; I have to work in the morning." I was thankful for the darkness and silence of my room. I felt slightly betrayed by Sirius. It stung to know that he had openly gossiped about me. My thoughts were not given the chance to mesh out very well that night. Sirius came charging into the room barking. I let out a scream. Sirius transformed into himself laughing. "Sod off, Padfoot." I said pulling my covers up to my chin. This felt like our school days. 

Sirius laid on top of my covers making a sad face. "Come on Moony, they were bound to put the twigs together and see you have a broomstick." I didn't answer, I was trying to work out his analogy. I figured that bad analogy skills ran in the family. "You two have been making eyes at each other since you met." He said plainly. "We haven't been ferreting around talking about it either." Sirius said successfully reading my next thought. "Arthur mentioned something about you two the other night after the kids were in bed. Molly and I both thought you two were chummy…"

Whatever Sirius said to the contrary it did sound like they were comparing notes when Tonks and I weren't around. "If you're kipping in here, get your own blanket." I said without acknowledging his discourse. I rolled over so my back was to my best friend. "Good night, Sirius." I didn't mean for my voice to be so cold. I didn't like half of the Order being privy to my private life, especially when they were whispering about things that weren't even true. Sirius got up and left after saying a dejected good night. 

Some people might say I was being pig-headed, thick, stubborn, what have you, but I was guarding myself _and_ Tonks from what was bound to be a disaster if things were given a chance. I couldn't be sure she even fancied me. Sure, she had kissed me- once. Well… more than once, but kisses on the cheek are friendly, as was the good-luck kiss. I couldn't deny that I harbored feelings for her. I refused to let myself go down that road again.

Molly had Tonks over for dinner midweek. I didn't mind; she and I had to go over our story for her parents. It turned out that Andromeda lost her temper when Tonks said she was dating me. I couldn't blame her; I was a horrible partner for anyone. In an attempt to bring peace, Ted said they'd have the two of us over for dinner. I knew this when I agreed to be her decoy man. I followed Tonks' lead and didn't mention our 'date' for Friday. It was, after all, Order business.

Sirius was in a sulky mood that day. He sauntered in for dinner about twenty minutes into it. Tonks was being her usual loquacious self. Her liveliness made my insides squirm in ways that they hadn't squirmed since I took the N.E.W.T.s. After dinner, everyone made their way up to bed until it was just the adults downstairs. I made tea and offered a cup to Tonks as I sat down next to her. Molly and Arthur went upstairs looking rather lasciviously at one another. Sirius smirked as they left. I, however, had other things on my mind than Arthur and Molly's sex life.

"I think we should go over our story." I said quickly not quite meeting her eyes. I pointed my wand at a drawer and summoned some parchment and quills. "Do you have any ideas?"

Tonks nodded. "I've been thinking about it since m'Dad invited us over." She said labeling the parchment '_Remus & Tonks_' with a heart around our names. I glanced up at Sirius who was watching us interestedly. "I ran into you at the Ministry. I was researching about motorcycles and you were looking up something on…" She paused meeting my eyes. "Suggestion?"

I laughed quietly and leaned closer to her to see her notes. "Hmm." I was trying to think of the layout of books in the Hall of Knowledge. I wanted to be realistic. "Manticore." I said simply. "It would be close by." Tonks nodded jotting down my answer. "So we were just looking at books and started dating?" I asked. She had been the one contemplating this for a few days.

Tonks shot me a look. "Don't be a dolt; I'll think Sirius is rubbing off on you." Sirius shrugged indifferently to her jibe. "I tripped and our books and papers got mixed up." She said grinning. "We had to spend _hours_ untangling the books."

"More like untangling your limbs." Sirius interjected with an impish grin.

Tonks ignored his comment. "Then you offered to take me out for drinks. We've been seeing each other since then." Tonks looked somewhat apprehensive. I could tell she didn't spend a lot of time romanticizing. "How does it sound?"

"Sounds like you've had your nose in too many trashy novels during your Duty." Sirius said laughing. "How exactly did you manage to charm him so in one afternoon? Why didn't it annoy him to pieces that you put such a dent in his schedule?" I could tell that Sirius was enjoying goading us, but it was getting in the way.

"I think it sounds perfectly feasible." I said cutting off his barrage of questions. "We could add that I was captivated by your smile, just to add something in there to distinguish this from all of the other trashy novels being written about us." Tonks smiled the very same captivating smile I was thinking of moments before. Sirius rolled his eyes. "And we could say that we talked about our common interests while out for drinks."

Tonks had a pensive expression on her face. "Common interests?" She was jotting down the highlights of our conversation. "Quidditch?" I nodded. "Who's your team?" I said it was Braga Broomfleet. Tonks made a face. "I'm for the Appleby Arrows." I sniggered. That team hasn't won in their league as far back as I could remember. "How about Defense Against the Dark Arts?" I raised my brow. "Well, you were a DADA prof and I'm an Auror. That's enough to make a connection." I agreed feeling that this conversation would get me into a few uncomfortable moments.

We continued to piece together our pseudo-relationship until we had most of the finer details hammered out. We decided that our first date would be a homemade dinner, made by me of course. Our first fight, in case they asked, was about Quidditch. Sirius finally interjected and pointed out a gaping hole in our story. "What about physical stuff?" We both had blank stares. Sirius laughed derisively. "Birthmarks for one. And you should know he has a giant—" I kicked Sirius. I didn't know what he was going to say, but I certainly didn't have a giant anything that warranted the smirk he had on his face. "Then snogging and whatnot. They'll at least expect you to hold hands."

I felt my cheeks go red. "We're not snogging in their living room." Sirius laughed and got up. He wished us luck and went up to bed. I returned my gaze to our parchment. It was nearly full of facts we had invented. Tonks scooted her chair closer to mine squinting at the parchment.

Our bodies were pressed together in the same way people are pressed together while hiding in a broom shed. "I agree with you about the snogging." She said in a low voice. Tonks' eyes met mine as she said "Thanks for doing this, by the way." I wanted to take Tonks into my arms and confess that I'd do anything for her when Molly bustled downstairs looking quite refreshed.

It was Molly's gasp that caused Tonks and I to start. "I didn't think anyone was down here." She said taking in a sharp breath. Molly grabbed a book and headed upstairs quickly. We both returned our attention to the parchment rereading it for flaws or gaps in our façade.

I cleared my throat slightly before saying. "Some kissing, though nothing drastic would be expected." I tried to keep my voice business-like. I glanced at Tonks again before saying, "you don't have to thank me; I'm happy I can help." Tonks smiled at me, and, being taken over by the usually dormant romantic in me, I held her hand rubbing it gently with my thumb.

Tonks shuddered imperceptibly, letting out a distinct hint of arousal and need. "Do you want to come back to my place tonight?" She said into my ear. Her warm breath tickled my neck causing the hairs to perk up with excitement.

When our eyes met, I could see that she was burning up with passion and lust in the same way I was. Our lips started in a slow sensual kiss that quickly turned lecherous. Thoughts of kissing her in the most intimate places and holding her all through the night ran through my mind like a stampede. I wanted her, I needed her, I loved—That's when I pulled away. It was _wrong_. 

"I—_we_ can't do this." I forced myself to say. "It's fine that we're 'dating.'" Much to my embarrassment, I did air-quotes. "But it's not a good idea to _really_ date. I'm—" I was going to say that I was too dangerous, but Tonks beat me to the punch-line.

"You're what? Too old? A werewolf? That doesn't matter to me, Remus." Tonks was breathing heavily. I half expected her to punch me. She regained some composure and stood up. "I should go." She said quietly. Tapping the parchment with wand, she made a copy of it for herself and left. I remained alone at the table thinking that my attitude on love would ruin anything I had with Tonks. I trudged upstairs sometime later full of self-loathing.


	4. Uncomfortable Tightness

Uncomfortable Tightness

I mucked around at work the next day unable to set my mind to anything. Macnair was in a nasty mood that day and rode me for it every moment he could. I didn't pay him much attention, I was too busy analyzing those perilous thoughts that had entered my mind the previous night. _Love_. How could I be so foolish to let myself thing I _loved_ her? Even worse was the dejected look in Tonks' eyes when she left. I had hurt her but I did so to save her from me. It was twisted, but it made sense in the long run.

My mantra of 'just friends, nothing more' was interrupted when I received an urgent memo from the Auror Department. I didn't have to read it to know it was from Tonks; her scent called out to me right away. I opened it feeling unsure about its contents. I felt my stomach flutter as I opened it. The message was brief: "Hall of Knowledge, after work, Friday." I looked at it for a few minutes tying to extract any hidden meaning in her words soon realizing that there was none. I wrote her a quick note saying that I'd be there. I figured that she wanted to meet up for one of three reasons. Either to go over our story one more time, yell at me again for the other night, or look up ways to secure her flat.

When I looked around the Hall of Knowledge the next day, I didn't see Tonks right away. I went up to the bored looking clerk to ask if he'd seen her. He'd remember if he had, she's hard to miss. "Excuse me?" He looked up from the book he was browsing. "Have you seen a young witch with…" I had to think about her hair color, for I knew, it could be baby blue that day. "Pink hair?" I figured that pink was a safe bet.

The young man, who appeared to be Tonks' age said, "You mean the one with the book on shagging werewolves?" I didn't know how to answer. Were there many pink-haired witches with books on shagging werewolves? I doubted there were many pink-haired witches, let alone a gaggle of them with _that_ kind of book. _Why_ would she have a book on shagging werewolves? Perhaps it was a passing fancy. That's what I was- a temporary object of lust. "She's over there." The clerk said pointing to a table that was mostly out of view. I couldn't make my smirk go away as I approached the table. I found myself uncomfortably excited thinking of Tonks up late reading a book on werewolf shagging.

I sat down carefully, ruing my decision to wear my 'nice-butt' trousers as they were a bit snugger than what I usually wore. "Wotcher, Remus." Tonks said with a forced grin. I wondered if she overheard the clerk. I decided not to mention it just in case. Her strained smile could be from still being upset with me. "I thought we could look over some ways to safeguard my place." Tonks had a stack of books at her disposal. She seemed quite adept at navigating her way around a library.

I reached for one of the books she had for us and paused. "What kind of defense did you have in mind?" I asked looking at her books. "We could make it unplottable… but that wouldn't keep him from finding it again, that'd just keep new visitors from getting there." Tonks grinned at me saying she _did_ have people she'd want over. "So you need hexes and jinxes?" I couldn't help but wonder why she needed _my_ help for this.

Tonks nodded while thumbing through a book. "I figured you'd be able to rattle of a whole book of useful hexes and jinxes seeing as you were a DADA prof." Tonks didn't look up from her book but continued to grin.

I squirmed in my chair telling myself to get a grip on things- not in _that_ way though. "_You're_ an Auror and should be able to fill up several books on jinxes and hexes." I said returning her grin. "Let's make a list." I pulled out a piece of parchment titling it 'Useful Jinxes and Hexes for the Protection of Nymphadora.' Tonks leaned across the desk to read it.

She crossed out Nymphadora and wrote 'TONKS.' "Do you think we need to expand on the title?" She asked benignly.

I rubbed my chin for a moment. "No, I like long things." She sniggered. "Long titles that is." I lowered my voice conspiratorially. "It seems that good looks aren't the only trait that run vapid in the Black family. The whole lot of you are lewd as trolls."

Tonks flipped through her book a bit more saying "It's all part of our natural charm and grace." Now it was my turn to let out a low laugh. "Grace can skip a generation at times." She made a face at me and jotted down a few hexes. We enjoyed making a list of hexes she could use in case of an intruder. Some of them were ones I used in school. I felt dated telling her about some of them, but she did enjoy the stories. 

Meeting her parents that night made me feel as if we were truly dating. It was a nice feeling to hold her hand, casually kissing Tonks on the cheek, calling her Nymphadora. We both played our parts expertly. Tonks was incredibly comfortable when it came to sitting with my arm around her waist, giving my knee squeezes that sent chills through my body. I had to remind myself that it was all for the Order; it held no real meaning for her. Ted and Andromeda were very gracious. I expected uncomfortable questions about my age, association with Sirius and my intentions. I was not disappointed. 

Ted questioned me while Nymphadora and Andromeda were in the kitchen together. I highly doubted that she was actually helping but giving her father and me a chance to talk. "You know, you're the first bloke she's ever brought home." Ted said in a low voice. I opened my mouth unsure how to respond to that. "Nymphadora is happier than I've seen her in a long while." Ted added with a smile.

I was able to smile at this remark. "She's the one who brightens my life." I said this in all honesty. Tonks was a ray of hope that some how reached the darkest cell in the most decrepit prison. "I can understand where you and Andromeda would have misgivings." I said dredging up what I thought would be an uncomfortable talking point.

Ted shook his head for a moment then said, "Was she being that obvious?" He jerked a head towards the kitchen. "You were always good mates with Sirius… and well, Andromeda hasn't gotten over _that_. He actually visited her. Can you imagine the nerve? She never reported him… but she refused to help him." Ted shot me a sideways glance. "He hasn't tried to… contact you, has he?"

I arranged my face into a stern look and shook my head. "He should know what kind of reception he'd get." I said with a growl. I managed a slight smile before saying, "I'm sure Nymphadora would make some headway in her Department if she brought him in though." I remembered one of their first conversations. "I'm sure she could use the money for a new broom."

Ted's laughter rang through the house. "I can see why she likes you." He was still chuckling when Tonks and Andromeda announced dinner a few minutes later. Dinner was enjoyable. Andromeda's skill as a cook did not disappoint.

The night at her parent's reawakened my romantic ideals. I had been working hard at squashing them out after I told her we could only be friends. As we were leaving I slipped my arm around Tonks' waist. It seemed to fit quite well there. I expected Tonks to wiggle out of our mobile embrace but she didn't. "I think we pulled of being a couple quite well." Tonks said smiling. "My parents did seem to like you." I glanced back at her childhood home feeling like I could get use to nights like that.

"They're really nice. I expected them to be a bit more… resistant to me." My heart was beating fast, I wanted to kiss Tonks. She looked determined but for what I couldn't quite tell.

"I did threaten never to speak to them again…" I raised an eyebrow. "Well, when I first said we were dating, Mum flipped out and I said if they couldn't accept it I didn't see a reason for me to return." I felt my cheeks flush. She left that part out of her initial story.

Not knowing how to respond, I changed the subject. "I can see where you get your household skill from." I smiled slightly as Tonks jabbed at my side. Even a sharp poke was pleasurable from her.

"I hope you mean my Dad." She snorted laughing. We came to a stop and our eyes met. Tonks had a burning look in her eyes; she looked conflicted. "I should go." She said quietly. I had been poised to kiss her, but I pulled away from her. We both disapparated after that awkward goodbye.

Sirius was waiting up for me when I got to Grimmauld Place. "It's always nice to come home to a waiting wife." I said good-naturedly. Sirius made a rather rude hand-gesture and told me to… well, go pleasure myself. "It was a joke Padfoot. Remember those? Laughter? Having fun?"

I smiled hoping he'd break out of his sullen mood. "I wish I could have gone." He muttered while manhandling a particularly ugly pillow. It didn't help that I laughed. "It'd be nice to get out. You can come and go as you please."

"Sorry mate, I just imagined you sitting there pretending to date your cousin's daughter. I thought they were slow warming up to me." Sirius raised an eyebrow managing to smirk a bit himself.

"But you managed to charm them?" I nodded. "See, I told you! You are a good couple. Just don't make any wedding arrangements till I'm cleared. Can't have a—" I threw a pillow at Sirius.

"Oh stop it. She doesn't see it like that. She only asked me to help the Order." This was another phrase I repeated in my head on a frequent basis. It made the situation seem simpler than my feelings made it.

"She _could have_ gone for a lot of guys. 'Dung." I scoffed. "Kingsley." I raised an eyebrow. "Then there's Bill. He would have worked perfectly, even if he is seeing that French gal." I buried my head under a pillow. I did not need encouragement in this field. Thinking about Tonks… being with Tonks was a bad idea. It wasn't an issue of compatibility or being attracted to her- it was a logistical problem.

I didn't see Tonks for a few days. She was invited over to celebrate Hermione and Ron being named prefects. I was very proud of them, especially Hermione. Harry was a bit put off during the dinner. I didn't want to say anything to him; it seemed to be one of those issues that would only be exacerbated by mentioning it. Harry traipsed up the stairs early into the festivities. I thought about following but decided against it. That is, until Moody nudged me and muttered "Trouble." With his eye focused on a room above us.

Sirius and I made it up the stairs in a matter of moments. The sight that met my eyes made me age several years. It was Harry's lifeless form on the floor…but Harry was also telling Molly to leave. _It was a Boggart_. I stepped in and captured the Boggart's attention. With a crack it changed into the orb-like moon that it always turned into.

As I comforted Molly, I realized how incredibly self-centered my boggart was. It solely focused on _my_ pain without giving a moment's regard for the well-being of others. I had lost quite a few friends and risked loosing my remaining friends with the second war… but yet, the only fear my feeble mind could wrap itself around was me and my condition. Before that point I never questioned my 'no love' rule. It was practical, kind of like muggle life insurance.

I started to think of my no love rule as selfish at best. Maybe I was incapable… perhaps all of the time I had been hiding behind my condition as an excuse not to extend myself to others in an intimate way. I was certainly capable of caring for others. I spent a good deal of my life _caring_. Loving was different. Three people's faces floated through my mind that night. Two of them were tucked into their beds at Grimmauld Place. The third was one I kept trying to brush away. Perhaps a change in opinion regarding love was well overdue.


	5. Underhanded and Overexposed

Underhanded and Overexposed.

The gap between deciding to allow myself to love and actually doing so was as easily joined as two sides of a canyon. I wanted to see the two ideas connect, but I felt I could fall into the unknown depths below if I failed. Even worse, I could pull the people…person I loved with me. I had a quasi-formed plan. I probably could have pulled it off under ideal conditions, but life in the Order, with Sirius was far from ideal anything.

It didn't help that Sirius decided to join us in escorting Harry and the others to Kings Cross. I left with Ginny, Fred and George so I wasn't aware that he left Grimmauld Place until we saw him on the platform. I was beside myself, as was Molly. He was going to get caught then half of the Order would be in hot water. Tonks and Kingsley were supposed to catch Sirius, not dine with him at his place and conspire against Voldemort with him. They would at best loose their jobs. The most plausible result would be a cell in Azkaban. I tried my best to put on an amicable face when I said my goodbyes, but the moment the train whipped out of sight, I had Sirius by the scruff of his neck. 

"What were you thinking?" I hissed at him. "You could have been caught, got the whole Order in trouble. Tonks and Kingsley would _loose their jobs_. The Weasleys… they'd get hauled in too." Sirius was growling at me. I glanced back at the Platform and saw Tonks transform from her Old Lady disguise. In the midst of my boiling anger I noticed that Tonks had been just as beautiful in her disguise as she usually was. And I noticed that she was talking to Moody. I had vague plans of asking her out for lunch, but giving Sirius a talking to had priority.

When we got back to Grimmauld Place, he changed back into his human form, a foul look on his face. He was seething with anger from my whispered admonitions our entire way home. We didn't yell at one another, but our eyes were throwing daggers. After a few moments of intensity, Sirius broke the silence. "I'm going to visit Buckbeak." Sirius said with a snarl. I grimaced. I didn't have anything against the hippogriff, but when Sirius mentioned visiting him, it usually meant he was going to wank off. I settled into the study thinking of some jinxes I could use while he was in the act. Sirius was upstairs for a few hours. At the rate he had to be going, he might not have a broomstick to polish if he kept it up.

Sirius was quite relaxed when he came into the study. "I hope you washed your hands." I muttered with a cringe. Sirius plopped onto a nearby chair.

"I was reading." He said in a dignified voice. I was going to say that a book never put that kind of smirk on his face, but Kingsley came tearing into the house.

Kingsley was the type of man who could look calm while juggling flaming Firewhiskey bottles with a crowd of Chimeras at his feet. So, the sight of him looking peeved, if not slightly stressed was quite alarming. "You were spotted." He said without preamble. His low rumbling voice was brimming with constrained anger. "Malfoy connected the dots." Sirius' eyes opened in surprise. The look, one I had seen many times, told me that he had not thought his actions through. When he set out that day, his mind was not on the array of consequences. No, his mind was set on having a laugh not on the ramifications.

"Is there anything we can do to counter his claim?" I asked feeling a rush of guilt for my anger with Sirius. "What if he was spotted in Egypt?" I suggested rashly. As angry I had been at him for putting so much as risk, I couldn't remain angry with him for too long especially not with his look of stunned surprise. I was accustomed to bailing him out in his moments of thrill seeking. I couldn't count the number of times he went out on a late night adventure without realizing there would be danger or how many hearts he broke without knowing he had done any such thing. I don't want it to sound like he did not reciprocate this in our relationship. Sirius helped me in ways that he would never require assistance. He was always there for me after the full moon had its way with me. Sirius was there when I was down on my luck and hopeless.

With a shake of Kingsley's head, I realized that Sirius was condemned to house arrest until his name was cleared. Sirius took his sentence with the aristocratic elegance. Then he growled and threw a book across the room breaking a vase. Kingsley was taken aback by his display. I moved towards him vying to establish eye contact. When our eyes met, he lunged at me and hugged me aggressively. I could feel his sobs against my shoulder. "It'll be alright, Padfoot." I said softly holding him in a brotherly embrace. There weren't tears falling from his eyes but his dry sobs were full of bitter anguish. This was a side of Sirius that few saw, but I had grown to understand.

"I'll see you guys later." Kingsley looked awkward. He had the look of a man who walked in his parents performing binding spells on one another. Kingsley turned away then paused looking back at us. "Don't worry, it just means that Tonks will be spending a lot of time in London." He managed a smile before leaving. Kreacher's head poked around the corner after Kingsley left. He was muttering something about Sirius being an overgrown nancy of a blood-traitor. Loosing his temper with Kreacher helped Sirius perk up a bit.

We didn't see much of Tonks the next few weeks, which put a damper in my bridging the canyon plan. I felt like I was about to leap from one side without really knowing there was another. What if my canyon was really just an abyss to fall down? Tonks showed up at my place on the full moon. She had told me that she would be there every month. I didn't tell Sirius, but that was a reason for me to go to my place instead of remaining with him. I knew it was selfish… but I was determined to spend time with Tonks. Sirius and I had a row when he figured out I wouldn't stay with him during that time of the month. I didn't tell him about Tonks' plans to visit me for every transformation. I thought that would only add fuel to the fire.

This was one of the few transformations in my life for which I was excited. The other ones were when my friends first became animagi for me. I was only exited for the first ones because soon after that an uneasy anxiety set in. I felt like a bad… 'person' for wanting this. _She was only spending time with me out of pity-_ and I was milking it for everything I could. I was succumbing to a furtive desire.

My pity theory was confirmed when Tonks came over during the night. She appeared to be cheery and was quite loquacious, but I could sense she was holding _something_ back. I could smell something strikingly close to shame or confusion on her breath as she talked about work and some of her late-night musings from duty spent outside of the Department of Mysteries. I felt like I was getting the kind of insight on Tonks that a person only gains from lots of ferreting about or reading one's diary. She talked nearly the entire time she was awake. I didn't have to work so hard this time to fight off the wolf. It was almost as if she was my anti-wolf shield.

The next morning she was cuddled against me. I remembered to be modest and got up with more grace than I managed the time before. I was partially dressed before she woke up. Tonks mentioned being put out about missing 'the show.' I joked back saying that, as it was a Saturday, I was sure she could catch the cartoons on the telly if she hurried to a house with a telly. I had to duck the pillow she threw at me. Tonks didn't linger that day. She said she had to see a goblin about a cauldron. I didn't vocalize my protest to her leaving so soon, but I didn't want to be pushy. She had given up a free evening for me.

Order business kept me away from Grimmauld Place for a few days. I was disappointed to hear I missed a visit from Tonks _and_ a letter from Harry. Well, I wasn't upset about the letter as I could read it, but Sirius talked to Harry using Floo Powder. I only yelled at him for a few minutes before asking how Harry was holding up. Sirius told me about Tonks' visit with a keen eye observing my reactions. I couldn't hide my elation when Sirius mentioned she might come by more often. Naturally he goaded me for my excitement into the following Tuesday.

True to Sirius' word, Tonks did come by more often after that. Almost daily, actually. Her renewed presence at Grimmauld Place marked what I refer to as, 'The Underhanded and Overexposed Tea and Smut Prank War of 1995.' People always take me for a nimble person. If someone puts salt in the sugar bowl, the finger of accusation rarely comes my way, even if I'm the perpetrator. When I was younger I found it trying to be underestimated in the realm of mischief-making, but as I aged and managed to evade detention and other such punishments, I found my meek and mild behavior to be the greatest asset in ruckus rousing. People, even my closest friends, took my quiet observations and suggestions to heart without realizing I had a scheme going on. I didn't abuse this trust people put in me, but I did occasionally play with it.

Such an occasion came up when Tonks came into the study one evening with a mortified expression on her face. I opened my mouth to inquire about it when she said, "Sirius _really_ needs a hobby. I went up to his room to see if he had notes from the last meeting and he was beating the bludger! I thought he was up there spending time with the hippogriff!"

I sat up a bit feeling slightly embarrassed that she walked in on that. "He usually says that as a euphemism. I think he started saying that this summer so Harry wouldn't have to hear him say 'going to polish me broomstick, be back in thirty.'" I paused for a moment, a horribly brilliant idea flittered across my mind. "He's been obsessed with this _adult_ magazine for months. I think he likes one of the writers in it." Tonks rolled her eyes. "Well, the pictures too." I grinned. "You know, I don't think he'd try to, uh, tame his beast as often if he didn't have that trash." I wore a concerned look on my face as I finished the sentence. I was careful to keep my voice light and conversational. Subtlety would make or break my plan.

Tonks' face formed a mischievous smile as she formed the thought I was going for. "Where does he keep his stash?" She asked nonchalantly. I could tell she was trying to be coy.

I fidgeted with my hair for a moment, trying to appear at odds with myself. "Well… Last time I walked in on him, he was stuffing it back into the drawer of his nightstand. You're not going to… I mean, his _lives_ for those magazines." Tonks gave a charming smile that bore a striking resemblance to Sirius and said she was only curious.

Sirius must have taken a break from his recreational activity. It took him a good three days after Tonks stole upstairs in the middle of a meeting for him to say anything about his magazines. Tonks was on duty the night he finally broke down and told me that 'they' were gone. He was a bit peaky, bearing the qualities of a person whose blood had not been properly circulated in a few days. "I might have to actually murder someone." He said glaring at my shoulder. "They're gone."

I raised my brow. "Your marbles have been gone for quite a while. Are you just now missing them?" I loved playing thick. I knew exactly what he meant, but I thought catching on too quickly would be a giveaway.

Sirius gave me a rare stern look. "I mean my magazines. Tonks took them." Sirius dug into his pocket and showed me a note. 'Find a new hobby.' Was all it said. I recognized the handwriting from the note Tonks sent me a month beforehand. "She replaced them with some trash on gardening and spells to prevent dry rot. Even worse, she made the cover and first few pages look normal."

I took a moment to marvel the planning Tonks put into her pranking. It was clever and quite stealthy. She only missed five, maybe ten minutes of the meeting during which she got up with a wink and returned with a smirk. "That's quite… uh, odd." I said trying to sound as if her knowing about his collection was news.

Sirius blushed. I should have taken a picture, but I thought that'd put a dent in my scheming. "She walkedinonme a bit back." Sirius' flushed face wasn't looking at me. It wasn't the first time someone entered a room to find him doing something sexual. I couldn't count the number of times I walked in on him snogging some girl up in our dormitory. Wanking was a new thing to walk in on, but it was the same concept.

I made a sympathetic face. "That's… awkward," I muttered. "Bet she was a tad upset." Sirius looked over at me, a torn expression on his face.

"She left before I realized she was there. I did her say 'oh gross' as she left. I guess she went home or something after that. I thought she'd march down here and tell you about it." I shook my head feeling a twinge of guilt for my white lie. "I really miss those magazines." Sirius said listlessly.

"You are better off without them." I said conversationally. "I don't see the allure." Sirius threw a pillow at my head. "Well, I don't. You go on about them and all, but it's just not my cup of tea." The thought of tea brought another twisted thought into my head. I held back a smile.

Sirius sighed, his attention wasn't on me or what my face was doing. "It's that toomanycurls. Her stories…" He let out a grunt of what I took to be lustful approval. This was a new development. I had suspected that he was into the stories, perhaps even one of the writers, but this person didn't even use her, or his, real name!

I laughed mirthlessly. "How do you even know it's a woman?" Siruis' face twisted in disgust. "Or she could be absolutely hideous. You never know with these types." Siruis, who was out of pillows to throw at me, did a hand gesture, which indicated I should talk a long walk off a short pier. I let my idle laughter die down before saying, "Are you going to mention this to Tonks?"

Sirius shook his head. "How would that sound? 'Alright, hand over the magazines and no one gets hurt.'" He was doing his best Auror impression. It sounded a bit like Moody's growl. I left the subject alone for the rest of the day. I wanted to keep my hand in this undetectable for the time being.

My tea idea came back to me a few days later at breakfast. I was able to start up the conversation without preamble as I usually mentioned Tonks at strange intervals. So when I said, "Tonks doesn't ever make her own tea." Sirius merely raised his eyebrows as if to say 'so what?' "She never even looks to see if there's cream or sugar in it. She could ingest something foul and not realize it till much later." I could see some cogs working behind Sirius' eyes. I returned to my toast and kippers. I looked up a few minutes later and saw a glint in Sirius' eyes. I pulled a bottle of ink out of my pocket and slid it across the table. "There are some lines a person should never cross." I said benignly. "And when they do, some repercussion is in order." I glanced at the clock. "Got to go to work." 

Sirius' capabilities as an elaborate prankster did not disappoint. Tonks didn't have duty that night so we figured she'd turn up. She always made excuses for hanging around. She always said she would go through social withdrawals if she didn't have people to be around. I didn't mind in the slightest. It caused a hopeful bubble to form in my chest and this time I wasn't going to pop it. Sirius had a nice spread for dinner that night. He usually had Kreacher put together nice but simple meals. When we inquired about the occasion, he said he wanted to try something fancier and live up to his Black name. Knowing what he had in mind, I found the play on words to be brilliant.

The meal was quite spectacular. I could tell that he really wanted to lower Tonks' defenses. She had been slightly guarded around him since she nicked his entertainment. Sirius was smart enough to abstain from pranking during the meal. We all chatted amicably while eating. Tonks showed a lot of interest in some of the recent Werewolf Control legislation. When Siriur served tea abit later, I eyed mine a bit wearily before sipping it. It _looked_ like regular tea. My cup was regular tea. Tonks' teeth slowly stained a shade of blue you'd find on a body floating in a river. Tonks didn't notice that I avoided her eye during tea. She didn't notice anything on a jar that Sirius tossed to her and said "Show us some of that Auror strength."

Tonks raised an eyebrow and opened it in a jiffy. "Who taught you to eat?" Sirius asked critically. "You have something here." He pointed to a place on his cheek. Tonks wiped at the same place on her cheek. A black smudge appeared. I got up to do the dishes without magic. Watching would incriminate me. "You didn't get it." Sirius said in a long suffering voice. Tonks did a more exaggerated wipe, apparently not concerned with what might be on her face. After a few more 'no you missed it' go arounds Sirius gave up the attempt. Tonks was thoroughly soot-faced.

When Tonks stood up and stretched a few minutes later I saw the other part of Sirius' prank. He must have been very coy about it, I didn't hear him shoot of any spells. The bottoms of Tonks' shoes had toilet paper trailing from them. Her shoelaces were loosely tied together. I wondered how long she'd go before noticing she looked like she crawled out of the bathroom rubbish bin. Half way up the stairs. We heard her shriek sounding painfully similar to that of Sirius' mum. "_Sirius Black you sneak villain!_" We heard a few steps then several thuds. I got up and rushed to Tonks' crumpled form. She was glaring at me but looked somewhat amused. "_You_ helped." She grabbed my hand and pulled me into a nuzzling hug. I knew she was only trying to rub some of the gunk onto my face, but she sent tidal waves through my body. "You'll pay for this, Black." She said baring her blue teeth. I didn't think she noticed them in the mirror.

Sirius let out a bark-like laugh. "I might be so kind to let up once I get my reading back." He said leaning back in his chair. "Or you'll have to face the consequences."

Tonks drew in a deep breath putting her hands on her hips. "I will not give you back those disgusting magazines. _I threw them away_." Tonks smiled triumphantly. Sirius' eyes narrowed in disbelief. Tonks turned on her heel and marched up the stairs with a smirk on her face. I glanced back at Sirius and followed her. "Think he believed me?" She asked in a low whisper.

I chanced a glance towards the staircase doing down stairs. "Judging by the look of deep loss, yes." I gazed into Tonks' eyes for a few moments. "They're not gone, are they?" She rolled her eyes.

"No, I kept them. They're an interesting read, actually." I worked hard not to laugh. Then I worked even harder trying not to imagine what she did while reading. "I should go though." I realized I must have looked lustful right then.

Tonks turned to go and I grabbed her hand. "You'll want to check a mirror again." I cupped her hand in my face and ran my thump across her lips. "Your teeth are blue." Tonks pursed her lips before saying thanks and going. I turned to go comfort Sirius. I was sure he would be mourning until Tonks returned his treasure. Sirius took his supposed loss in stride. He could always buy more. I wasn't listening as he formed vague plans for avenging his pride. I was going over my interlude with Tonks. Minus the dialogue about blue teeth and smut magazines, we shared a rather romantic moment. I felt another surge of hope. Perhaps it wouldn't be as difficult as I thought to bridge the two canyons in my life.


	6. Not the Décor

Not the Décor

Comeuppance for my mischief came soon after Sirius and Tonks realized I masterminded their pranks. I suspected something from them when all of clothes were folded inside out, even my unmentionables. I felt slightly uneasy at the idea of Tonks and Siriur going though _all_ of my clothes. I could see them trying on my robes over their clothes and doing a mach fashion show. Then, much to my surprise, they changed out _all_ of my underwear for lacy panties. I went without that day. When I got home that evening they were in peals of laughter. I didn't have to ask why. "Thanks for the panties, but blue and lacy doesn't go well with my masculine physique." 

Tonks was red from laughing. "Maybe not but it'd go wonderfully with your eyes." She raised an eyebrow inquiringly and said, "May we see them?" She managed to keep a straight face. "Sirius and I spent a while picking those out for you. It's so hard to catalogue shop for people." Judging by their expressions of barely contained glee, they spend quite a few late nights to orchestrate the Panty Plan. Perhaps if I had responded to turning my clothes inside out they would have been contented.

"Tonks and I got to talking while you were at work and it was interesting to hear that you told her where I kept my reading material. Not to mention you all but told me how to exact my revenge." Sirius had a proud look on his face. He always respected people that could pull off jokes undetected. "So, ante up, we want to see your knickers."

I smiled benignly. "I would have to be wearing some in order to show them to you." Sirius let out a bark of a laugh. One good thing about our intrigues was that it kept Sirius' spirits up. Grimmauld Place seemed larger and happier when the three of us were together. Tonks and I had an unspoken goal while at Grimmauld Place. We wanted Sirius to be happy. She felt horrible that he had to stay in there. She said that was one of her reasons for visiting all of the time. Sirius teased that we only hung out with him so we could chaperone.

The thought of Tonks purposefully flirting with me made me wild, which came across as mild indifference to most on-lookers. She would do small things like read curled up next to me on a couch; idly have her hand on my knee. I made a point of walking her out every night, but I didn't go for a kiss. I desperately wanted to envelop Tonks in a passionate… well, moment, but I forestalled. I had some half-formed ideas. I just needed to decide when and where to make my romantic move. We had a 'just friends' pretext to our relationship. There were times where that seemed to annoy Tonks where it helped keep my conscious clear. We were just friends who were a bit into each other.

Despite my decision to try my hand at love, I was still wrestling the application. I knew that I loved Tonks; I'd be a fool to say otherwise. I ached for her on days she was gone. I worried about her when she had duty. Saying that her smile was divine or that her eyes were brighter than several stars would be an understatement. She was, in a word, wonderful. I wouldn't call her perfect; she had faults and some rather strange quirks, but I found her quirks to be rather endearing.

I was spurred into action by a comment, or lack of a comment Tonks made during my next transformation. I was unusually eager when she entered my place. I jumped up and licked her. I blamed it on the moon's hold on my brain. Her talk that night turned towards men and her relationship with them. I got the impression that she had dated her share of guys. That wasn't a surprise; she seemed to draw everything and everyone to her, hence the constant tripping. The comment that forced my vague plan into a definitive idea pertained to kissing. She was telling me about her first kiss then she said as side comment, "Not too many men are _really_ good kissers. I think I've had four _really_ good kisses. Well, five" I lifted my head off her lap with interest. I wondered if I was one of those five. I guessed that I wasn't one of them after Tonks yawned loudly instead of indicating my place on her list. 

I followed Tonks into the bedroom and got on the bed. I was pulling back the covers when she started to undress. I couldn't tear my eyes away from her. Tonks was smiling when she crawled into bed. If I hadn't been wolfish that night, I would have done my best to seduce Tonks. Then I realized that if I weren't wolfish, she wouldn't be in the bed with me. I debated if that was my doing. I had told her we couldn't be more than friends. I regretted saying it, especially when moments came up that reminded me how much I'd like to be in a relationship with her.

The next morning I decided to enjoy my time in bed with Tonks. I woke up to her eyes taking in the details of my scared body. She looked at me with a curious expression, it wasn't disgust or revolt, but intrigue and, though I hardly believed it, desire. "How do you feel?" Tonks asked in a low voice.

"Better than usual. Having you here… it makes waking up easier." Tonks smiled at me causing my stomach to squirm pleasantly. "Nymphadora," She looked daggers at me. "I can't have you in my bed _and_ call you by your surname." I kissed Tonks' forehead and continued before she interrupted me. "You have no idea how much your presence helps me stay more… human when I transform." I pulled Tonks close, keeping the blanket between us. I thought I heard a sigh but I couldn't tell if it was of relief or exasperation.

Our eyes met, I wanted to kiss Tonks, but I thought it'd be inappropriate at that moment. "I would do anything for you." She said in a wispy voice. "I always want to be your- friend, Remus." Her hand was on my back rubbing it idly. Then, as if on its own volition, Tonks' hand ran down my bare side and up towards my chest. I let out a moan of desire. I couldn't believe my body was behaving so… primal. Then, as if suddenly realizing the intimacy of her action, Tonks slipped out of bed like a wet bar of soap.

I knew that I wanted to ask her out, but I wasn't sure if this was the time or place. The wolf in me kicked my mouth into gear. "Do you want to go out with me on Friday?" I asked in a rushed voice.

Tonks, who was topless, glanced over her shoulder at me. "You mean on a date?" She clarified.

I wasn't sure if she'd want a date. "On a friend-date." I said decided that a neutral term would be good.

I heard a laugh rise in Tonks' chest but it didn't escape her lips. "Can't Friday. I have duty. How's your Saturday?" I can't believe she had to ask. My schedule was as open as the top of a Quidditch stadium. I said Saturday would be great. We agreed to meet up at the Leaky Cauldron around seven. I wanted to try my hand at time advancement spells to make our date…friend-date come faster. I was beside myself as Saturday approached. I couldn't believe my audacity. I knew that the wolf had been an influence in asking her out, but part of me knew that, for once, the wolf in my was acting for the best.

Sirius was excited to hear I asked Tonks out on a date. He had been low on things to meddle with and a date was just what he needed to feel involved in someone else's life. "We're going at as _friends_." I explained for the hundredth time. "Just drinks, maybe dance, then we'll go our separate ways." I had plans to work things so she'd go back to Grimmauld Place with me, but that was quite uncertain. I thought I should mention it to Sirius before the time came. "Would it be bothersome for you if she came back here with me?"

I knew that Sirius would have a snarky retort and I wasn't disappointed. "Counting your Doxies before they hatch?" I threw a pillow at him. "Of course I have to make sure that you only have the most noble of intentions." A smirk was playing on Sirius' face. "I can't have you taking advantage of dear Nymphadora, can I?" Sirius goaded me for the better part of the night making comments about my intentions and protecting the family honor. I tolerated his jibes with ease. My mind was a bit more concerned with how the night would unfold.

I was almost late for our date. Sirius insisted that I model my selection of outfits. He spent a good two hours trying to talk me into leather pants. "How do you expect her to know you have such a nice bum if you don't flaunt it?"

"I'm _not_ wearing leather pants." I smirked impishly. "What makes you think she hasn't seen my bum before?" I usually refrained from such jocular remarks, but Sirius' reactions were always worth shedding a bit of dignity. Thinking of shedding reminded me of a critical subject. "If Tonks comes back with me, please don't come barging in, Padfoot." I didn't always mind the large black dog running into my room, but the idea of him doing that in the middle of a potentially romantic or passionate situation made me squirm in ways that were not connected with pleasure.

Sirius promised to bugger off if Tonks came back with me. "I don't think you need the 'if' though." He was smirking at me. "She's been hankering for you. Why do you think she hangs around? I don't think it's for the décor." I muttered something about not making assumptions. "Well, I hate to bring an end to our fun but it's already seven, mate."

I swore and stood up. "Padfoot, you're scum." I said looking at my watch. It was a quarter till. I smiled at my best mate and left. The Leaky Cauldron was packed but Tonks was easy to spot. Her pink hair called out to me like a white spot on Snape's robes. I went unnoticed by Tonks until I slipped my arm around her waist. She was caught off-guard and knocked over a bowl of some sweets. I was extremely flattered when Tonks eyed me and said that I looked good. "I'd be lying if I said you looked good." I smiled vaguely. Tonks raised an eyebrow. "You are the most beautiful flower in the field. Good wouldn't do you justice." Apparently, Tonks wasn't use to such blatant flattery. She mumbled an 'oh thanks.'

At my suggestion, we went to Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlor. I knew that we were adults and could go anywhere, but ice cream seemed fun, light-hearted…it was Tonks. We ordered a banana split to share. Watching Tonks eat was quite hypnotic. Her mouth had the beauty and elegance of a swan gliding on water. Tonks' lips brought the topic of sex to mind. "I couldn't help but notice that… that you change the subject when you start to talk about your dating history. Well everything past your sixth year." The words came out without first checking with my brain for approval.

Tonks' reply was ambiguous. "I guess there are things that should be discussed, when both people can talk." She paused for a moment to gather her thoughts. "I feel a bit self-centered, always talking about myself. I wanted to reserve some conversations for a time when you'd be able to tell me _your_ stories." Tonks' eyes were expectant. She wanted me to share… my mind started to swim in the implications her statement held. Reciprocating that kind of information was very intimate, very common when _dating_.

I took a bite of ice cream to allow myself time to think. In a moment of grace, the ice cream dribbled down my chin. I laughed at myself good-naturedly. "I was worried that you were scared to open up to me." That wasn't quite right as she had opened up to me a great deal. I blustered on. "Or thought I would be too judgmental if you told me things you considered…private." I took in a deep breath hoping this didn't sound as awkward spoken as it did in my head. "I accept you wholly, and your past- including your sexual past is just that. The past. I mean I wouldn't expect you to be a virgin." If there were a point in my life where dying was a preferable route to living that would be the point right there. "I mean…" I had to salvage this if I wanted her to even talk to me after this. "I wouldn't think any more or less of you either way. If you were a virgin or had slept with…" I tried to think of an absurd number. "Fifty men."

This conversation moved from awkward to excruciating. I loved my ability to muck things up. "I'm not sure what you want me to say." Tonks admitted. "Next time it comes up in a conversation, I won't skate over the subject. I do prefer a _quid pro quo_ approach to sharing." I was getting somewhere. She wanted me to divulge, vulnerable. Great. I told her to ask me something. Tonks bit her lip for a moment then asked, "Have you ever been in love? If so, who was it?"

Tonks' eyes were on me sparking with intensity. Her question in and of itself was revealing. She didn't care about sex, only love. "The first woman I fell in love with, where it wasn't just infatuation-" This was an important distinction for me as I had been fascinated by Lily Evans for most of my school days. "Was named Farah." I sighed. It had been so long since I said her name. Sirius extracted the story from me after he and I were reunited. My relationship with Farah had been quite pleasant, most relationships are. It was the break-up that had been hard. Hearing that she was with me for so long out of pity mingled with shame made me question the entire basis of our relationship. I didn't tell Tonks all of this, I gave her the Wizard's Digest version. I finished with an unintended tone of self loathing as I said, "I think she was better off without me."

Watching Tonks' eyes grow in disbelief and hearing her say "Don't say that. Any woman would be lucky to have you," made my heart rate jump to that of a hummingbird. Other parts of me stirred as she said, "You're the type of man that women spend their nights awake fantasizing about, doubting they exist. You're the type of guy that they write those trashy romance novels about." I stammered a quiet response saying that women couldn't possibly fantasize about _me_. Tonks smiled earnestly and said, "I can't speak for other women, but I know one woman who does." Florean Fortescue came to usher us out a few moments after that. I paid and pretended not to hear his comment on inviting him to the wedding. Tonks and I walked back to the Leaky Cauldron hand in hand, my heart skipping as we chatted about different aspects of Diagon Alley.

Dancing with Tonks was almost too much for me. She was a sensual dancer; albeit, she did manage to trip more than once. I think the second trip was intentional as her hands managed to find parts of me she usually didn't touch. Most of our dancing was quite exuberant as the music playing that night was jazz. After a few songs, the exact number was lost to me as I was caught up in the feeling of Tonks' body against mine. We sat down out of exhaustion and I went for drinks. My mind was buzzing and I was quite sure that alcohol had little to do with the nice sensation going through my body.

It took me a few moments to notice that Tonks was talking to another man as I approached our table. I couldn't see her face, but her anger was palpable. The vaguely familiar man had short hair that did not suit his round, pudgy face. He was a broad man, quite larger than myself. I set the drinks down on the table and slipped an arm around Tonks' waist. "Anything I can help you with?" I said in the calmest voice I could muster. The man opened his mouth with a vicious look on his face. Tonks pulled away from me and punched him dab smack in the jaw then she turned to me saying thanks. Her thanks was in the form of a kiss on the cheek. "I think you handled that on your own." I said benignly.

Tonks shot me a look and said, "Dawlish was being rude." I had a sudden 'oh' moment and connected the dots. He fit the mental image I had of him. Then I remembered him hanging around with Macnair; they seemed to be friends. I mentioned that it had also been rude to break into her apartment. I smirked slightly until I noticed the ashen look on Tonks' face. "Remus… can I…" Her voice trailed off as if she couldn't bring herself to utter the thoughts tumbling through her head.

I put my hand on Tonks' hand in a reassuring way. "Of course you can. Anything to keep that _creep_ away from you." We finished our drinks in a bit of a rush. Dawlish had run off to the bathroom, but I had a feeling he'd be out soon. I leaned over to Tonks and whispered, "Let's go to Hyde." She nodded her head once and we left hand in hand. Going to Hyde Park wasn't part of my initial plan for the evening, but it turned out to be an interesting adventure. We sat together and watched the people, the stars and… the streaker. We returned to Grimmauld Place in high spirits.

Sirius tried his best to make thing awkward. He first asked Tonks why she was there. She was still going on about the streaker when she seemed to remember that she had a legitimate reason to be there. "Dawlish." She said simply. Sirius then went on to offer her a spare bedroom. "I'm staying with Remus." Tonks said in a determined voice. I went upstairs before things got awkward… more awkward that is.

I figured that I had two or three minutes to put things in place. I was thankful that I prepared… two nights beforehand. I waved my wand to light some candles I dispersed through the room. I double checked the record on the player. I knew Sirius well enough that he'd find it hilarious to switch something around like that. I had the _perfect_ song picked out. _Por Una Cabeza_. It was a song that Farah loved. She grew up speaking Spanish and introduced me to a lot of music and poetry that originated from other countries. I felt a twinge of guilt for recycling a song like that, but it hadn't been a particularly important song for us, she merely introduced it to me.

I pressed my ear against the door listening for footsteps coming up the stairs. I heard a set that wasn't heavy enough to be Sirius and was too heavy to be Kreacher. I dashed across the room and leaned against the mantel hoping to appear calm, relaxed, debonair instead of nervous and extremely unsure of myself.

Tonks knocked at the door and I flicked my wand so it'd open for her. She stepped in with an expression of wide-eyed shock etched on the heart-shaped face I longed to kiss. After shutting the door she said, "You planned this." It wasn't an angry accusation, merely a statement of fact. I didn't answer her. Explaining that I had this moment, this night in my head for over a month seemed a bit over the top. I started the record player and pulled Tonks into my arms leading her in a slow dance.

I didn't need my wolfish instincts to know Tonks was aroused when I kissed her. Our lips locked in kiss that redefined my idea of passionate. I didn't think it was possible to simultaneously forget one's name and know with striking clarity one's identity. For the first time since my childhood I didn't' identify myself as a werewolf or as a human, but as a lover. The name Remus John Lupin meant nothing unless to me it was passing through Tonks' sweet lips. In those precious hours I couldn't tell you who the Minister was or even quite remember that we had one, but I could tell you how many freckles Tonks had on her nose… how many little scars she had on her hands…how her lips felt against my body. All thoughts I had of my desire for her being unrequited flew out the window faster than an owl out of Hades. We were unbidden and raw together. Exploration and tenderness occupied the night and a good part of the morning. There were a hundred moments where I could have confessed my love for Tonks, but I withheld. Sexual exploration was one thing…but confessing my love might have driven her away. Falling asleep with her in my arms and content was better than a climax, better than any good feeling I had up to that point in my life. I was home.


	7. Counterjinx

Counterjinx

If I thought that falling asleep next to Tonks was wonderful, it was only because I hadn't properly woken up next to her before then. Tonks' face wore a smile that suggested an overabundance of elatedness. If I hadn't been in the room the previous night, I would have thought she'd had the best shagging of her life, but I had been in the room and no shagging occurred. We made our way down stairs. Tonks wore a pair of my flannel pajamas. She looked just as sexy in PJs as she would in satin lingerie. Sirius feigned being upset, but was rather amused by our shyness when he 'graced' us with his presence the next day.

We had a meeting at Grimmauld Place to contend with that day, so Sirius' would be goading was put off. Mundungus told us that Harry, Ron, Hermione and some other students were forming a Defense League to learn, well Defensive spells. It seemed to be their way to usurp authority from Dolores Umbridge, who was neglecting to teach them the subject she had been hired to teach. The meeting didn't take too long to conduct. Mad-Eye was furious that they would trust so many kids with a secret like that. I assured them that Hermione would have done _something_ to prevent the other students from squealing. It turned out that Dumbledore didn't want us to do anything about their group, just let it unfold. I was going to ask Tonks if she wanted to stay over again, but she ran after Molly as she left. They must have left together because Tonks didn't come by until after work the next day. I didn't ask about her disappearance.

Looking back, I don't know what set off my anti-relationship feelings after having established a quasi-relationship with Tonks. We were comfortable together. Granted, there wasn't any sex and we hadn't said anything about _loving_ one another, but Tonks and I had a flow, a rhythm that made our lives enjoyable. Perhaps it was my sense of contentment and ease that caused me to pull away. I wasn't use to being happy with someone. My self-removal was slow and not something I wanted to which I wanted to draw attention.

Tonks, Sirius and I spent a lot of time together. It was some of the best times I had since being in school. Tonks was always lively and exuberant. She was quite a learner. After the meeting where we learned that Harry and his group of friends set out to teach themselves Defense Against the Dark Arts, Tonks privately voiced that she'd want to be in an environment like that both as a teacher and a learner. She even took an interest in subject matter that was not related to her natural abilities.

"Teach me to bake." Tonks said one lazy afternoon after our unofficial relationship started. "I think it'd be fun." Tonks was grinning rather coyly.

Despite feeling as if she might have a prank up her sleeve, I acquiesced. "Do you have anything particular in mind?" I asked putting an arm around her. Tonks shook her head. I wasn't surprised that she only had a general idea; she was a vague outline person. Then she said that brownies seemed like a nice starting point. "We can do brownies."

Tonks kissed me as she got up. "Sounds like we should be in the kitchen." Tonks winked at me as she left the room.

I got up to follow her out. "Don't you think we should go _shopping_ for the ingredients?" I couldn't help smiling feeling quite amused.

"Don't tell me you keep that wood in your pocket just for looks." Tonks' grin was quite impish. "Or is it there just to impress the ladies?"

"It does have some practical applications." I blushed as Tonks mentioned seeing it in action some day. I didn't know why we weren't having sex. I wanted to, but it felt too intimate, too vulnerable. I knew it was contradictory to want to try and love someone but not do the things people in love do, such as say 'I love you' and intercourse, but it kept my mind at ease. When my mind was unbidden by my preoccupation with my wolfish state, I daydreamed of having a family with Tonks, but those moments were few and far between.

Had we been at Grimmauld Place, Sirius would have a slew of remarks about seeing my 'wand' in action at various times at school. Thankfully we were at Tonks' flat. Tonks was giving me an expectant look, as if I had a cookbook in my vest pocket. I didn't, but I knew the recipe. "We'll need this." I waved my wand and an assortment of ingredients appeared on Tonks' counter. "Do you have a mixing bowl?" I looked around her small kitchen.

"I should have one." Tonks opened a cupboard and rummage around. I thought I heard her mutter something before she pulled out a large bowl. "Will this do?" I had a feeling that she enlarged a regular bowl, but it'd work. I smiled and asked about a cake pan. "Umm." Tonks fidgeted as she thought if there had ever been a pan in her flat. "Yes! I do." Tonks pulled a dusty pan out from under the sink. "ew. _Scourgify!_" 

Making the batter was simple enough. I sat back and watched Tonks mix, measure and stir ingredients together with a dubious look on her face. She seemed doubtful that we would get food from the odd mixture of spices and flour. After the batter was properly mixed and ready to be poured into the pan, she looked at me. "Is that all?"

I stood very close behind her with my head resting on her shoulder. "You should mix it a bit more." Tonks sighed. "Here, I'll help." I reached around Tonks and guided her hand as it stirred the batter. "It helps to do this." I sped up our hands a bit. Tonks' attention waned as our bodies were so close together.

"How do you know it'll taste like brownies? What if it's mud?" Tonks paused, dipping a finger into the bowl. "I think you should," she went to finger feed me some brownie batter but missed my mouth and smeared it on my cheek. Tonks gulped and finished with a quiet "Try it." I laughed and tried to lick the batter off; my tongue didn't quite reach that far. "I'll get it." Tonks pulled me close and firmly licked the batter off my cheek. _Oh Merlin_. 

When she kept licking and moved her mouth towards my neck I asked, "I take it that it doesn't taste like mud." My voice quavered with delight as she made my body tingle in ways that caused me to question the advisability of ending things with her. I was in a pleasure ridden stupor. My hands and mouth caught up with my hormones and reacted to Tonks' teasing tongue with passion.

After several minutes, which felt like years, of bliss, I pulled away with a sudden '_no_.' Tonks raised an eyebrow. "You alright, Remus?" Tonk's voice was rather husky as she spoke. I desperately wanted to resume our lecherous snogging, but the way we were going there'd be _sex_. I didn't care what books said about werewolves and procreation, it just didn't seem like a fruitful idea. None of it seemed like a good idea, actually, but it definitely felt right.

I managed to avoid explaining my true thoughts by saying. "We'll ruin the brownies." Tonks looked around with an expression that told me he didn't care if we ruined every brownie in the world. I smiled tenderly. "You can't ruin your _first_ batch." I kissed Tonks' forehead and explained how we should bake the brownies.

When we arrived at Grimmauld Place with a plate full of brownies, Sirius looked perplexed. He pulled Tonks aside and said in an audible whisper, "I thought 'making brownies' was a euphemism. I didn't think you were really going to _make brownies_."

Tonks pulled out of his grip and said in an equally audible whisper, "It _was_ a euphemism." Then she lowered her voice slightly. "_Someone_ didn't catch on." I was busying myself in the pantry. I didn't want to hear any details of Sirius and Tonks plotting to get me into bed. I had caught on to her advances as they were rather blunt. I chose not to respond… there was a difference. Part of me was bothered that they thought me sexually ignorant, the other part of me felt relieved for an inexplicable reason.

Hearing that Tonks not only harbored a desire to shag me, but was desperate enough to discuss this with my best friend- her Mum's cousin, made me realize that I had to put a stop to 'us' quickly. It made perfect sense in my head. Just end it before things got messy… before we got in too deep. I was resolute. Sort of.

Working up the nerve to sever my relationship with Tonks was harder than I thought it would be. I began to wonder where the alleged Gryffindor courage was or if I ever possessed said courage. I had a vague idea of what to say. I needed to tell Tonks that it was me, not her, and she needed to know that I was too old, much too old, too dangerous and much too poor for her. I knew she'd argue, I knew she'd be upset, but she'd move on and forget about me. I didn't expect my words to cause so much self-doubt and uncertainty for Tonks. Finally breaking it to her came as smoothly as water surging from a ruptured dam.

My heart sank somewhere around my knees when she whispered, "Every time you say that, I feel like there's something I've done to upset you, or that I've disappointed you in some way." In the moments it took me to analyze the significance of Tonks' statement, I realized that she had feelings for me. I hadn't allowed myself to entertain the thought before, not in depth at least. Well, ok, I had, but I told myself I was being arrogant to think she truly reciprocated _those_ thoughts. She was worried about letting me down; she wanted my approval…my affection.

"It's nothing like that." I said in a hoarse voice. I had to spin this the right way if it were to work. "There's someone out there better for you… and I'm holding you back from that kind of relationship." I realized that I had to go, if I stayed I'd renege my decision. I pulled Tonks into a tight hug saying, "We'll always be friends, I promise." I let go of her, feeling my insides wanting to remain there and spend hours making up for my stubbornness. I fought the desire and went back to Grimmauld Place.

Part of me expected to find Tonks there waiting for me, wand out, ready to curse me. When I found that it was just Sirius there I felt both relief and disappointment. Maybe she was able to shrug me off with the same ease she changed her appearance. Thoughts such as that made her absence easier. However, Sirius' questions about her sudden disappearance made Tonks constantly on my mind.

"Why would she have duty so many days in a row?" Sirius asked after a few days of a Tonks-free house. I didn't want to explain breaking things off with her; I didn't think Sirius would understand. Instead, I said she was probably doing Guard Duty. "She usually comes by, even when she has Duty." Sirius was watching me carefully. "Did you two have a row?"

I stood up, pacing around the room. I couldn't think of a way to answer this without flat-out lying to my best friend. "We aren't together anymore." I said in a low voice. I returned to my seat. "Not that we were really together. I mean, it was just a fling."

Sirius raised his eyebrows; apparently, he wasn't expecting that to come out of my mouth. "Why'd she break it off?" I didn't know if I should be upset at his assumption. It's not like I was a horrible lover or completely undesirable, or perhaps he knew something I did not. Did he know that she moved on already? _Had she moved on already?_

"She didn't. I told her that it wouldn't work between us." I said quietly. Sirius tapped his foot expectantly. I wondered if he was more upset that I broke things off with Tonks, or that I broke things off with a relative of his. "I'm just too old, dangerous, and," I felt a bit superficial saying it, "poor for her."

Sirius snorted derisively. "You really think she cares?" I could see Sirius' temper rising behind his eyes. I kept my tone firm, but even as I told him that _I_ cared about those things. "Do you really think she's riddled with those kinds of superficial thoughts? You need to fix this." Sirius' voice was cold, quite unlike his usual passion-ridden self. 

"There's nothing to fix… I told you, it was flawed from the beginning." I knew that if I told myself that enough I'd eventually believe it. I couldn't let myself feel the way I did. I realized that I risked envoking Sirius' anger, even his wrath. 

Siruis didn't hesitate in proving me right. "You're being an idiot, Moony!" Sirius' voice was raised, his fists were clenched. I was waiting for him to hit me, but he didn't.

"I can't, it'd be too dangerous for her." My voice was raised slightly; I could feel anger rising up in my chest. I worked at forcing it back down.

"She knows the dangers!" Sirius retorted. "I'd be highly surprised if she hasn't read all the books available on werewolves." I wondered if Tonks had shared her Lycanthropy books with Sirius.

I had half a mind to ask, but I wanted to keep the course. I had a feeling we'd have this argument several times if I didn't squash it right then. "That doesn't make a difference, I'm still too—"

"It's not like it was with you and Farah." I felt another surge of anger. He knew close to nothing about her and our relationship. "She already knows, so she's not going to find out and stay with you out of guilt." Sirius' chest was rising up and down for a moment; he was clearly looking for his next argument. "And you love her! She loves you!"

I was angry. Not so much at Sirius for figuring things out, but at myself for being so openly in love. "All the more reason for me to end things!" I was shouting now. I felt that this argument no longer held room for the reserved behavior I usually displayed.

Sirius pulled out all stops when he slammed his fist against the table, his eyes bulging slightly with a manic expression. "Do you have any idea what I'd give to feel that type of passion again?" I knew it was unfair. I knew that Sirius read sordid smut stories because they caused him to feel, even if it was just lust, it was a feeling. I couldn't think of a response to Sirius, so I muttered that Tonks was still too young for me.

The laughter that met my ears was not jovial but taunting and cruel. "_Too young?_ She doesn't think she's too young. You sure weren't thinking of her _age_ when you were shagging her in your room!" I wanted to punch, curse, strike at Sirius. How dare he? He had crossed that line we was usually so weary of crossing. I stood up, unsure of my action to come. The thread of sense I had left guided me up the stairs and into my room. I could hear Sirius following behind me, at least up to the entryway. When I got to my room, I sat on the bed with my head buried in my hands.

I stayed in my room, expecting to hear Sirius' footsteps on the landing. When they didn't come, I realized it'd be foolish to sit around and wait for him to beg forgiveness. He was a proud man, and hadn't blown up as I did. I decided to seek him out and apologize. I went to his room first. He wasn't there so I made my way to the kitchen. I expected to find him halfway through a bottle of firewhiskey, not consoling Tonks.

I stayed within earshot wishing I had Extendable Ears. Tonks' voice sounded weepy as she asked Sirius if I'd come around. My heart skipped merrily. She hadn't moved on. I felt angry with myself for still wanting her. Tonks needed to move on, it'd be best for her in the long run. Sirius was trying to cheer up Tonks by saying that I'd come around eventually. I felt torn. Part of me wanted to run down there and tell him to stop giving her hope, but most of me wanted to avoid being detected as an eavesdropper.

Tonks didn't linger that night. When I heard her say she had to go, I panicked. I couldn't make it up to my room without running up the stairs and I thought the loud clunking footsteps would be a give away. I hid in the nearest safe haven, the entryway closet. Sirius followed Tonks up the stairs. His eyes met with mine through the open crack in the door. He was suppressing a smirk as he bid goodnight to Tonks. "I might start charging a hiding fee." Sirius said as he opened the door to the closet.

"I wasn't hiding there." I couldn't think of an alternative explanation for squatting in the closet. I stepped out of the cramped closet hoping to appear more dignified than I felt. "I came down to apologize."

"And you were practicing with my shoes?" Sirius offered with a smile. "I understand mate, I went too far. You can't always be the meek and soft-spoke Remus Lupin everyone sees. You might consider shedding some of that meekness around one Nymphadora Tonks though."

Sometimes arguing with Sirius was like arguing with a tape stuck in repeat. "You know I can't." Sirius didn't reply, he merely smiled sadly and went to bed. I wondered how many times I'd row with Sirius before he understood. A small, honest voice inside me said that I wouldn't be able to convince anyone as long as I still loved her. I hated to admit it, but that small voice was right. Too bad there wasn't a counterjinx for love.

A/N: So I want it to be known now that the plot to this story remains unchanged by DH (apart from **minor** details). So when the end comes and you all wonder how much if it switched around to accommodate DH, the answer will be not enough to make a differenece. Unfortunately, I only confided the entire plot to one other person .


	8. Dirty Chimera Dance

Dirty Chimera Dance

Tonks must have taken heed of Sirius' encouragement. She started coming by just as much as she had when we were 'together.' I didn't mind at all. Tonks didn't mention or allude to our fling (I only say fling because relationship feels too formal, too permanent). She didn't even mention the clumsy way I broke things off with her. It was a slow torture to be around Tonks and not be hers anymore. Even my friendship with her was riddled with lecherous desire and overtones of love.

Nothing in Tonks' behavior indicated a desire to be more than friends. She laughed with Sirius and I, discussed news with us, and occasionally kipped at Grimmauld Place. On those occasions, Sirius would say, rather pointedly, "I'm sure that there's extra room in Remus' bed." Neither Tonks nor I could make eye contact when Sirius made such suggestive comments. I couldn't tell if it was mutual shame or a mutual need to ignore that particular desire.

We soon found out that Tonks and I weren't the only ones holding in desires. Sirius had taken to rereading his adult magazines underlining certain parts. This wouldn't seem out of place at all, but he was doing so out of the privacy of his room. Even stranger, he wasn't aroused while reading. He was going through the magazines like a person studying for an exam. I wondered if they had reading comprehension quizzes in the back. In one of our few private conversations at Grimmauld Place, Tonks and I decided to ask what he was up to. Tonks, being the one best suited for bluntness, brought it up.

"Thinking of writing your own one day?" Tonks asked taking a seat next to Sirius. I sat across the table from him. It was a rare sight indeed to have Sirius so immersed in reading and taking notes that he didn't notice two people approaching.

"Hmm?" Sirius looked around and made an attempt to cover the parchment he had been writing on. "No, I was just…" I grabbed at the parchment; it looked oddly like a letter. "Give that back!" Sirius yelled, his voice cracking slightly.

This had to be good if it made Sirius so edgy. It _was_ a letter. "Padfoot, you can't _write_ to her. What if this 'toomanyhurls' is a Death Eater?" I thrust the letter back to Sirius wishing I had ripped it up instead.

"Her name is toomany_curls_." Sirius was scowling at me in a way that reminded me of a caged Grindylow.

"Actually, we don't know her name, and she better not know yours." Tonks interjected. "It is a big risk, Sirius. Assuming she's just a normal person that writes smut, what if people notice an owl flying here on a regular basis. Dumbledore did say to limit the amount of post we sent from here."

"She won't know my name. I'm not as stupid as Snape looks." Sirius looked as if he hoped that throwing in a Snape joke might sway us to his side. While it caused the corners of my mouth to twitch, I remained against him writing this person. "I just want to be in contact with someone—"

"We don't count?" I asked smiling in earnest. I felt a pang of guilt at my words. Sirius was probably jealous of the relationship Tonks and I had. Even though we weren't together, and I was doing my best to ignore the feelings between us It was evident that he yearned for intimacy- the kind of intimacy that a friend cannot bring.

"You two? Don't get me started on _you two_." Sirius' voice was bitter. "You could have all of the passion and intimacy in the world but you're too thickheaded to reach out and take it while it's right in front of you." This was the first open statement Sirius had made to me (and I'm assuming Tonks) reprimanding us for our non-relationship.

"Don't make Tonks and me the issue here." I said with a bitter voice. "You could go back to Azkaban if she were to find out who you are." 

"He has a point though." Tonks said in a reasonable voice. _Great_. She was a turncoat. "It must be hard to be holed up here, see your best friend with everything you want but unwilling to go for it." Tonks' eyes flashed, but she didn't storm on like I feared she might. "If you're going to write her, we have to be careful about it."

My mouth opened in surprise. "You're going to help him?" I felt slightly betrayed. Tonks and I had been unified in this endeavor.

"Maybe I think he has a point." Tonks' icy voice made my stomach churn. "We just have to help him so he doesn't get himself Kissed."

I sighed realizing that there was no arguing with the two of them. "First thing we'll need is a good moniker." Sirius looked at me his eyes showing his surprise and gratitude. "I think blackheart would be cool."

"Sure, if you want the Dementors to come swarming." Sirius was smiling roguishly as if his quarry were with us in the room. "I want it to sound dashing, charming, romantic and—"

"And have it be a complete misrepresentation?" I interjected. Tonks thumped my shoulder as she was jotting down some ideas.

"You're not helping." She hissed. "Sirius has gone 'round the bend in terms of his romanticism. I don't think it'd be fair to say he's still a dog." Sirius sniggered and Tonks rolled her eyes. "Oh Merlin. I stand up for you and see what it gets me. You could hold your tongue while I'm defending your honor." Tonks was holding in a laugh.

We had quite a laugh writing Sirius' letter. I decided to start it off with an explanation of why he was writing. We weren't sure where to start. I had an idea. Drawing from my feelings for Tonks I said "Your writing makes me feel alive in ways I haven't felt since my youth and stirs emotions I thought had long since died." Sirius and Tonks raised their eyebrows. "It'll make you sound a bit better off than the average degenerate."

Sirius laughed tussling his hair and took the quill. "Then we'll add, 'I don't want you to think that I'm just an average degenerate—"

Tonks laughed shrilly saying, "Because I'm much worse." I let out a loud laugh. Sirius pouted slightly. "Ok, we won't put that in there." Writing the letter reminded me of the night Tonks and I invented the details of our pseudo-relationship. Her creativity seemed to be boundless.

When we finished and Sirius was rewriting everything into his handwriting, I spotted a problem, well, several. "We haven't decided on a name for you to use, Sirius. Not to mention we don't know how we'll mail this off without disobeying Dumbledore."

"The mailing part should be easy." Tonks said fiddling with her sleeve. "I'll morph so I look like," her face scrunched up, "this." She lengthened her hair and made it a nice shade of black. Tonks' face was no longer soft and heart-shaped, but had a masculine sharpness to it. Her shoulders were broader and she was a few inches taller. "Won't become a man just to get your mail, but looking the part helps a bit, incase she tries to spy on Eyelops. I was going to get a Post Box there. I'll put it under the name of…" Tonks paused trying to think of a name.

"Thaddeus Hatcher?" I offered. Sirius raised his eyebrows. Perhaps Thaddeus wasn't cool enough for Captain Suave. "It just popped in my head." I tried not to sound defensive.

"I like it." Tonks announced looking the mirror. "I look like a Thaddeus like this. Oh, well." Tonks caught a glimpse of her chest. "Guess those will have to go for now." As she shrunk her chest I started to wonder what her 'normal' breast size was. I didn't linger on the thought out of trepidation of my lustful thoughts. We eventually settled on Thaddeus Hatcher as Sirius' nom de plume.

Spending afternoons and the occasional evening with Tonks, even if we were always under Sirius' watchful eye, caused a resurgence of feeling for her. I couldn't assuage my feelings for Tonks, no matter how many times I told myself to eliminate them. I felt as if she were a reoccurring dream, the kind that makes the dreamer feel guilty in the morning, but it doesn't stop them from dwelling on it for the rest of the day. As much as I wanted Tonks I had to deny myself. I had a feeling, deep in my gut, that something would go terribly askew if we were together. I lay awake many nights wondering if Tonks experienced the same heartache I did, the same dire need, the same longing.

When Tonks invited herself over under the pretext of watching a meteor shower, my heart quivered with delight. I agreed to have her there after hearing her reasoning. "I'd watch it from my place," she said looking earnest, "But it's too populated. The lights will ruin the show. I'd do it here, but it's just as bad for star-watching as my flat." So, her desire to watch a meteor shower at my house was a need, nothing romantic. Ok, it would have a romantic feel, but that's not how she meant it. I told Tonks that it sounded grand- yes grand.

Sirius spent a good amount of time teasing me about my 'date' with Tonks. I maintained that it wasn't a date; we were merely spending an evening under the stars. "Oh, yeah, and that's practically the antithesis of a date." Sirius yelled after me as I left to make dinner for Tonks and me. Tonks showed up in her usual jeans and a t-shirt getup. I wanted to tell her how stunning she looked, but I knew better. Compliments lead to hugs, hugs to kissing, and, well, I don't think I need to draw a roadmap.

Tonks did a nifty bit of transfiguration and made my patio chair into a nice loveseat from which we could watch the meteor shower. I grabbed a blanket to keep us warm; it was a bit chilly that night. After the shower started Tonks was eager with child-like delight. She and I talked about our favorite constellations during lulls in the meteoric show. Without realizing it, we were snuggled together on Tonk's loveseat. I couldn't tell you if I put my arm around Tonks's shoulder first or if she nuzzled against my chest with a languid smile, it didn't matter. If I were a prodigious wizard, I would have made the stars zoom around the sky all night for several nights just to keep cuddling, but I doubted that Dumbledore could pull off such a feat. 

Near the end of the shooting stars, Tonks' gaze fell on me and she whispered, "I miss this." My mind started to race with all of the potential this's she could be referring to. The first one that came to mind was the meteor shower, so I asked if she meant that. Tonks seemed to be frustrated by my clarification but she went on. "I miss there being an 'us.'" As if spurred by the weight of her words a star shot over our heads causing my small patio to light up. Tonks was scrutinizing my face.

"I do too." I admitted. I reached up and rubbed Tonks' cheek gently. The words were forming in my mind '_I love you, Nymphadora_.' I was willing myself to say it. "I…" I swallowed hard as my brain started to clamp down on my tongue. I sighed quietly. "I… I think we should go in, the shower is over." I stood up quickly, but not before Tonks' eyes flashed with irritation. Once I was inside I made myself a strong cup of tea hoping that I hadn't ruined a friendship.

Tonks stayed outside for a bit. I debated on going out there and talking to her. I decided that she might want some time alone. When Tonks came in, she was collected but had an icy quality to her voice. She didn't stay very long after thanking me for dinner and for having her over. She was cordial and rather distant. My stomach was uneasy after Tonks left that night. I didn't go back to Grimmauld Place as I told Sirius I would. Naturally, he took that as a sign that we had, well, done the dirty Chimera Dance as they say. I didn't correct his assumption. Letting him think I 'got lucky' was nicer than telling him what a prat I was being. 

The next full moon came upon me with a great deal of physical pain. I realized something was wrong the morning of my transformation. I thought I had eaten something foul for dinner. Tonks had cooked us a quiche that smelled a bit odd the night before. When I stumbled into my small house that afternoon, I knew that not even Tonks' cooking could cause my insides to do the elfish jig they had been dancing all day and it definitely could not be to blame for the way that every pore on my body screamed out in agony. I stripped and curled into a ball on my bed barely even noticing when I transformed.

When I heard Tonks' voice come from the doorway I opened my eyes. I was in the livng room without recollection of having gone there. I hear a whimpering sound and realized it was me. I saw a bleary Tonks drop her rucksack and rush towards me. Horror and shock swam behind her eyes. I wanted to brush it off, some how tell her that I was fine and that she should just go home, but that would be difficult to get her to do even as a human. Tonks' voice drifted to me like waves of the ocean drift to the shore. She was asking if I was alright. What did she want me to do? Sign her my answer? Tonks rephrased the question and asked if I had my potion. I thought it was another needless question. Of course I had it, I would have bitten her lovely hand off if I didn't have my potion. The answer seemed to pop in her head. I wondered if she was thinking out loud but phrasing her thoughts as questions.

"Snape." She said in a low whisper. I raised my head slightly. Yes, of course Snape made my potions. Tonks' eyes were darting around as if she was thinking of a way to mend the situation. It occurred to me that she might run off to Hogwarts and hex Snape just for good measure. As that would not help the situation, I made sure to whimper. Her full attention returned to me. The wolf smiled inside of me. Tonks' attention waned as quickly as it came. She darted towards the fire. I didn't want her to go anywhere. I knew she couldn't do anything to ease the pain if she ran off to curse whoever she deemed culpable. 

I don't remember many details from that night other than Tonks was with me and that she _carried_ me to bed. All parts of me, even the wolf inside, were in state of anguish that left me extremely vulnerable. I fell into an uneasy sleep next to Tonks. I woke up and she was gone. I told myself that she had be a figment of my imagination, a muse that was sent to me for only a brief time. Thinking that was easier than pondering her absence. I howled in my semi-conscious state. I needed- but I didn't know what I needed. Did I need her touch? Did I need to hear her voice? Was it her presence that I was howling for? I couldn't tell. 

Returning to my human form was excruciating this time around. It felt as if my body was hesitant to change into its normal state. I could hear yells of pain in the air. I worried that they belonged to Tonks until it dawned on me that I was the one shrieking. My wails were stifled by Tonks' arms pulling my body close to her. I was still shaking and felt a cold sweat against my skin, but having Tonks so close to me, comforting me injected a lifeline into an otherwise miserable moment. Tonks' touch was gentle as she used a damp towel to cool my body. Her words were as soothing as her touch even though I could hear fear and pain in her voice.

"I have something that will help." Tonks whispered uncorking a bottle. I didn't think to question her about it, which is something I usually did. I even questioned Madame Pomfrey when she gave me medicinal aide. Whatever it was that Tonks gave me caused the sting to leave. I managed to whisper a quiet 'Thank You' and asked where she got the potion. I knew I didn't have anything of use around my house. Tonks' faced arranged into a nonchalant smile. "I'll tell you about it later. You need to rest now." Tonks tucked me into bed much like my mother use to when I was a child. I couldn't remember the last time I had let someone care for me as she was doing.

Tonks hardly left my bedside that entire morning. When she did leave it was to make me some toast, which she sat and made sure I ate all of it saying "You need something in your stomach or this potion will make you sick." I didn't bother disagreeing with Tonks. She had a determined look on her face. When Tonks didn't leave for work I tried to tell her that she needed to be there and that I'd get along alright on my own. She wouldn't hear of leaving. "I sent in an owl to say I'd be out for the rest of the week." Tonks had a kind smile on her lovely face. "I want to make sure you get properly better. Arthur's agreed to take my shift on Friday. He didn't think Molly would mind."

I was beside myself for a few moments, unable to voice the gratitude I felt. "You didn't have to… I mean… this is…" I was annoyed with my inability to string words together. "Thank you, Nymphadora." Tonks face scrunched up but she didn't hiss her usual '_Don't call me Nymphadora._' Tonks shrugged off my thanks saying that it really wasn't a problem and that work had been getting to her lately anyways.

The days I spent in Tonks' care were some of the best sick days I ever had. It wasn't being taken care of that made it memorable but rather the person who was giving the care made it special. I began to run out of reasons for withholding my feelings from Tonks. I couldn't deny my ever-growing love for the woman. Not only had she been sacrificing her few free nights to stay by my side while I was quite unsocial, but she took time from work, time from her duties all just to nurse me to health. Tonks couldn't be considered a graceful person, but she cared for me with an elegance that I hadn't noticed in her before. Her care for me manifested in the way she'd cool my forehead with a damp towel, her furrowed eyebrow as she read books on Wolfsbane and the way she fretted about every morsel of food I consumed. I was the epicenter to her life and I wanted to stay there but I also wanted to flee. It was akin to being in the eye of a storm. My senses told me to go, that nothing good could come from lingering, but I couldn't pull myself away either.

It took a few days for Tonks to leave me alone in the house. She had been adamant that I needed to stay in bed and rest. While she had commented once or twice that a witch could get use to the sight of a wizard like me in bed, she withheld any contact which would be interpreted in a sexual way. Tonks didn't mention she was leaving, or if she had I forgot about it when I woke up from a nap. Dumbledore was sitting in a chair next to my bed. It took me a minute to decide if Tonks had taken into cheering me up and started by impersonating the Headmaster of Hogwarts. Dumbledore's omniscient gaze fell on me and I knew that Tonks, no matter how talented a Metamorphmagus couldn't pull of a look like that.

Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling. "I'm pleased to see that things are coming along." I started to say thanks but he interrupted me. "And that you're getting better." I felt confused. What else would be coming along other than my recovery from a disastrous transformation? "I told Tonks a few months ago that the two of you were a good match." I was suddenly feeling quite warm; this wasn't a conversation I wanted to have with my mentor, former employer, friend… with anyone actually. "She seemed to think you would resist the idea. I knew she was right, but I hope that, after seeing her undeterred devotion, you'll have the sense to love her openly."

"This isn't the time for relationships. It wouldn't be prudent for Nymphadora and I to…" The look in Dumbledore's eyes caused my voice to catch in my throat. I couldn't tell if it was sadness or his polite patience. I blinked and tears stung my eyes. I willed them to go away; I could only hope that I looked to be in enough pain to cry. I realized he wasn't buying my façade of an argument anymore than I was. "I don't…" I took in a deep breath. "I don't deserve her. She's the sun and I'm the darkest crevasse in the deepest pit. There's nothing for her in me." I blamed my spurt of honesty on the potion Tonks had me on. My tongue was unnaturally loose and I loathed it for revealing so much.

When Dumbledore spoke, it sounded as if I said everything he expected me to say. "Relationships never come at a good time because if we are preoccupied finding that elusive moment where relations with another person make sense, it will have come and gone and our chance will be lost." Dumbledore paused for a moment to let his words sink in. "Love is a mysterious force. Many people feel inadequate when they are confronted by it. Love isn't the qualms you may have about being loved but rather that Nymphadora sees your redeemable qualities along with your less agreeable ones and chooses to love all of that." Dumbledore paused a second time, this time smiling. "The love a woman spurred to into Snape's bedroom in the still of the night, dressed in little more than her pajamas, threaten him at wand-point, and leave with a remedy cannot be easily doubted."

I had a feeling that Dumbledore could have lectured me well into the night on love, but Tonks stumbled in. She wore a surprised look on her face. Dumbledore fished a bottle out of his pocket and told Tonks it'd help me feel better. I tried to listen in to see if he was going to divulge our conversation. It seemed that he merely complimented her nursing skills and bid his leave. I felt oddly naked and exposed though I was fully clothed. Dumbledore had a knack for knowing the going-ons at his castle. I was taken aback by his brief account of Tonks' trip to Hogwarts. I knew that she hadn't gone there to prove herself to me, but she had put herself into danger. Order member or not, Snape had a nasty temper, especially when woken in the middle of the night. I couldn't ignore my heart any more, not after Dumbledore's words. I had to reattempt that which I frivolously tossed out. I could only hope that Tonks remained receptive to my wolfish advances.


	9. After a Hiatus

Take it slow. That's what I told myself. But I also wanted to get things going to make up for lost time. So I decided to take an accelerated slow path, or a slowed down fast track. Either way it was a pleasant surprise when I found myself snogging Tonks under a tree that Friday. I suppose I should back up and explain how we got one, under a tree and two, snogging.

Tonks kept me from going to work that day. "You're still peaky." She insisted while bringing me some oatmeal for breakfast. She had been rather protective while I was ill but I had a sneaking suspicion that Tonks wanted another day with me. Tonks had been kipping on the couch but moved herself into my bed a few days after the full moon. She did so under pretense of keeping a closer eye on me. After breakfast Tonks asked if I wanted to go on a walk.

"Together?" I asked thickly.

"No, I thought I'd head towards the store, you towards the park and we'd meet up here in an hour." Tonks was smirking. "Of course we should walk together." I felt Tonks' hand on my leg. "I have to protect you after all."

"I'm the damsel in distress?" I raised an eyebrow while sitting up in bed. "Could you see me in those ridiculous getups they wear?" By the twinkle in her eye, she could see me in one of those dresses. I was grinning impishly. "Corsets aren't my cup of tea. You on the other hand would be quite ravishing in a set of armor. I'd just need a can opener."

Getting out of bed was a relief as I had been kept there for a few days. Tonks threatened to tie me to the bed if I was too active. I thought that I'd get a lot more action tied to the bed than walking around the house, but I kept that to myself. When Tonks handed me a hat and scarf she claimed to have knitted, I considered asking her something only the real Tonks would know incase she was only a Polyjuice Tonks, but I noticed that her smile was too eager to be anyone else. "When did you learn to knit?" I asked feeling grateful that she did as a burst of wind hit my face.

"Oh, it was some Auror training I picked up." Tonks said causing me to laugh. We were walking with our arms linked and fingers intertwined. I felt as if I hadn't even transformed that week. Tonks seemed quite content also. "It's Christmas in a week." Tonks said suddenly. "Do you want to come with me to my parent's for Christmas Eve?"

We stopped near a park. "I'd love to." I said in a breathy voice. I tried to block out the part of me that thought this was a bad idea and listened to my quixotic voice instead. Both voices were drowned out when Tonks pointed out mistletoe growing above us in a tree. I was willing to bet that a simple Priori Incantum would show her wand culpable in conjuring the plant, but I wasn't really concerned with how it got there. I was more concerned with the kiss that I should deliver.

Taking Tonks into my arms and giving her a kiss that landed somewhere between passionate and tender was better than any remedy tried that week. I couldn't tell you how long we were there snogging. Tonks came to her senses before I did and suggested we go back to my flat. My heart was racing. Even for an accelerated slow path it seemed we were going too fast. It took all of my resolve, but I didn't put the moves on that night. I was more than mollified with cuddling and gentle kisses.

"Weren't you scheduled for Duty tonight?" I asked before our evening faded into sleep.

Tonks nodded. "Arthur said he'd cover for me. He said I'd be more help with you than rotting my brains out down in the bowels of the Ministry." Tonks' finger was tracing down my stomach.

I let out a quiet 'hmm' and kissed Tonks again. I didn't realize how much I missed falling asleep with Tonks till I dozed off with her head nuzzled against my neck. She was comfortable, much like a favorite sweater but she was also new to me like a recently released broom. I wanted to know her intimately and, if she gave me the chance, take some of the mystery out of her smile.

Our restful sleep was shattered in the early hours of the morning. Kingsley 's voice carried into the bedroom and his body quickly followed. Neither of us had enough time to yell a quick 'In a minute!' or cover our mostly naked bodies. Kingsley looked neither surprised nor upset at the sight of our grab for the covers. He was too grave to register any other emotion. I placed a hand on Tonks' knee and she grew still and she saw Kingsley 's face.

"There's been an attack—"

"Is Harry…?" I started my eyes widening.

"Arthur Weasley was attacked by a snake while on Duty this morning. He's in St. Mungo's right now. The circumstances are… strange." Kingsley's voice was steady and soothing, which helped soften the blow of his next line. "Harry saw the attack in a dream-like state. We don't know how he saw it. It's quite unheard of…"

"What can we do to help?" Tonks asked, her eyes gleaming with tears. Her knees were drawn up to her chest. "I should have been on Duty." She said in a low whisper full of guilt.

"There's no sense dwelling on who could have been where last night… you were helping me out." Kingsley made a very slight cough but didn't interrupt me. I thought I saw his mouth twitch. "The best thing to do now is keep up the fight against Voldemort. People, friends of ours, loved ones, those are the ones we'll loose in this battle. You could spend a life time scrutinizing how things could have been different, but it'd slowly kill you. The best you can do is look at the positive. Arthur is alive and we were able to get him to help in time."

Tonks rested her head on my shoulder which seemed to be a sign to Kingsley that he could go on. "Tonks, if you wouldn't mind, the Weasleys, Harry and Hermione need another escort to St. Mungo's today. They're leaving in a few hours. You and Mad-Eye will be the security." Tonks nodded. "I'm sure Moody'll want to go over a few dozen plans with you, so, you'll probably want to go to Grimmauld Place as soon as you're dressed."

After Kingsley left a few minutes later, Tonks got up and dressed quickly. "I should go… You know how Moody gets." I smiled and said a quiet 'see you later.' I couldn't help noticing how nervous Tonks looked. I attributed it to her near miss as the snake's victim.

I went to Grimmauld Place a few hours later. I missed the group leaving for St. Mungo's. Sirius told me so as he tackled me into a hug. "Moony, I've missed you." Sirius released me from his hug and tussled his hair. He looked as if he had been up for a week or so. "I heard you've been taking advantage of my cousin, playing sick to get some attention. Nice move even if it's a bit overdone."

I smiled, feeling relieved to see Sirius in such high spirits. "Have you talked to Harry? How is he?" Sirius' face fell slightly as he told me about Harry's dream and his reaction to it. "He was the snake? What does that mean?"

"I don't know. Dumbledore didn't seem surprised by the information. I don't think anything surprises him though. I could jump out of a cupboard starkers asking for a broomstick and he wouldn't bat an eyelash." Sirius let out a forced laugh.

"It would seem they're connected somehow…" I started quietly. Sirius shook his head wordlessly. "I know we don't want to think that, but…"

"But nothing! Any connection between them isn't Harry's fault or responsibility." Sirius' voice was at a dangerous growl. I decided it was best to back off.

"Nymphadora invited me to her parent's for Christmas Eve." I said quietly. "I don't know what to bring for presents."

"So you're together again?" Sirius' brow was raised inquisitively.

"No… yes. Yes. Unofficially. Or I'd like to be at least." I sounded about as certain as a directionally challenged thestral

"Kingsley said you were intertwined in bed this morning." Sirius was smirking now. "Naked as gnomes too." I was blushing fiercely. This seemed to cheer Sirius up again.

I sighed, feeling rather tired. "We weren't intertwined in bed." I managed a smile before admitting to being mostly naked in bed. "But, why did Kingsley tell you about this morning?" I raised my eyebrows in anticipation of an answer.

"He didn't jump into details at first, but Moody asked." I busied myself making a cup of tea for a few moments.

"Seems odd that he'd be interested." I murmured.

"They worked together at the Ministry." Sirius said getting some crumpet from a cupboard.

"I thought he retired before she started. It didn't seem like they knew each other when Tonks joined up with up. Cup of tea?" Sirius shook his head.

I sat down and took a slow sip from the cup. "If it'd make you feel better, I'll break into the Ministry and read his personnel file."

"I—you don't have to do that. It's just odd, that's all." I fidgeted with the cup feeling a prat for my unfounded jealousy.

"You know what I find odd?" I looked up, seeing a hard look on Sirius' face. "Your potion this month. Tonks came by and talked to me about her suspicions." I cleared my throat to interrupt, but Sirius plowed on. "Tonks and I will make it from here on out. Did she tell you that she went to Snivellous' room? You might want to detox her before you share a bed again."

"Oh come off it. I'm sure people have been there before and survived."

"Speaking of surviving, it's nice to see you out of bed, Remus." Kingsley was standing in the doorway. He had a smile on his face. "They made it safely to St. Mungo's."

"That's good to hear." Sirius said with a smirk. "I'm going… upstairs. I think I heard Buckbeak." Perhaps he had noticed the annoyed look on my face. Kingsley wore a slightly embarrassed look on his face which told me he noticed the grimace on my face.

After Sirius rushed out of the room, I opened my mouth but Kingsley beat me to the pitch. "I'm sorry. I was out of place to tell everyone that you're with Tonks. I realize you're a private person and wouldn't want to advertise…"

"It's not that. Just, we're not together. Not really." Kingsley 's eyebrows made a move towards his forehead. "Well, we'd both like to be…and I'm working on making it happen…"

"What's stopping you?"

I sighed wondering how much Kingsley knew about Tonks and I. "There are a hundred little things holding me back. Nothing to do with her or our desire to be together. I don't want Nymphadora to live with the same stigma that's followed me my whole life." I hoped that would suffice as a 'why I haven't gone for it' explanation.

"Seems like a valid concern, but… I'm sorry if this is over-stepping a boundary… why are you sleeping with her if you don't want a relationship. I don't have anything against friends having sex, but she wants to be more than your friend. I mean, if you're just looking for a decent shag—you shouldn't take advantage of her like that." Kingsley 's concern for Tonks seemed brotherly and from what I knew about a brother's protectiveness, I had to clear the air quickly.

"We're not sleeping together…just sleeping in the same bed. We've fooled around, but no sex. Not yet at least." It occurred to me that Tonks would be utterly mortified if she knew I discussed this with Kingsley . "I have a plan, but I'm not sure how to execute it. I could use some help, actually."

Kingsley looked a bit uncomfortable. "What kind of help?"

"Nothing… weird, just some set up…" I told Kingsley what I needed and how he could help. Kingsley agreed to help. He said it wasn't everyday he heard an idea that… unique. "Do you think she'll like it?" I was a bit nervous as I hardly acted out my romantic ideas and didn't know how they played out when unleashed upon the world.

"I'm sure she'll love it. She's not exactly sappy, but she's sentimental."

Sirius wandered back down the stairs. "Did I miss the awkwardness?" He asked plopping down.

"No, you bring it with you." I said sardonically. We all shared a good-natured laugh at his expense.

Upon Sirius' request, I made a Christmas Shopping trip in Diagon Alley. He said that he'd finance it and I could do the shopping, that way the gifts would be from the both of us. Harry's gift was the easiest. I bought a handsome Defense Against the Dark Arts book set. I picked out a boxes of sweets for Ron and Hermione. I bought a nice set of self-cleaning tumblers for Arthur and Molly and some vintage firewhiskey for Sirius. I even bought some new socks for myself. The hard part was deciding what to get Tonks and her family.

Sirius said not to get Andromeda anything. He had a picture he wanted to give her. I had a brilliant moment and went on the hunt for an Elton John vinyl record for Ted. Tonks always talked about him being a fan, she even carried her large pillow named Elton John around with her when staying with me. Once I had Ted 's gift in hand I had to find a gift for my Nymphadora. Everything seemed inadequate, too pricy, too intimate to by from Sirius and me. There was some nice perfume outside the Apothecary, but Tonks didn't wear perfume. There were some very sexy night-things, but Sirius would strangle me if I got that as a 'from us' gift, not to mention she's open it in front of her parents. I spent hours wandering around Diagon Alley. Thankfully, I had been bright enough to go back to Grimmauld Place and give Sirius the gifts I already had, otherwise my arms might have fallen off from the weight.

It was nearly time for most of the shops to close when I dashed into Madame Malkin's. I knew dress robes would be a ridiculous gift, but they carried shirts and other articles of clothing in there too. Relief swept over me as I picked out her present. I wasn't sure if it would work, but it felt like a safe risk. I scampered back to Grimmauld Place in time to get some dinner.

Christmas Eve was a bit nerve-racking for me. I tried to play it off with Harry and the kids. I left under the guise of having Order business. I felt flushed as I met Tonks at her flat so we could Apparate to her parent's house together. She straightened out my sweater and kissed my nose before saying that I looked great. We left for her parents with our hands interlocked.

Ted and Andromeda, both of whom were dressed festively, greeted Tonks and me with enthusiasm. I wondered if Tonks told them about our recent ups and downs. Their behavior suggested that they still believed us to be a happy couple. Andromeda cooked up a delightful meal that outshone the one she prepared on my previous visit.

"'Dora says you've been busy lately." Ted said in a nonchalant voice that didn't match the piercing stare from his usually friendly eyes. I wondered if he knew how upset I'd made Tonks.

I looked up from the bite I was about to take. "'Dora " was a new moniker to me. I quite liked it. "Work's been hectic. They've had a lot of cataloging and research that they wanted done last year." I gave a rye laugh. "Nymphadora has been the only person to get me through the past few months." I smiled warmly, knowing that my statement was completely true. She was my light at the end of the tunnel during my week in bed. Tonks was also the smile that occasionally played across my face when I felt down.

Ted's curiosity about my absence dissipated and was replaced by his reminiscent retelling of Nymphadora as a child. He did an animated reenactment of Tonks refusing to wear a frilly dress for Christmas dinner at her Aunt's house (Ted's sister, naturally). "Then she pulled the skirt over her head, showing her knickers and all for the world to see and ran around the house shouting at us." Ted was tearing up from laughing. Andromeda's face glowed red from behind her hand. Tonks held her head high and laughed along.

"No one in their right mind would wear that dress. It was hideous. The skirt had ruffles and bows." Tonks twisted her face up in disgust.

"It did match your hair, dear." Andromeda smiled fondly at her daughter. "I think it was a nice teal color at the time." Tonks rolled her eyes. "Oh well, I know you could have matched your hair to anything, but you were such an obstinate child. It was best to buy something in a color you sported of your own free will."

The good-natured laughter continued into opening presents. I was beyond thrilled with a tea set that Ted and Andromeda had for me. It was very ornate looking and would be a welcome replacement for the cracked set I had. Ted was tickled pink at the Elton John record I got him. Andromeda seemed to appreciate the photo of her and Sirius as kids. I was quick to add some comforting words about Sirius' path in life. I knew I couldn't tell her of his innocence, but I thought reminding her of their former relationship would soften the tone she used when she said his name. Indeed, her voice was barely audible as she confessed that she still had a hard time believing him guilty, even after all these years.

It was Tonks' turn to give me her present. She was beaming at me as she passed me a lumpy looking package. I opened it feeling some trepidation as to what it might contain. A wave of dubious shock washed over me as a green sweater unfolded in my lap. I let out a quiet 'wow' and held up the warm looking garment for Ted and Andromeda to see. "Did you make this?" I asked Tonks while holding back the urge to look for tags.

Tonks screwed up her face into a critical expression, "Why? Are the sleeves uneven?" We both let out a burst of laughter. I reached for the box which contained Tonks' present. She opened it with the care one would think to be reserved for a newborn baby. I was pleased to hear a delighted 'Oooooh' escape Tonks' lips as she saw her present. She held up the Weird Sisters shirt, bra and panties for her parents to see. I felt myself bush as Andromeda admired the bra. Perhaps that was too intimate to give in front of her parents, but if they disapproved, their faces did not show it. 

We left a short while later. Tonks and I stayed at her flat that night. I was introduced to a new delicacy... Well, I considered it a divine treat at least. I chided Tonks as she pulled out a bag of marshmallows. "What are those for?" I asked with my eyebrows raised. She smiled and said they were for roasting. "That's a very _muggle_ thing to do, you know." I was smirking at the idea. We could certainly heat them with a quick flick of the wand, but I agreed to try roasting them. I regretted teasing Tonks for roasting marshmallows as I found it both a delight to do and even more enjoyable to eat. I found the sticky residue left on my fingers to be most satisfying as I couldn't quite get it off between marshmallows. I deemed the experience gooey and good before we went to bed.

Christmas morning with Tonks was most enjoyable. We breakfasted together (I even roasted some marshmallows for her) and I set off for Grimmauld place. I had to stop by Kingsley's place to go over our plan one last time. If Tonks didn't leave her flat on her own, he was to request that she deliver information to Grimmauld Place and then set up a thing or two for me in her flat. I was extremely grateful that Kingsley acquiesced to help in my plan for seducing Tonks.

Our trip to St. Mungo's was quite eventful, from my point of view at least. Arthur was in a room with two other occupants, one of which was a newly bitten werewolf. I meandered over and introduced myself. The fellow was called John Thomas Whitmore. I held in a smirk at his name and focused my efforts on letting him know that it is quite possible to carry on a normal existence as a werewolf. "I bet you don't have a wife and kids to drag into this." John snarled at me. "Me old lady hasn't been to see me once since..."

"I'm sure it'll take some getting use to." I said cutting across him. "I'm not married, to answer your question. I... I am involved with someone and..." I felt hypocritical giving someone a pep talk on the werewolf dating scene when I had been avoiding it most of my adult life. "I feel it's quite possible for werewolves to find mates for themselves." I finished optimistically. I could tell that John Thomas wasn't open for hearing anymore encouragement from me. I left him in peace telling him to Owl me if ever he need support.

I was on my way back towards Arthur's bed when Moody gripped my arm and said hoarsely, "I'd like a word with you Lupin." I followed Moody out of the room without raising any objections. The Weasleys, Harry and Hermione hardly took notice of us leaving. Moody steered me into what seemed to be an unused supply closet. "I've been hearing things... unsettling things." My mind instantly thought of Harry and his strange dream-vision. You can imagine how much of a shock it was to hear, "I don't like the sound of how you're treating Tonks," come from Moody's scarred mouth. I made to reply but words were hushed immediately. "I know it's none of my business what she gets up to, but she's a damn good woman and you better rethink your actions with her."Before I could form a reply, Moody left me with a bewildered expression on my face. I spent a few moments alone with abandoned cleaning supplies and collected myself. I didn't make any allusions to my strange interlude with Moody. I preferred to pretend it didn't happen.

Needless to say, I was glad to return to Grimmauld Place. All thoughts of Moody were pushed out of my mind as I entered the kitchen. I was a bit taken aback to see Tonks and Sirius in a state of uncontrolled laughter and giddiness that suggested they drank their way through several flagons of mulled mead. I had a feeling that I was the subject of their joking and merriment as their laughter seemed to increase upon my arrival in the kitchen and their inability to meet my eyes. "Perhaps you should head home." I suggested to Tonks suppressing a wolfish grin. "I'll escort you." Tonks needed help getting into her jacket she was still laughing uncontrollably. Harry, Ron and Hermione took her behavior for intoxication and gave her wide berth as we passed to leave. I imagined they suspected her clumsiness would increase in a state of such intoxication.

The cold air seemed to bring Tonks to her senses and she mentioned having a bit of a laugh with Sirius. I smiled benignly. That could have been the understatement of the year. We weren't really walking at that point but standing in the gently falling snow. Tonks looked as if debating something. I was trying to push out the words I had to say to make my plan work. I idly brushed some snow out of Tonks' bright hair and asked if I could stay with her that night. While I had stayed over many times, Tonks seemed to understand that I meant 'stay over' in every possible lewd way. She leaned close to me and whispered yes while gently biting my ear. My short fuse was lit by her simple lustful gesture. Before I quite realized what we were doing, Tonks and I were snogging passionately in an alley near her flat. I didn't quite remember apparating there either. We continued snogging into the building and in the elevator. I felt quite rude for not realizing there was another person in the lift with us. While he yelled at us as we got off on Tonks' floor, I couldn't help but feel he was somewhat amused by our lechery.

Once we were within in the confines of Tonks' apartment, we pulled apart for a brief moment. We were both out of breath from our nonverbal dueling. I took Tonks by her hand and led her to the bedroom. A smile broke across my face as I saw her eyes widen with excitement. Kingsley followed my instructions to a T. He had laid out vibrant pink rose petals in a path to the bed and scattered a deal of the petals on top of the bed. Tonks attacked me with her mouth and as we undressed in an excited furry of clothing and kissing I felt a mounting pressure in my chest. _What if I didn't live up to her expectations?_ Our relationship had been dripping with sexual tension from the beginning. I started to doubt if I could make this good enough to make up for the months of no action in this department. My uncertainty was washed away as I leaned into Tonks, asking her if she was sure about this. She let out a low sounding, hissing 'yes' that calmed my anxieties and allowed me to enjoy our blissful oblivion that others would crudely refer to as sex.


	10. Infinitesimal Words

I had to pinch myself the next morning to make sure I wasn't dreaming the euphoria I felt. I was engulfed in Tonks' warm arms and her breath pleasantly tickled my skin. It was with a jolt I realized I forgot something, something quite significant. In our...exuberance the night before, I neglected to tell my Nymphadora the one thing that I had yearned to tell her for what seemed like my entire life. Those three infinitesimal words that carried such profound meaning in relationships. I needed to tell Tonks that I loved her. I couldn't believe I had skipped such an essential step in love-making. 

I felt as if I had mucked up a work of art, I was making a lemon meringue pie and left out the lemons. Tonks didn't seem to notice the absence of my confession of undying love. It occurred to me that she was most likely use to _not _hearing that in a romantic setting and might find it weird if I combine the two. I was set and determined to tell her though... I had to.

From an outsider's perspective, Tonks and I acted the same as we had before we ventured into a sexual relationship. I didn't fancy _everyone_ knowing our relationship. I wasn't ashamed, I just felt it prudent to keep private matters private. It did seem that Dumbledore was privy to the new development in the ever-thickening plot between Tonks and I. He asked us to escort Harry, Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, and Ginny to Hogwarts on the Knight Bus. I guessed that Dumbledore wanted to put Tonks and I together as much as he could. I didn't object to Dumbledore making time for us to spend together. I decided to use the long bus ride back to London to talk to Tonks and perhaps tell her of my un-quenchable love for her. 

When Tonks and I arrived at Grimmauld Place the morning we were to return the kids to Hogwards, Sirius was in a foul state. I approached my old friend cautiously. "Padfoot?" I said in a low voice. Tonks remained at my shoulder as I made my query. "Everything alright?"

Sirius glanced up from the cup of tea he had been glaring at. "Dumbledore wants Harry to learn _Occlumency_." He said the word as if it were a bitter tasting potion. An explanation for his rancid tone came when he added, "Snape is teaching him."

Tonks let out a low whistle and asked the question that had been floating through my mind. "Why does Dumbledore want him to do that?" Her voice was low. I thought perhaps she found the information to be grave. Then I remembered how well voices carried out of the kitchen.

Sirius opened his mouth to respond to Tonks' question when Molly bustled in saying "Buck up, Sirius. Your row with Severus wasn't enough to get this bent out of shape." Sirius shot a scornful look. She was quite unconcerned with his mood. Molly had expressed on more than one occasion that Sirius' temper tantrums only added to the gloomy atmosphere of the house.

"What do you mean, they rowed?" I asked feeling slightly alarmed. Sirius' mood had been unstable and Snape had a knack for prodding Sirius' sore spots.

"I don't know all the details, but when we walked in they were looking daggers and had each other at wand point." Molly's voice was low as we could hear movement from upstairs.

Tonks was looking at all of our faces. She seemed bemused by the severity of the situations. "So they had words. They're both grown Wizards..." her voice trailed off as we heard a group coming down the stairs. Tonks lowered her voice even further as she said, "Don't let that git have the pleasure of upsetting you like this." Sirius looked as if he wanted to retort and insist he wasn't upset and that Snape had not gotten to him, as that was his usual remark when Snape upset him, but he dared not say anything in front of the kids. We dropped the conversation under Harry's keen eye.

Rounding up six teenagers, getting them on the Knight Bus, escorting them to Hogsmeade and seeing them off safely was a cake walk compared to getting a chance to drench Tonks in an outpouring of emotions. We were both a bit out of sorts after seeing Sirius so upset. I could tell by the few times our eyes had met that morning in Grimmauld Place that we both wanted to discuss Occulmency and Sirius' deteriorating temperament, but I had my own agenda for our time together that afternoon. After waving goodbye to all of the kids and wishing them a good term, Tonks and I climbed back on the Knight Bus. I steered us to a deserted section of the bus. Tonks pondered if the kids would be alright at school. Feeling quite distracted by what I wanted to say, I idly assured her that they would be perfectly fine. 

Finally working up the nerve, I took in a quick breath and said, "I need to talk to you about something important, Nymphadora." A look crossed Tonks' face. I wasn't sure if it was aggravation at the use of her first name or trepidation for the unknown conversation to come. I had started off my 'we need to stop seeing each other' talks this way in the past. I smiled hoping to comfort her meanwhile making a mental note to work on my phrasing for positive conversations. I took Tonks' small hand in mine and said, "You make me feel alive in ways that I haven't felt in ages, if ever." I let out a nervous laugh. "I don't know if I could live without your smile to brighten my day..." I paused, hoping that this wouldn't push the limits of saccharine behavior. "My heart skips a few beats when your eyes light up with excitement." 

My next sentence was interrupted by the Knight Bus which took a sharp turn knocking us into one another. I took this as a sign to get a move on. "I should have said this much sooner than I'm saying it..." I glanced around to ensure our privacy. "I..." the words seemed caught in my throat. "I--"

WHAM! The Knight Bus served violently knocking Tonks onto the floor. In a cascade of luggage, her nose appeared to be broken. I pulled my wand out and knelt next to her. Tonks' face was covered in blood and yet she was looking up at me with those bright eyes of hers. "What were you saying?" she asked as if we had merely paused for a moment by a benign event. "Please, tell me." Tonks looked hopefully up at me. I thought she knew what I was about to say and perhaps had been expecting me to say it for some time.

"I love you, Nymphadora." I said in the most romantic voice I could muster while watching Tonks' nose bleed freely. "Please, let me fix your nose." I said it without thinking. I realized it must have sounded rather lame to say, but I didn't let that deter me from putting my wand to her nose and saying "_Episkey_."

Tonks' nose stopped bleeding. She let out a sigh that flecked my robes in blood. "Oh Remus, I love you so much." In an attempt to hug me, Tonks knocked both of us over. Our ordeal caught the attention of the conductor, Stan Shunpike, who made his way over to us to tell us off for our behavior. Tonks icily told him, "We wouldn't be on the floor if this blasted bus hadn't served hard enough to knock Azkaban from its foundation." Stan backed off after taking in Tonks' bloody face.

"Let me clean up your face a bit, Tonks." I said pulling her closer to me. "You look a mess." Tonks sat down to avoid any more falling incidents and let me siphon the mess from her face and robes. I couldn't have imagined a less romantic sounding string of events, but Tonks sat next to me in a complacent matter with her head resting comfortably against my shoulder. I supposed than any romantic scenario with Tonks would include some sort of trip up. At least we wouldn't be dull sounding.

The romantic flirty bubble that had formed between Tonks and I that afternoon was popped by an unstable and nearly deranged Sirius. We were laughing merrily when we walked into the room in which Sirius had secluded himself. Sirius' eyes snapped onto us like a bludger to its target. He seemed to take offense to our good mood. "What, did you guys run off and elope?" Sirius spat waspishly. The grin that had been fixed on my face slipped into a concerned frown. "You do realize this means you'll have to shag her, don't you?" Sirius' voice had the unmistakable ring of a person trying to strike as low as one could reach. "Whatever you were up to, it was probably more fun than I've had in the past _year_." I stood in stunned shock as Sirius wept into his hands. In all my years as his friend, I hadn't seen him break down so severely. He had been on a breaking point for quite some time, but this was something else.

Tonks approached Sirius first. She hadn't known the always calm and collected Sirius Black from school. She was talking to him in a low consoling voice. It didn't take her Auror training to see that her words were having little to no effect on Sirius. She looked up at me for help.

I decided that my usual soft-spoken words of solace would not suffice. "Padfoot, mate, this won't last forever." I sighed deeply. "The Ministry is bound to take their head our of their arse and smell the roses before too long."

My words only angered Sirius further. He smashed his hand on the table and right onto a glass figurine. Tonks gasped as did I. She took his hand and stopped the bleeding using the spell I had used on her nose that afternoon. In a different scenario, I would have remarked how quickly she picked up the spell, but I thought it best to keep that thought to myself for the moment. I returned my attention to Sirius by pulling him out of the chair and leading him downstairs.

Sirius' voice shook slightly as he spoke. "You know, that _git_," I didn't need clarification as to who the git was, "That git will be teaching Harry for the rest of the year... He's going to use it as a reason to torment him! As if his abysmal classes weren't enough time for him to make him miserable... Mr. 'I do _my_ part of the Order' doesn't need anything else to inflate that greasy head of his."

"Is that what you two argued about?" Tonks said quietly. "His work for the Order?" She was sipping on some tea looking rather forlorn.

"He said I don't have any use... no purpose. Well, other than giving up this house." He looked around the kitchen with a hateful look. "I don't give a hippogriff's wing what he thinks... but, he's right. I'm not of any use anymore. I can't go out and _do_ anything." Sirius looked on the verge of reckless abandonment.

"The thing is," I paused to think out my words. "None of us are really _doing_ anything. Tonks is going about her work as usual. I don't think any of us had any 'special mission' or secret life... other than Snape. And that's only because he was dim-witted enough to get a Mark burned into his arm." Sirius looked slightly cheered at his. "You are at the center of the action... and there isn't a lot of action at the moment. Besides, old Snivelley would give his monthly shower to rile you up."

Sirius broke into a smile. "Please, I can't think of him showering, I'd like to eat again this century." Sirius' laugh rang out and marked a change in the mood for that night. If Tonks and I thought we had a handle on Sirius' mood swings and outbursts, we were terribly mistaken.

It was Kingsley's patronus that alerted us to the mass breakout from Azkaban on that otherwise enjoyable night less than a fortnight later. Then it was the sound of a vase crashing against a wall that woke Tonks and me up from our stunned silence. Sirius was wrenching himself out of a chair. "I'll show the bleeding Ministry who's rallying who!" Sirius had his wand out. Tonks' eyes widened as sparks flew out of its end. I reacted on instinct and pulled Sirius into a rough hold. It could almost be called a hug if I wasn't trying to prevent him from charging out of the house in his temper. 

"Padfoot, mate... what good will it do to run out of here and get yourself Kissed?" I shook him slightly. "You don't want that. You need to be here... be here for Harry." I knew it was a bit of a low blow, but I hoped it would ground him slightly. Harry was Sirius' one tender spot, after all. Sirius' chest was heaving in a constrained manner. I glanced over my shoulder to see Tonks' frozen in a stunned stupor.

Tonks' came to her sense and approached Sirius. "If anything... this will eventually prove that you are in fact _not _Death Eater..." Sirius eyes' met hers and his breathing slowed slightly. Unfortunately, it was left up to me to carry this argument to its fruition. Tonks was called into work and did not return for what felt like several days. Sirius was in the thick of Order news passing. He enjoyed the increase in his involvement, but I could see that he took his role grudgingly.

It was in one of our late nights without Tonks that I was reminded of my strange encounter with Moody over Christmas. We were finishing up my Potion for the month. Tonks had spent quite a lot of time fretting over its brewing. Sirius and I were merely 'minding the fire' in her absence. "I think Moody likes her." I said out of the blue.

Sirius looked up from the notes he was reading and raised his eyebrows. "Nymphadora?" He asked with a tone of surprise. I nodded. "You're off your bleeding broom!" He said with a bark of laughter. We sat in silence for several minutes. The only sounds that penetrated the night were Sirius' occasional chuckle with a dubious shake of his head and the gurgling of the potion. "I just don't see Moody as the type of guy to get a 'crush' on someone he's barely spent time with. It's like you said, they weren't in the Ministry together."

I debated whether I should tell Sirius about Moody cornering me at St. Mungo's. I decided against it. It made sense that he would feel a sort of fatherly affection towards Tonks. I muttered in agreement to squash the topic. I felt guilt seeping into me like toxic fumes from an inescapable swamp. Something of that toxic fume called guilt resonated through the next week. Tonks picked up on it while we were at my place shortly before my transformation. In a twisted way, I was thankful that she thought I was having second thoughts about us. Second thoughts seemed better than thinking she had a relationship with someone who was well into his career when her parents were finishing up at Hogwarts. I could tell it stung Tonks to think I was rethinking our relationship. It made me wonder if all my doubt and suspicion was a subconscious attempt at finding reasons to end our courtship. Reasons to end our otherwise blissful relationship seemed to creep in our lives in the most unexpected ways.

I'm not sure if I've quite described what Tonks did to me. She was the most beautiful women I had ever encountered. Her quirks and off-beat nature only endured her to me even more. She could light my fire just be walking in a room. Around certain times of the month, she would have such a hold over me that one might suspect her to have cast some sort of enchantment on me. Tonks knew that she could enchant me with the smallest of kisses or most delicate touch. Her power over me increased manyfold around the full moon. After this particular full moon Tonks and I spent some extra time together in bed which caused her to be a bit late for work. I could have ignored my wolfish need that morning, but I chose to be reckless. Neither of us thought her tardiness would go noticed. I certainly wasn't expecting an owl from Kingsley midday saying that Tonks had been questioned by Rufus Scrimgeour. I was appalled when his letter stated that she was not brought in for her slight tardiness (as I had first though upon first glancing at the letter). The majority of her questioning was in regards to her relationship with _me_.

I had to end things, I knew it. I went to Tonks' flat and waited for her trying to piece together the right way of saying what was on my mind. I had no right to be with her if it could ruin her career and her work for the Order. Surely she would understand. My stomach churned relentlessly as I waited for Tonks to turn the door handle and enter her flat. 

After a few hours of waiting, I heard her in the hall when she tripped and knocked over the neighbor's rubbish bin. I held my breath as the door creaked open. I was halfway out of my seat when Tonks said, "Kingsley told you then?" Her voice was timid but carried a resolute tone. I wondered for a moment if she were planning to break things up with me.

I was sorely mistaken. My Nymphadora was stubbornly opposed to us breaking up over Ministry idiocy. I felt a pang as I looked into her magnificent eyes and saw them well with pain at my suggestion. I couldn't bring myself to be resolute and break up with her... not when she was so set against it. I held Tonks for quite a while that night. I could feel her ease up while in my embrace. Later that evening, after the dust had settled, Tonks showed me a few pictures that they had in her file.

I was flabbergasted to see them. From the range of scenes, they had been following us for quite some time. I asked for one where we were in the Hall of Knowledge together. I said, more to myself than to Tonks that I was very aroused when that picture was taken. Tonks snorted with laughter. I supposed that it was more like Sirius to make that kind of announcement.

It was with great displeasure I learned that Sirius and Tonks had been in contact with the 'adult fiction' author. I could see why they were keen to keep that information from me after I came across and read one of the letters. She was very interested in Sirius. I thought it was suspicious. "She's just a pen-friend!" Sirius said in a rather aggressive way after I confronted him with letter. I held off on saying anything until Tonks had duty. I hoped that getting in an argument with Sirius would distract me from worrying about Tonks and her absence would give him a lesser edge than he'd have with her as his ally.

"A pen-friend? Do you usually ask pen-friends about their romantic plans for..." I glanced at the letter again. "For Valentine's day?" I gasped and swore under my breath. I hadn't done anything for Valentine's day in quite a few years and didn't realize it was approaching.

Sirius jumped on the opportunity to turn the conversation elsewhere. "Forgotten about it have you? I don't think that'll fly too well with dear 'Dora." Sirius gave a heavy sigh and nonchalantly took the letter out of my limp hand. "Have any Plans Romeo?"

I stood up and started to pace the room. "I... this is..." I couldn't quite wrap my mind around the weight of the approaching romantic holiday. Sirius sniggered at my loss of words. "Oh, shut it Don Juan. Just because you've only celebrated it as..." I probed for words. "The International Day of Shagging, doesn't mean the rest of the world must carry on as you."

"International Day of Shagging?" Sirius chortled quietly. "I'll have to use that one..." I gave him a sharp look. "Oi! No sense trying to Avarda Kedarva me with your eyes, Moony. It was funny... but, you're right. We should focus at the task at hand... how to help you woo Ms. Tonks." I laughed begrudgingly. Sirius was acting as if we were embarking to charge a windmill on horseback. Despite his off-balanced demeanor, Sirius was an invaluable aid in pulling off a wonderful Valentine's Day.


	11. We Are Nowhere and It's Now

"It's been so long" I told Sirius as we planned my romantic Valentine's Day with Tonks. It had been years that felt like a lifetime since I tried my hand at this level of romance.

"You have everything you need." Sirius raised his hand to count. "A girl, an idea, time, and an incredibly helpful mate who will help you pull everything together." Sirius was always over-confident when it came to exams and other measures of ability. He tended to pass these things with little effort. Naturally he saw a Valentine's Day with him as the co-author being an immediate success.

Contrary to my anxiety, I did manage a normal, romantic love-filled Valentine's Day. Sirius helped me serenade Tonks and was quite happy to redecorate the kitchen to look like a café. The rest of the day was in my own hands. We went to the zoo together. It was one of the best days I'd spent with her. We made faces at the monkeys, walked like penguins, and debated whether the zebra was white with black stripes or black with white stripes.

After Valentine's Day, Sirius asked for details of our date. He was disappointed we didn't try imitating the lions who were shagging in their exhibit but was glad that we had an exception outing together. It seemed that hearing about our romantic outing caused Sirius to reignite his longing to connect romantically with the trashy author he wrote in the fall.

"You can't be the only one with someone in his life, Moony." Sirius was sitting at the table with a quill in hand and a mostly blank parchment in front of him. "I need more than friends and a godson."

I could tell it would be a challenge to talk Sirius off this particular ledge. I decided to start by acknowledging his feelings. "It can't be easy to see the people closest to you in…" I was trying to think of what would describe the exact connection Sirius was missing out on.

"Love?" Sirius offered raising an eyebrow. "Bed together? A relationship?" I was slightly surprised at Sirius' ranking of love over all other voids in his life.

I could see that a different approach was needed. "You're still in your prime. There's –"

"Prime? Remus, I spent my prime years wasting away in Azkaban!" Sirius' voice was raised as was his temper. "I escaped that hell just to land in a ceaseless prison of hiding out while my life slips away."

"Your life is _not_ slipping away. This" I indicated the room we were in. "This is just a temporary confinement. You will not be stuck here for the rest of your life." I poured Sirius a drink and one for myself. "In a few months Voldemort will reveal himself and people will know you're not on his side."

"He practically flashed the entire wizarding world! The bloody breakout wasn't the most subtle feat." Sirius' tone moved from bitter anger to sneering sarcasm. It was a move in the right direction at least.

Tonks walked in at that point. "Making plans to flash people?" She had been on Guard Duty. "You might want to freshen up before. Just for the maximum impact. You've been a bit Mundungus-stale lately." Tonks' half-smile was alluring. Sirius caught my admiring gaze and left the room in a huff. "…did I interrupt something?" Tonks asked unsure of herself.

"Just a lonely heart." I said with a slight smile. I felt selfish parading my feelings for Nymphadora in front of my friend who needed affection.

Sirius started to drink his feelings away. The result was fewer outburst and schemes to communicate with strangers hoping for a personal connection. There were nights that he just sat in his comfy chair with a drink in hand. Attempts to cheer Sirius up were met with a drunken glare. Tonks could see that my friend's demeanor created a great deal of angst for me. She suggested getting out of the house for a night (after Sirius passed out of course).

We ended up taking a stroll near Big Ben. There weren't many stores or restaurants open but it was nice to be out of the house. Tonks could see that my mind was still on Sirius. "Don't feel guilty about leaving Sirius alone in the house. He's sound asleep."

"It's not leaving him… I'm living the experiences and enjoying the parts of life that he's missing so desperately." I sighed deeply and leaned against a wall. Looking around I could see Westminster Abbey just across the street.

"Remus," Nymphadora sounded stern. "You can't live your life based on what other people do or do not have in theirs." I opened my mouth to counter but she preempted me. "It's not selfish. You've watched all your friends experience love and relationships before and were never begrudged them happiness."

I squeezed Tonks' hand. "You're right. I can't live less – " I stopped abruptly. There had been a rustle on the other side of the wall I was leaning against. "Did you hear that?" Tonks' cocked her head to one side listening.

"No, but maybe we should go." She headed toward a group of trees that we could use for cover to disapperate.

We were halfway between the wall and the trees when I saw a person who looked vaguely familiar. "Run." I whispered. I didn't want to wait to find out but it looked like Dolohov. Our increased speed caused Dolohov to take his wand out. "Protego" I managed before he could get his jinx out. That gave us time to reach the trees and safely make it near number 12.

Nymphadora was nearly out of breath when we reached the alley we used to apparate near Grimmauld Place. I went to embrace her but she held up her hand. "Let's get back before we celebrate." While we knew the protection on headquarters would stop people from following us into the building, our path back was convoluted enough to make it hard to find the approximate location as well.

That night I counted myself fortunate. Dolohov was renowned for capturing and killing his prey. I was lying in bed, unable to sleep. My mind was racing while through possible explanations for the encounter. Were Tonks and me worth following? How did he know where we happened to go? We only briefly discussed our destination before leaving. Then it hit me; they were in the area to track down this house. I jumped out of bed.

"Is it morning already?" Tonks said sleepily. She looked at me rather blearily. I was at the desk in our room looking for a parchment and quill. "I thought you were going to tell Duuuuuubledore." Nymphadora yawned spectacularly mid-word.

"This can't wait. I think they're stationed in the neighborhood." I scribbled out a note to Dumbledore and took a moment to re-read the message. "He needs to know right away." Tonks was sitting up in bed with her knees up to her chest. I could see from the look on her face that the run-in with Dolohov seemed a random coincidence until this point. I sealed the letter and tapped it with my wand. It disappeared leaving a faint outline where it had been. I crawled back into bed and held Nymphadora closely. "Don't worry; we're safe here."

Sirius wasn't surprised when we told him about Death Eater activity in the area. It seemed odd to me that they thought of Grimmauld Place as a worthwhile location to stalk. Sirius guessed they were running him to ground. His cousins would know the general area for the house after all. Dumbledore advised caution when leaving the house and insisted that the Order start apparating to the area at various locations rather than find and pick a favorite spot as Tonks and I had done.

Our heightened sense of worry was amplified when we got wind of Harry's interview at the Quibbler. Tonks brought news of it from the Auror's office where there was a buzz regarding his story of Voldemort's return. An Order meeting was called that evening to go over a response strategy. It was our first Order meeting in quite a while. People had been communicating updates to Dumbledore rather than in a face-to-face meeting. This update warranted having Grimmauld Place filled with Order members.

Wanting to keep my behavior discreet, I sat apart from Tonks during the meeting. I didn't want to drag a romance into our resistance against Voldemort. Nymphadora saw my distance in front of our peers as a slight against our relationship. Explaining myself was difficult.

"Are you ashamed to be with me?" Nymphadora asked that night. She had tears in her eyes.

I thought back on my actions during the meeting. I had treated Tonks like an acquaintance. Not my partner, lover, friend. I knew what was behind my behavior. "I wasn't sure if you wanted to have a public relationship." I lied. Telling Nymphadora that I still struggled to justify myself seemed like it would have hurt more. I was wrong.

"So you're fine shagging me or going out in the Muggle world but can't hold it together when we're in front of our friends and colleagues?" Her anger was palpable and quite justified.

I tried an explanation closer to the truth. "I didn't think it was prudent to show, well, we're in a fight against Voldemort. I thought openness our relationship would distract from what we're trying to do." I stopped trying to explain myself at this point. I could tell I wasn't going to un-dig the hole I was in.

"Remus, we're either together or not. I don't care if the entire world knows we're together; much less the Order." More tears splashed down Nymphadora's face. Guilt and shame flooded my heart.

"I'm so sorry." I wiped the tears from her cheeks. "I'm a bit of an idiot when it comes to sensible relationships." The look on Tonks' face clearly said she agreed. "I love you." I said gently kissing her cheek.

I found myself, again, grateful for the unwavering devotion from Tonks. I tried to make it up to her by lunching with her outside the Ministry one afternoon. The gesture went leagues with her. Walking Nymphadora back to her desk did not go as well as our lunch. While I hadn't been to the Auror level of the Ministry before, I seemed to hold a level of infamy there. Heads turned while we walked by. I ignored the looks (some of curiosity, some of ill-disguised disapproval).

Dawlish was standing near Tonks' cubicle. He seemed to ignore us until I walked past him on the way out. "You're getting too cocky, wolf." I didn't respond or indicate that I heard his taunt. I was in the elevator when a hand stopped the door from closing. Dawlish's squat face appeared between the reopening doors. "Thought I'd walk you out." He said with a sneer.

"I know the way, but you're welcome to join me for the elevator ride." I said cordially. I had a hand on my wand incase Dawlish tried something stupid. I wasn't sure if I could even defend myself. Being a werewolf made it hard to justify simple defensive actions. One step out of line and I could end up in Azkaban.

My stomach tightened with dread as Dawlish hit a button to stop the elevator in-between floors. "I don't know who you think you are, wolf, but if I were you I wouldn't flaunt your relationship with Tonksy." I grimaced at his pet-name for Nymphadora. "Once you're out of the way, I have plans for me and Tonksy."

Keeping my face impassive I managed to ask "Am I going somewhere?" Dawlish laughed deeply and pulled his wand out of a pocket. I was weighing the risk of defending myself when a maintenance person apparated into the elevator. I could have hugged the stranger in blue robes. Dawlish seemed less than pleased regarding the interruption.

"Cattermole." He grunted with an annoyed look on his face. "Don't you have _anything_ better to do right now?" The wizard, Cattermole, was reaching into his robes and pulled out a wand. Dawlish was eyeing his movement wearily.

"Just fixing the elevator." A bit unaware of the tension between Dawlish and myself, Cattermole crouched to examine the elevator panel. "Looks like the stop button got hit. Easily fixed." With a wave of his wand, the elevator continued to the Atrium. When the door opened, I briskly walked out and thanked Dawlish for kindly escorting me out. I turned on my heel and left as fast as I could without running.

I overlooked mentioning the incident to Tonks. She had been so pleased by our lunch together that it seemed unfair to worry her with the actions of her smitten coworker. I did, however, tell Sirius about the event.

"Tell me why it is that this bloke isn't covered in hex marks?" Sirius had his feet up and a drink in his hand. He enjoyed hearing about my brush with danger but found the story anticlimactic.

"You don't get it." I was trying to keep bitterness out of my tone. "A werewolf's actions are usually assumed to have the worst meanings. Dawlish could have turned the story into me luring him onto the elevator and attacking him. My word gets me about as far as Hagrid on a broom." Sirius smirked and let the subject drop.

When my birthday rolled around I was surprised and delighted at the day Nymphadora planned for me. She kept an air of mystery about her by telling me to meet her at her flat as she left for work. Her departure was quite earlier than usual. Part of me wondered if she was able to keep secrets.

I got to her flat at the time she specified and smelled food cooking. I looked around the hallway wondering which of her neighbors were home having dinner. When Tonks' door opened I was hit with a waft of the food I smelled from the hallway. "You cooked dinner?" I hoped that my voice hid the uncertainty I felt at the idea.

Nymphadora kissed me before permitting me entrance. "I'm more than a two-trick horse." The smile curving her lips was devious. "I did get some help." I felt relief wash over me. "Molly gave me some lessons." Suddenly a home cooked dinner sounded wonderful.

After what turned out to be a quite good dinner, Tonks gave me a book I had been eyeing for some time. I was surprised she remembered as it had been a few months since we were at Flourish and Blotts together. Our passion ensued that night. For not the first or last time I felt the need to consume as much of Nymphadora as I could. I was lucky to have her and I knew I'd have to make some luck to keep her.


	12. The First Drop

"Tonks, do you have an owl I could borrow?" Sirius must have thought the pantry was soundproof or that I wouldn't inquire about him sending a letter. We were about to sit down to a dinner that Kreacher grudgingly prepared. I was looking for more pepper to help with the taste.

"Have you seen me with an owl?" Tonks asked leaning back in her chair. "Have I talked about one?" I could see her smirk from the pantry door. Apparently she was unconcerned by his request.

"Uh, Padfoot, you have a pet. Why do you need to borrow someone else's?" I hoped a stab at humor would keep the conversation from turning into another Sirius social crisis. I sat back at the table setting down a few bottles I found. "No pepper but I found some hot sauce."

Sirius' face clearly showed he wasn't going to play the pet game. "Between you and Buckbeak I have pets o'plenty." Sarcasm was usually his first line of defense. "I thought I'd write the Daily Prophet regarding Voldemort's return."

This proclamation was met with a few moments silence from Tonks and me. I could tell by his face that this wasn't just a flittering idea; there was a great deal of thought and contemplation behind the proposed correspondence. When neither of us remarked on his endeavor, Sirius reached into his pocket and revealed a carefully folded letter.

"Can I read this?" I reached across the table for the parchment. Sirius handed it to me. He looked relieved at being taking seriously. I read his letter while eating our onion soup. The letter was written from an anonymous source and detailed all the reasons that the Prophet should acknowledge Voldemort's return. "You make good points, Sirius. But – "

"I figured there'd be a 'but' involved." Sirius scowled at me. "What is it, Moony? Will the Dementors find me based on their advanced handwriting analysis? Or will Kingsley forget he's on my side and let Scrimgeour know where I am?" Sirius raised an eyebrow as if to challenge me to poke any holes in his letter plan.

"I doubt there could be any direct connection between you and this letter. I just don't know why they'd take this seriously." I could tell this wasn't the approach Sirius was expecting. "There are experts in and out of the Ministry with very high status on both sides of the believing in Voldemort's return. One more vote cast toward Dumbledore's story won't make a difference." I was being mean, cruel even, but I felt the need to deter this letter from being sent. I glanced at Tonks hoping for support.

Tonks had the letter in hand and was reviewing it with a furrowed brow. "I think you're wrong, Remus." Sirius smirked. If there was one thing he relished, it was when Tonks took his side. "This could lead back to Sirius." The smirk slid off Sirius' face and it was his turn to furrow his brow.

"How exactly would that happen?" Sirius sounded defiant.

"Your letter reveals a wealth of knowledge about Voldemort's return and the key players involved – on the Death Eater and Order side. Any astute reader will figure out that someone close to Harry had to write this letter. The ministry has as good as said that you two are in league. Umbridge has put it out that any leads on you should be tied back to Harry. You'd be top on the list of people who would write a letter like this." Tonks set the letter down carefully. "Even worse is that the letter implicates Order members who are not known members."

I tried not to show my pleasure at Tonks' analysis of the letter. Sirius would disregard her comments if he thought they were made to appease me. "I could edit the letter" Sirius suggested half-heartedly. "I just wanted to do something that would make those idiots at the Ministry see the truth." I could see the melancholy sink in. Sirius was quiet for the rest of the night. The defeat of his letter seemed to subdue him for the moment.

Later that night when Tonks I were getting ready for bed I revisited the topic from dinner. "Were you going to acquiesce Sirius' request for an owl?" Tonks' head was stuck in the neck of her robes. She tried turning to face me but hit the footboard of our bed instead. "Let me help you." I tugged on her robes until they cleared her head. I was left with my arms around Tonks.

"We both know you play a better bad-cop than I do." Nymphadora kissed me and grinned. "I'm always the good-cop. I thought you knew this."

"I'm pretty sure you stepped up your bad-cop game tonight. You made me look positively cuddly."

"You are positively cuddly." Tonks squeezed my bum as she walked past me toward the bed. "Want to play bad-cop with me tonight?" A wolfish grin spread across my face. Tonks giggled and laid in the middle of the bed. I could tell it was going to be 'one of those' nights and I did not mind the slightest.

Unfortunately, it turned out to be one of those nights that included a late night visit from Dumbledore. Nymphadora and I were still awake when we heard a loud noise downstairs. Unsure if it was Sirius having a fit or something worse, we donned robes and grabbed our wands. Not knowing if it was a friend or foe making noise, we crept downstairs quietly. Rather, it was quiet until Tonks caused the bottom landing to creak.

"Ah, Nymphadora, Remus. So nice to see you _together_." Dumbledore sounded as if he were merely dropping in for a cup of tea. The hour of the visit indicated a more pressing matter than tea. I felt embarrassed in the state Dumbledore found us in. Neither of were very dressed. Proper attire didn't seem necessary before leaving the room. "I apologize for not giving adequate notice to my arrival. Perhaps we could go to the sitting room."

Dumbledore wouldn't hear my attempted explanation and apology for our state. Guilt was creeping into my system. Dumbledore seemed to be quite happy to see our relationship progressing. We made our way to comfy chairs and a table. Tonks and I both looked expectantly at Dumbledore who pulled out his wand and conjured some tea for us.

"As I'm sure you recall," Dumbledore said as he poured tea for three. "Harry started a defense group late last year." Tonks and I both nodded. "This evening they were discovered by Dolores Umbridge and a group of students she's employed to spy for her."

"I can't imagine she would pass up the opportunity to expel or arrest Harry." Tonks said looking quite surprised.

"I offered Cornelius and Dolores the opportunity to arrest me instead. They were quite eager to believe I was involved in Harry's plan. I let them believe their worst fears were real; that was working to destabilize Cornelius." Dubmledore paused to drink from his teacup. "Naturally they tried to arrest me. Thankfully Kingsley was there. His actions were instrumental in not only my departure but ensuring that Harry was not expelled. I am no longer headmaster at Hogwarts, however."

"You can't be gone from Hogwarts. It's just not safe now without your protection." I could only imagine the terror that a Ministry-run Hogwarts would inspire.

"My concern was to keep Harry at school. There would be more danger if he were outside of the school's protection. Even without my presence he'll be safer there than anywhere else. I did what I did for the greater good." I had a hard time putting together the idea of Hogwarts without Dumbledore.

"Where will you go?" Tonks, as usual, was focused on the practical side of reality.

"I will be here and there." Dumbledore said evasively. "I will stay close to the school but need to be on the move." My confusion must have be clear as writing to Dumbledore. "I will be seeking out information, not running from the Ministry. I will be in touch; you know how to reach me."

Dumbledore left shortly afterward. Tonks and I were left to give the full story to the rest of the Order as they stopped by during the next day. Sirius was brooding most of the morning; he was not happy about sleeping through an interview with Dumbledore.

The upside of Dumbledore's sudden Hogwarts departure was that Order members frequented Headquarters. Sirius felt involved in a way he missed over the past several months. All the members were dropping off updates for Dumbledore and Sirius was able to pass them off.

One afternoon while Sirius busied himself with updates for Dumbledore, I was in the kitchen trying to focus on a report on Death Eater activities. Nymphadora was running through my thoughts in ways that made it hard to focus on trifles such as the security of the wizarding world. That was until Harry's panicked voice met my ear. At Harry's request, I ran to find Sirius. He wasn't difficult to locate.

"Sirius!" I got a startled look from Sirius at the alarm in my voice. "It's Harry. He's in the fireplace." Sirius didn't ask any questions about what or why, he got up and tore past me with unusual speed. We both seemed to be expecting the worst from his need to Floo us.

Harry's urgent need turned out to be less of an immediate danger and more of a ghost of the past. Harry saw a memory of James during one of his Occlumency lessons with Snape. The memory Harry saw was one of the worst moments of James' character. He was not a cruel person but did not have the empathy for others that Harry naturally possessed. Sirius and I were left to try explaining the behavior of our dear friend from so many years ago. I didn't feel like we made a difference on Harry's impression of James. Even worse was that Snape discontinued teaching Harry Occlumency.

Both Sirius and I were in an emotional rage when Tonks stopped by that evening. I could tell she was taken aback by my visceral reaction. "Someone has to tell that git that his assignment from the Order is _not_ an option." Sirius seemed like every word was costing him.

"I'll go. I'll make him see reason." I felt grim satisfaction at the idea of intruding on Snape and holding him at wand-point.

"I could go and talk with him. I might be a bit more reasonable." I could see Tonks trying to diffuse the high tempers. I put my hand on Nymphadora's and reassured her I was well-reasoned enough to talk with Snape as an adult. I lied.

I used my flat to connect with Snape's fire that night. I could feel the wolf just below the surface and knew I'd have to keep myself in check or risk a very different encounter. I hoped to scare Snape but not permanently harm him. If I let the wolfish side of me take over there would be very little hope for my greasy-haired colleague.

When I stepped out of Snape's fire I saw he took additional precautions after Tonks' break-in the previous fall. I had to react fast to immobilize the sneakoscope he had next to the fire. I summoned Snape's wand from his bedside table. Out of a sense juvenile pleasure, I doused Snape with ice cold water just to see his reaction. While his reaction still makes me laugh, I did not anticipate that Snape would grab for his wand _and _a small knife by his bed. I managed to acquire the knife but did not stop Snape running at me, hitting me against the wall with his bodily strength. At this point having his knife was handier than his wand. I pressed the knife to his neck.

"Careful, Snape. I'd hate to see an accident happen." Snape leaned a hair close pressing the knife firmer against his pale skin.

"Lupin." I was surprised at the contempt Snape managed despite my advantage over him. "I take it Potter managed to bleat to you about his trespass into my private memories." I was slightly surprised that James being a bullying prat was among Snape's private thoughts.

"I got wind that you're no longer teaching Harry Occlumency" I push Snape away from me causing him to stumble backwards. I took advantage of Snape's clumsy movement and used the same spell Harry saw in the memory. "Let me explain to you what second chance means." I pressed his wand into his temple. "It means sticking out the jobs you'd rather avoid. Do you think Dumbledore will be pleased with your departure from the plan?"

"What makes you think I'm not following _the plan_?" I faltered for a moment and Snape seized his chance to regain control. I was on my back before I could properly defend myself. Snape's hand was at my neck, holding me to the ground. "Let me explain to _you_ what werewolf means." Snape placed his knee on top of my chest to hold my squirming body in place. "It means a lonely life of miserable existence. Do you think your Nymphadora will love you when she sees your life out of Dumbledore's protection?"

For a moment I lost my control over the wolf and I threw Snape off me with a growl of "Lies!". Snape's eyes betrayed a flicker of fear. I had just enough control to pick up my wand and retreat for the fire. "I expect Harry's lessons to start again soon." I said for a farewell.

Considering the level of hostility I experienced in Snape's quarters, I bore little physical evidence of our altercation. I knew Snape had attacked me with weapons that don't leave visible scars. His words cut me deeper than I could admit. The last thing I wanted was an emotional hiatus from Tonks. If anything, I wanted to solidify our relationship in a way I never would have thought possible – marriage.

I spent some time contemplating my matrimonial thoughts. I mentioned the thought to Sirius. He was an instant advocate of the idea. I didn't share the events that pushed this line of thought from secret, unacknowledged stirrings to a plan that needed action. For all Sirius and Tonks knew I had done little more than spray Snape with iced water and had an otherwise civilized discussion with him.

"You can't get hitched until _after_ my name is cleared." Sirius said raising his class of mulled mead. It was an occasion for drinking, after all. Keeping Sirius quiet about my intentions was a challenge. I didn't have a clear timeline for proposing or getting married. Sirius respected that but still insisted I buy a ring as fast as humanly possible.

I had a diamond; it belonged to my grandmother. I went shopping for a setting where I ran into Bill Weasley. Rather, Bill ran into me and guessed my intentions straight away. "Does Tonks know this is coming?" I didn't answer right away. I was unsure how much Bill knew about my relationship with Tonks. "Mum told me you two have been dating."

Unsurprised by his source of information, I smiled sheepishly. "I am hoping to marry Nymphadora at some point. My intentions aren't widely known though; I'd appreciate discretion." Bill nodded curtly and winked. "Are you in the market for a ring as well?"

Bill's grin was wide and wolfish. "That I am. I've been seeing Fleur for just under a year. She's amazing; never met anyone like her."

"I know the feeling." I wasn't used to talking about relationships with people, other than Sirius and he almost didn't count. I finished my transaction at the counter and left Bill to his shopping.

The ring setting cut a sizable chunk from my savings. I was used to living frugally so the extra expense would not impact my quality of life. Smuggling the ring back to Grimmauld Place wasn't as difficult as I imagined. I thought I had finished the hard part and just had to wait for the right time. I didn't realize at that time how long of a wait I had in store.

Sirius' spirits rose considerably as the end of the school year approached. He hoped to have Harry for most of the summer (after his obligatory trip to Privet Drive). In his good mood, Sirius invited most of the Order over for a night of drinking and jocularity. When Snape burst in shortly into the gathering Sirius gave me a look that clearly said this wasn't an invited guest.

"Sorry to interrupt the gaming night" A sneer formed on Snape's mouth. "It appears that Potter has been lured into the Department of Mysteries by the Dark Lord." Snape glanced at the audience to check for everyone's attention before adding, "the foolish boy."

"He wouldn't be there if you had finished teaching him Occlumency!" Sirius was on his feet. His had was in his pocket, likely holding his wand at the ready.

Tonks brought us back to the immediate issue. "Shouldn't go all go to the Ministry?" I watched as Tonks' words spurred the group to head up to the entryway.

I turned back to Snape and Sirius in time to catch Snape's goading words. "Better stay behind and wait for Dumbledore. That's all your good for." I reached out for Sirius' shoulder to hold him back.

Instead of lashing out he shouted "Kreacher!" The elf appeared in front of him. "Stay here and tell Dumbledore where we are and what happened." The elf made a bow with a grin curving his wide mouth. It unnerved me to see Kreacher look happy but I couldn't take the time to unravel the elf's odd actions.

I looked up to see Tonks near the stairs. She was waiting for us to leave. I had no doubt that Moody was upstairs making a plan for us to storm the Ministry. I reached for Tonks' hand and gave it a squeeze before we went to meet the others. I felt fear surge through me as we left Grimmauld Place. Not the usual pre-fight nerves but an undefined terror of losing the woman I loved. There wasn't time for me to pull Nymphadora for one last intimate embrace before leaving on our dangerous adventure.


	13. Silver and Cold

We were five grown wizards waiting for the lift. In other circumstances we might have chatted through the wait. None of us knew who or what awaited us in the Department of Mysteries. Then I realized that none of us knew exactly where to go. "Moody, how will we find Harry and the others when we get down there?"

Moody didn't turn towards me; I got the feeling that his magical eye was on me though. "Should be easy enough to find. Best if I lead the search." We followed Moody off the elevator. Kingsley trailed behind us to ensure we weren't followed.

We found the fighting in a short amount of time considering the apparent size of the department. Moody burst through a door that led in the Ministry death chamber. Tonks was first to get a jinx off. Her stunning spell hit Lucius Malfoy in the arm. Some of my fear for her safety ebbed away. I knew she'd be safe.

I started to make my way down to Harry and Neville. Curses were flying right, left, and center. It took my all my agility and best spellwork to fend my way down the steps. The Death Eaters were fighting to kill as were members of the order. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mad-Eye on the ground. Dolohov managed to subdue Moody and was making his way toward Harry. I couldn't leave my duel with Rodolphus to go to his aide. Sirius made it to Harry just in time to rescue Harry from Dolohov.

Moments later I saw a familiar shade of pink flying through the air. Tonks was on the ground near the dais. My heart stopped but I kept fighting. Rabastan joined his brother in the duel against me. My eyes flicked up to where Tonks had been fighting and saw Bellatrix running down the stairs with an evil glint in her eyes. Sirius started to shoot curses at Bellatrix. They circled the archway on the dais. Both hurling curses and insults back and forth with a deep-seated hatred.

I saw Malfoy's blonde head rush past me toward Harry. With two people down and the other two entrenched in duels, I had to go to Harry and Neville. With a well-placed stinging hex and an impediment jinx, I was able to leave the Lestrange brothers. I jumped between Malfoy and his prey. The protection charm I put up gave me enough time to tell Harry to leave. He took Neville and slowly made his way up toward a room to the side. I assumed that's where the other students were.

Malfoy got my attention again as a jet of red light flew past my ear. We only faced-off for a few minutes before Malfoy's eyes widened in fear and another Death Eater shouted that Dumbledore was there. The only Death Eater who was either unaware or unconcerned with this information was Bellatrix. She and Sirius continued their duel until…

Harry ran past me, hitting me in the shoulder, apparently unaware of his surroundings. My eyes followed his path and saw Sirius being hit in the chest with a curse. Not the killing curse – but what should have been relief turned to horror as I watched my best mate slowly fall into the veil. A part of my life was over. Gone were the days of Padfoot and Moony – the two canines from our group of Marauders.

Harry's jarring yell for Sirius brought me back the moment. My eyes darted from left to right. I caught another glimpse of Tonks on the ground, unconscious. I looked towards Harry who was trying to reach for the deadly veil. I lunged towards Harry, grabbing him around the chest. Restraining Harry was difficult. I tried to tell him that Sirius was gone. Harry struggled until something of the truth resonated with him.

I relaxed my grip on Harry as he calmed down. The hallow feeling that was engulfing me must have started in on him. Neville was trying to talk to Harry but was struggling to keep steady. I lifted the jinx from Neville to his apparent relief. With an effort I turned my attention to the other students… Ron, Hermione, and others. I swept the room for signs of other students and saw Tonks, still on the floor. Moody was attempting to revive her. My heart sank lower.

Neville was trying to tell me where the others were when a bang caught my attention. Bellatrix was on her way out of the room. Harry ran after her before I could tighten my grip on him. My yells after Harry were not heeded. He was after revenge. Dumbledore looked to Kingsley and I saying "Kingsley, take care of Alastor and Nymphadora. Remus, find the other students."

It was against my every desire to leave the room where Tonks was hurt and in need. I exchanged glances with Kingsley in which I saw that he understood my concern for her. "Neville, please take me to the others." I said turning toward the door he had indicated previously. Retrieving the four students from their place of safety was a perfunctory task. I cared about my former students but I needed to see that Tonks would be well.

"He chased after Bellatrix Lestrange." Neville told Ginny, Ron, and Luna. Hermione was unconscious and on a stretcher I conjured. "Don't worry, Dumbledore followed after Harry. He'll be okay." I was glad that Neville was conversing with the others. I didn't think I could contemplate Harry's wellbeing while grief for Sirius was slowly drowning me.

Ginny asked how everyone else was. It seemed that my presence alerted her to a larger group from the Order coming to the Ministry. I took in a deep breath as we made our way to the room where the Death Eaters were bound. "Moody was hurt but he's moving around. Tonks… she was hurt too. I don't know how she is now." I closed my eyes, trying to steady my voice. "Sirius is dead." I heard a sniffle from Ginny.

We made it back to where Kingsley and Mad-Eye were keeping an eye on Tonks. She was drifting in and out of consciousness. Kingsley took over leading the students out of danger. I heard him greet someone at the door. I knelt next to Tonks' stretcher taking her hand in mine. I didn't take my eyes off Nymphadora until Moody nudged me. Dawlish and another Auror were surveying the room; a sneer was clearly visible when he looked at me so close to Tonks.

The Mediwizards were soon on the scene and insisted we all go to St. Mungo's. Tonks was awake enough to object but not coherent enough to gain credibility to her claim of being well enough to take care of herself. "I should let her parents know." I said to the healer and Moody. Neither of them objected so I apparated to Ted and Andromoda's house.

I didn't know if it was the hour or my appearance that alerted Ted to dire circumstance. His first words to me were "What has happened to 'Dora?" He let me in and called for his wife. Tonks' parents patiently listed to my explanation that Tonks was injured, her involvement with the Order, and Sirius' death. I should have cleared sharing all of this with Dumbledore but it seemed superfluous to invent a lie when the truth was bound to come out soon. When we got to Tonks' room at the hospital, Moody was sitting in the corner with his wand out.

"They have her sleeping for the time being. She needs rest." Moody's gruff voice didn't hide the concern it carried. "I'll leave you with her." Andromeda thanked the old Auror before taking a chair next to Tonks' bed. I excused myself and left with Moody.

"Do they think she'll recover?" I couldn't bear to wait for a Healer to come assuage my fear. Unfortunately Moody hadn't gotten a firm answer from the Healers who stopped by to check on her. "It's a good sign they're not hovering over her." I had to create hope for myself. "Thank you for staying with her."

"Someone had to, Lupin." Accusation rang with these words. "You had better stay with her this time." Without further ado, Moody stumped past me and left. I felt numb, overwhelmed, and unsure of myself. I couldn't process more for the time being.

I spent as much time as I could over the next few days with Tonks. She was back to her bright and cheery self. Nymphadora tried to comfort me and I tried not to block her out. Classically, what I was going through could be called survivor's guilt. It wasn't just guilt that my friend died before me but that happiness in my life had caused him turmoil before his death. Tonks' words about not limiting my life based on what others are able to experience. Logically it made sense but I couldn't, just couldn't bear to have all the joy Tonks could offer. I needed time to see if my grief driven relationship guilt would subside.

Dumbledore requested a meeting with me to discuss a unique opportunity to assist the Order. I arrived at Hogwarts and made my way to the Headmaster's office. "Good afternoon, Remus. Please sit down." I took the seat across from my mentor and former colleague. "How are you feeling?"

Suddenly I felt as if I were 15 again. Dumbledore checking up on me after a particularly hard transformation where Sirius tried tricking Snape into meeting the wolf instead of the boy. I felt the sting of tears. Sirius was everywhere and nowhere. "It's been a daily struggle." I felt no need to hide my grief from Dumbledore. "Sirius and I became closer in the last year than we had been since our time at Hogwarts." I felt more tears than I wanted to shed but they would not stop. "I thought I'd been taking care of him since he escaped but Sirius was the one taking care of me. He brought me back to people when I had isolated myself for years. He encouraged me to love –" My voice broke. "Now it's all gone."

There were a few moments silence while my breathing evened out. "The man is gone but you will always feel the impact of Sirius on your life." I nodded. "I asked you here today, not just to check on you after Sirius' death, but to see if you'll take an assignment for the Order." I opened my mouth to agree but Dumbledore raised his hand to stay my comment. "Before you agree, let me explain the requirements." Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Fenrir Greyback is recruiting werewolves to rally around Voldemort and his followers. I feel it would be prudent to have a person on the inside."

I didn't have a response right away. Fenrir was the werewolf who bit me as a child. I truly hated the, for lack of another word, man. "I can understand this would be a trying assignment. I cannot overemphasize the danger you will be in. Not only will your affiliation with the Order of the Phoenix cause a great deal of mistrust, but your status as a fully qualified wizard will put you at odds with most of the population he's recruited. Many, if not most, of whom have eschewed all forms of magic as they are not welcomed by the wizarding world.

"I am confident that you can maneuver the social complexities of the werewolf enclave. I fear that the hardest thing I must ask is that you minimize contact with wizards. I understand that your relationship with Nymphadora could make distance a problem. I will therefore not –"

"I'll do it." I said cutting Dumbledore off. I had my practical and duty-based reason to live my penance for daring to be happy. I knew Dumbledore wouldn't approve of me using his assignment as my gateway for running away from love. "The Order needs me and I should be where I can provide the most use."

The piercing gaze Dumbledore gave me seemed to catch the hidden truth but he did not pursue it. "If that is your choice… I'll be in touch later this summer regarding a timeline and story for your arrival. Please, Remus, don't hide yourself from people who love you."

I left Hogwarts and went back to Tonks' flat. We'd been staying there since Sirius' death. Nothing could compel me to try residing in Grimmauld Place. We spent most of our time in quiet contemplation. Rather I was quiet and Tonks followed my lead. If I were to follow my heart I would get on one knee and beg Tonks to marry me. However, I had to follow my conscience which was yelling at me to leave.

After dinner one night I broke the long silence at last. "I've been given new assignment from Dumbledore." Tonks' face lit up; she looked thrilled that I initiated a conversation. "I'll be living with a group of werewolves led by Fenrir Greyback." I could see the worry in Tonks' eyes. "It's best if we stop seeing each other." I wasn't making eye-contact at this point. Looking into Nymphadora's heart-shaped face would break my resolve. "It's a dangerous assignment."

I braved looking at Tonks'. Her jaw was set and she had a stubborn look about her. "I do love you. We can't keep this up – at all. No more sleeping together, no more full moon visits. I'm going to be half the country away and I can't expect you to wait around for me." Tonks open and closed her mouth but words were eluding her. "I should go." I said quietly.

"I don't want to end us." Tonks finally got out. "You could be gone for years and halfway across the world and I'd wait for you." I walked toward the door picking up my rucksack. On a whim, I took out my stuffed rabbit and left it for Tonks. Before I could grab the door, I felt Tonks embrace me tightly. "This isn't over." The words were muffled but resolute.

"It is, Tonks. I am too old, too poor, and much too dangerous for you." I stepped back from her looking into her brown eyes. Deciding that it did neither of us good for me to linger, I kissed Tonks softly on the forehead and left.

Once back in my own place, I realized that the ring I had foolishly bought Tonks was still at her flat. I decided to let it stay there; I didn't think she'd get to cleaning out the box I stashed it in any time soon. It had been weeks since Tonks was last at my house but it still smelled as if she were just in the next room. I avoided people for a few days. I wanted to be alone in my misery. Everything in my life was silver and cold.

Duty called me to the Burrow less than a week after I crushed my own heart. I needed to check in with the others and pick up instructions from Dumbledore. The kitchen was full that morning. Most of the Weasleys were there as well as Kingsley and Tonks. Kingsley greeted me coldly when I walked in. I tried to say good morning but I barely managed a smile. The shade of Tonks' hair was the exact color as mine: brown with streaks of grey. Tonks did not look up for her cup of tea. I felt unnerved by her presence.

"Oh Remus, how nice to see you." Molly said from the sink. She was bustling through the dishes left from the meal that just concluded. "Can I get you a plate of breakfast?" I accepted the offer gratefully. I said hellos to the others in the room. Hermione was visiting, most likely for the summer. Harry wasn't there with the others.

"Is Harry here?" I asked after accepting a warm plate of eggs and bacon from Molly. I hadn't fed myself much since leaving Tonks' flat.

"Dumbledore is picking Harry up night after next." Molly sat with her own plate of food. "He's going to check that Sirius' house has passed to Harry."

Tonks stood up suddenly. "I'm sorry, Molly, I have to leave." Tonks was out the door before anyone could respond. Many around the table looked quite dumfounded at her sudden departure. Molly and Kingsley each gave me an accusatory look.

I got up to follow Tonks. "Let me talk to her." I said leaving the room behind me. I had to jog to catch up with Tonks. She stopped walking as I approached. "I'm sorry." I said quickly. Tonks turned to look at me; her face was streaked with tears. "I didn't expect you'd be here. We're going to see each other for the Order." I put a hand on her shoulder in a friendly gesture of comfort.

"Keep your hand to yourself, Lupin, or you won't have balls to lick on the full moon." I raised my hand back as if she had burnt it with her words. "I can't see you in public and pretend it doesn't matter." Without further ado, Tonks marched outside the protective perimeter of the Burrow and disapparated. I returned to the kitchen where I knew an explanation would be asked of me.

Ginny asked if Tonks would be okay. "I can only hope." Molly pursed her lips. "I tried to talk to her but she's not ready to hear me out." I finished my plate of food in silence. Before I left with my note from Dumbledore, Molly invited me over for dinner that weekend. I accepted the invitation feeling thankful for a chance to see people. It was clear to me that, while Molly disapproved of my actions with Tonks, she kept our lines of friendship open. That was a warming though.

I was days from the full moon and I could feel its pull on me. In previous months I had my friends to help me focus on the man instead of the wolf. I yearned for Tonks and needed to blow off steam with Sirius. Neither were options for me this month. I turned to a bottle of firewhiskey instead. Drinking alone did not bother me; I was no novice to throwing back drinks in my quiet dining room. I could not bear to be surrounded by Tonks' scent at this time of the month. I went to the Leaky Cauldron instead.

The bar was sparsely populated. Tom was at the bar with a vague look of boredom on his face. I ordered and found a seat near the back of the bar. I wasn't in a mood for socialization. I tried not to listen as Tom and another patron talked in carrying whispers about Florean Fortescue and Olivander going missing. I was on the verge of joining their discussion when a familiar voice asked "May I join you?" I turned around to see Farah, a woman I dated in my twenties. It was the wolf in me who welcomed her presence.

"Please, sit down." It didn't take pre-cycle instincts to know what Farah wanted from me. I asked how she's been since I last saw her, which was the day she broke up with me but I left that out. It took the better part of two drinks for Farah to catch me up on her life. She was a recent divorcee and moved back to London to teach at a muggle university. When the conversation got around to my life I downed the remainder of my firewhiskey and raised my eyebrows. "There's not much to say. I've been here and there."

I wasn't sure who suggested going back to my place but we ended up there after a short while. My conscious was mildly reminding me that I loved someone else; the wolf wanted to forget her. It was in the midst of forgetting myself with Farah when I heard the sound of something breaking. I was putting on trousers and at the door before Farah could ask what I was doing. I had to check who else was in the house.

The broken vase and ajar door led me outside where I saw Tonks hurrying away. I hesitated for a moment then decided to run after her. I was beside myself that Tonks of all people dropped by tonight. I seized onto Tonks' arm, she wasn't slowing down.

"What do you want, Lupin?" I had the gall to look stung by her words.

"I- you were in my house." I reminded her with a touch of coolness.

Tonks went into a fury. Everything about me upset her that night. Catching me in bed with another woman, my claim that I was too dangerous for her (but not others), and seeing me with someone else so soon after leaving her – it was all too much. I didn't have a defense. Merlin, I didn't even have an apology. Tonks stormed away from me and disapparated. I wanted to call out to her; I wanted to say I was sorry. Instead I trudged inside and told the woman in my bed that I needed to be alone.


	14. A Lack of Color

A hangover and a howler woke me up the next morning. I couldn't recall why I deserved either for a few moments. It was the howler from Molly that put the previous night into sharp relief. Phrases like "needless heartache" and "foolish clumsiness" were ringing in my ears. Molly finished her howler with a kind reminder about dinner on Saturday. At least I knew I was still welcome. I stayed in bed through the day and into my transformation that night. I was glad to be rid of my human thoughts for the night. For the first time in my life being the wolf was a reprieve from my troubles rather than the cause of them.

Once the wolf had passed for the month, I knew I had to face the world again. I got word from Dumbledore that I could pick up my possessions from Grimmauld Place. I knew I left a few sets of robes there as well as other personal effects. On my way out the door, I noticed a folder with my name on it. There were a handful of pictures of me in there. Some were of Sirius and me from our youth and others were with Tonks. I wondered if it was these photos that brought Tonks by to see me.

Arriving at Grimmauld Place brought an uneasy feeling to my stomach. It was hard to go somewhere I exclusively associated with Sirius (and Tonks but I was trying to push her from my mind). I took a walk through the house just to convince the small but persistent voice in my head that Sirius wasn't hiding out in his house. The kitchen was empty, not even a fire lit in the hearth. The sitting room where Sirius and I often read or idly chatted looked as if Sirius had just vacated his seat – there was still an indent where he usually sat. I ventured up the creaking stairs and headed to the room I occupied for over a year. That part of the house was _not_ empty.

Tonks was sitting on the bed we shared crying quietly. I thought about backing out slowly but the floorboard creaked beneath me. Upon seeing me, Tonks stood up abruptly, tripped magnificently, and fell into my arms. It was comforting to feel her in my embrace again. I knew I had to apologize for the other night, for everything. "Nymphadora…" I breathed quietly.

A scowl twisted Tonks' face. She tore out of my arms. "It's Tonks, thank you." I cringed at her tone. I wasn't looking for a row but one had found me.

"Please, let me explain. It wasn't –" I stopped at the tears that were brimming in Tonks' eyes.

"It wasn't what? Meaningful? Important? You don't have to explain yourself to me, Lupin." I hated hearing my surname on her lips; it felt so distant when those lips had once been so close to me. "I get it, you moved on faster than I did." Now I could feel tears stinging my eyes. Tonks left me in the room where I had loved her so many times. She glanced back at me from the stairs, her face was unreadable. I thought I saw the same regret that I was feeling.

Visiting the Burrow became a frequent event in my life. Molly and others who knew of my relationship with Tonks kept their reproaches to disapproving looks when Tonks was mentioned. I was thankful for the distance and privacy they offered. I was weary of people trying to push me back into a relationship I deemed unwise. I regretted my decision but it was mind to make; I did not use popular opinion to steer my love life.

It was with slight trepidation that I accepted Kingsley's invitation to go on a mission together. He said he needed a spare set of eyes to watch over the muggle Minister. It sounded like code for "I want to talk to you privately".

We met at a café in the heart of London. It was across the street from the Minister's favorite restaurant. "What do you need me to keep an eye out for?" I asked feeling skeptical that I had a real purpose at this little coffee shop. Kingsley asked for me to keep look for known Death Eaters, muggles acting suspiciously, and weather anomalies. It felt like a snipe hunt.

Both of us ordered a coffee and a pastry. I looked around the café taking in my surroundings. "Is this what you do every night?" I decided that casual conversation was better than a long silence.

Grinning slightly, Kingsley shook his head. "Most nights I just follow the minister home. Tonight he had a dinner that couldn't be avoided." Kingsley looked comfortable in his own skin. He didn't seem like a guy who was easily made to feel uncomfortable. He had a suaveness about him that seemed unshakeable "Your time with Fenrir's group is starting soon." I nodded. "You'll be a double agent. Do you think you can do it?"

Kingsley raised an eyebrow. I could tell he was trying to get a conversation flowing. I thought a friendly conversation would lead to a man to man discussion about Tonks. To thwart the conversation, I answered curtly. "I've always been a double agent. A wizard hiding his dark werewolf side. Now I'll be a werewolf hiding magical prowess." My words hit the boundary of Kingsley's suave demeanor.

We sat in silence until Kingsley cleared his throat. "You seem down lately." I shrugged, still avoiding the male bonding being pushed on me. "You're not the only person who seems down." I could see that this conversation was inevitable. That didn't mean I had to help it along. "What's so strange is, I've known Tonks since she got out of Hogwarts. She's dated and broken up with plenty of blokes. None of them mattered before." I had run myself through guilt so much that his words were just drops in the cauldron. "I'm afraid she's list her spark."

I took the bait and joined the conversation. "What do you mean?"

"She's not confident like she once was. The Tonks I met a few years ago would easily bounce back from the end of a romantic relationship. I don't think she's ever lost a friend before like she lost you." Kingsley focused on the restaurant where the minister dined.

"She's never ended a relationship before?" I always ended relationships when I ended a romantic involvement. I didn't know how to be friends with someone I had loved.

"It's not in her to cut people off. Tonks makes friends like doxy bites." Kingsley ate a piece of his éclair and stared out the window for a few moments. "It's her birthday in a few weeks." I sat up in my chair slightly, feeling the need to protest being forced into a romantic act. "You don't have to get down on one knee, Remus. Just, try being friendly. Give her a card." When I didn't respond Kingsley added, "a _friend_ly card. It will give her something pleasant to go on while she's stationed in Hogsmeade."

I was contemplating the birthday card suggestion. It couldn't hurt. Maybe it would stop the arguments and tears that occurred whenever we met. I was close to consenting to the card when I noticed a muggle outside. "Kingsley, that bloke has been standing outside that restaurant for at least 10 minutes." Kingsley turned to look at the person I pointed out. "No umbrella, no jacket, and it's pouring out." Normally this wouldn't strike me as odd but we were in a nicer neighborhood where people were generally well-dressed. "See how he's peering into the window?"

That was enough for Kingsley. We both headed to the door and crossed the street. A car honked at us for running through traffic. The loud noise did not perturb the muggle we were approaching. "Excuse me, sir?" Kingsley said putting a hand on the man's shoulder. The man tried to seize Kingsley by the throat. Kingsley subdued the man easily. I kept my eyes toward the passing crowd, none of whom found us worth noticing. "Let's take him to St. Mungos. They'll need an entire muggle ward soon." Once we got the man off to St. Mungos, Kingsley and I went our separate ways.

I wasn't able to shake Kingsley's encouragement to at least be a friend to Tonks. I could rationale being a friend without endangering her life. I wrote a carefully friendly card to wish Tonks a happy birthday and safe time in Hogsmeade. Then my quill got away from me and I signed it "With love, Remus". I agonized on whether to change that but decided it would not cause harm to leave a card with love.

The light was off in Tonks' apartment. I hoped that meant she wasn't there. She had some security on her flat but I guessed she didn't change it. I stood outside her door debating on whether to leave the card on her door or inside where she'd find it. Feeling brave, I opened the door and stepped inside. There were boxes stacked throughout the apartment. Some were marked with "stay" and others with "go". I couldn't decide where to leave the card so I left it on the small end table next to the door. She often put important items there. I left quickly as I was unsure of Tonks' schedule.

With a few weeks left until my assignment started, I began cleaning out my house and deciding what would be necessary to have with me. I thought to pack light. Dumbledore described the living conditions akin to those of a homeless person. For most of the month I would appear to be in a group of vagrant men. Possessions would be scarce and what people had they were expected to share. I couldn't take anything I didn't mind others using or even taking.

My rucksack was the best bag to bring with me; it was old and tattered which fit the fashion for werewolf communities. As my pile of items to bring grew, it became necessary to add an undetectable expansion charm on the bag. Having a large space to keep items made it easier to justify bringing books and a journal. There were a few photos I wanted to stash away from prying eyes. Werewolves were supposed to be unattached.

Dumbledore and Kingsley arranged to see me before I left. I wasn't sure why they were both seeing me but I didn't mind the company. I always get anxious before guests come over. I baked cookies and had my teapot ready. I heard a soft knock at the door while I was cleaning up after baking pumpkin pasties. By my clock they were more than an hour early. I opened the door cautiously. I had my wand in a hand concealed behind the door.

Tonks was at my door with her brown hair and sad demeanor. With a touch of apprehension, I stepped aside and let her in. "I wanted to say goodbye before you left." Tonks was holding a small package. I offered Tonks some tea but she declined. "I got you this." Tonks thrust the package she was holding into my hand.

I carefully opened it. A pair of fingerless gloves plopped out and a bag of marshmallows. A surge of emotion rushed through me. I fumbled to say words of thanks. "I… this is… Thank you, Tonks." I stopped trying to articulate; I could feel the romantic in me stirring.

Silence fell between us for a moments that stretched into minutes. "I should go; I still have to pack." Tonks turned toward the door. I reached out for her. I wanted Tonks to stay with me but that was the very thing I told myself not to want.

"You'll always be special to me." I had to say something to keep her there for just a few more moments.

A sad smile played on Tonks' face. "You'll always be the love of my life." I could see tears start to gather in her eyelashes. "I'll see you around, Remus." I realized then it was farcical for me to pretend I didn't love Tonks. I could hide it for her safety and lie to others about it but I'd always be in love with Tonks.

In a matter of moments, or hours, I couldn't tell, Dumbledore and Kingsley were at my door. It turned out that Kingsley was to be my contact in the Order while I was under the radar. He would meet me at rotating locations bringing news and wolfsbane potion when I needed it. "You must gain Fenrir's trust. You must also work to win others to our side. Fenrir will tell them that wizards have forsaken werewolves. It will be too dangerous for you to overtly speak against his ideology. You must get people to trust you and work on them individually." Dumbledore looked confident in my ability to straddle the arena of werewolf and Order member. Kingsley and I made our first rendezvous date and time. We were to meet irregularly and in various locations.

Before leaving, Dumbledore told us to trust Harry. It felt ominous to hear Dumbledore passing the trust mantle to someone else, even Harry. I was to leave the next evening and find Fenrir's group. There was a rally to recruit new members. I had my lies to protect me and my truths to hide.


	15. More Adventurous

With my rucksack, wand, and a bag of marshmallows, I set out for Leeds. The information Dumbledore had indicated there would be a small gathering in an abandoned factory outside Leeds. It sounded as if there would be other werewolves going to hear Fenrir's message. I was prepared to feign my departure from the Order, break my magical ties, and do whatever it took to earn the trust of a pack of murderers. There was an industrial, heavy smell to the air when I arrived in the designated area. I soon found the old factory where I would try my skill at double agent.

There was a small group of men already there. I only got the slightest of glances from any of them. "We'll start in about 5 minutes." one of them said. I nodded and walked closer to the group trying to portray more confidence than I felt. Fenrir wasn't there yet. Part of me felt relief at his absence. "What's your name?"

"Lupin." I left it at that. A first name exchange was too civilized for this lot.

A voice from the door called out to me. "Lupin? Remus Lupin?" I didn't need to turn around to know it was _him_. "I haven't smelled you in years." Fenrir chuckled. "Still a scared little boy?" I turned to face the werewolf who took my childhood. He slowly approached me with his fingers flexing menacingly. "No, I guess you're a man now." The tall, beastly man was almost nose to nose with me, his foul breath was invading my senses. "I see your old man doesn't think all werewolves are soulless, evil, and deserving death."*

It seemed like my cue to speak. "No, not all of them." I risked a look that was meant to indicate some of the werewolves present may fit that description. Fenrir leered at the subtle accusation.

"You smell of fear." Fenrir was breathing in deep. "You carry the stench of shame." Almost close enough to nuzzle me like a cuddly pet, Fenrir licked my neck then spat "_Love_. It's all over you" Backing a half step back, Fenrir finally asked the question I knew was coming. "Are you done being Dumbledore's pet wolf?"

I had to let go of my careful meekness and push the wolf toward the surface or I'd soon have my throat ripped out. "I've never been anyone's pet, Greyback. I'm my own… person."

"We'll see," Fenrir said in a low voice stepping back and looking at the crowd who was watching our interaction with interest. "All of you here, you came to hear what I have to offer?" There was a murmur around the crowd. I stepped back into the crowd to avoid being in Fenrir's line of sight. "You've all been forsaken, beaten down, and oppressed. I can give you the chance to seize the life you all deserve. One with respect! Dignity! The right to live in decent areas!" The crowd made sounds of agreement. "Work with me and we can create a world where we do not hide and we are not second rate."

The words described what any man would want, with or without the burden of being a wolf. Fenrir's oration did not go over the finer details of how his objectives would come to fruition. Like many politicians he was peddling the result but not the means.

"What I need from you is loyalty, dedication." There were nods around the room of people who looked they would give anything to see Fenrir's promises realized. "Anyone not interested can leave now." A few people rustled but no one left. "Good. Here are the rules. We share everything. Food, shelter, magic." With the last word Fenrir looked at me for a moment. "You do what I say when I say it. If you can't live with that then you're welcome to die."

That night I was led to an area that looked like a shanty. I realized it would be my home for the foreseeable future and a feeling of dread seeped into me. I had a home, a house even. Why did I agree to live like this? The night was cold and supplies were low. I conjured bluebell flames for heat. Then, remembering Fenrir's rules, conjured some for those around me. "Looks like you're useful already, Lupin," Fenrir growled from his nearby cot.

I was unable to sleep for most of the night. I could see the stars through my makeshift roof. They were bright and optimistic unlike my present situation. The alley we were set up in was quiet throughout the night. Our occupation of the area drove out the usual vermin that would wander through a dark street at night. Animals seemed to sense the danger we posed and humans usually avoided areas where the homeless slept in groups.

The next day we were split into groups and sent out to acquire provisions. My team was looking for bits of material that could be useful including old furniture, clothes, or whatever we thought would add value to our collection of goods. Smith and Cooper were with me. I had a feeling they were sent to keep an eye on me as well as look for provisions. Smith, a rather barrel-chested man, suggested we split up. I walked through the neighborhood with my eye out for items we could use. Unfortunately, I couldn't carry one of the homes back in my pocket. A short ways from where we were camped out, there was a neighborhood full of small, happy looking homes.

My supply hunting came to a halt when I noticed a playground. I set down the few items I found so far and looked at it feeling my stomach tighten. There were children playing and laughing with their parents looking on. I glanced over my shoulder toward our werewolf shanty seeing that it was maybe 6 blocks away. Despite knowing I was likely being watched and that it went against my mission, I cast a protection spell on the park. The barbaric irony of settling his following so close to a young and vulnerable population was not a reality I could live with. It was painful to remember being bitten in a similar playground where I had often played in the sun as these children were doing. It gave me comfort to protect the park and its inhabitants as I couldn't change where the werewolves stayed.

With a deep chuckle, Fenrir said, "Shielding their innocence?" The grotesque man came up beside me, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. "Trying to prevent me from getting more young recruits?"

"Hardly," I replied coolly. "It's not very sporting to get them when they're just sitting there. Where's the hunt?" I felt disgusted at the words I was saying. Thankfully, Fenrir laughed, slapping my shoulder and turned to go. "Did you want something, Greyback?" I asked as if I did not suspect being watched.

"Checking up on the newest recruit." Fenrir paused before walking on. "Looks like you'll shape up to be a good addition." I was left to finish my scavenging.

Smith, Cooper, and I met up that afternoon to compile our findings. "Found a fair bit of clothing. That should help when _she_ comes around," Cooper said flicking his bald head up towards the sky. It was common for werewolves to refer to the moon as a woman. I knew this mainly from academic text as I had not socialized amongst other werewolves for most of my life.

"I found some blankets, books, and more clothing." I looked at my peers who had dubious expressions. "The books were about growing plant life and urban homesteading."

Smith had an eyebrow raised and let a few moments silence pass before talking through his findings. "Got me some shoes, soap, and, uh, I found a couch but couldn't carry it alone. I drug it though. There," Smith said pointing a few streets over. We carried the couch back to our area with the rest of our findings piled on top. It had a musky smell but was otherwise unaffected by its time in the elements. Our height difference made the journey uncomfortable. Cooper was short and set the level at which we all had to carry the heavy sofa.

That night we all ate a hefty meal of stew and bread. Others had been sent out for food and were very successful. Everyone got more than enough to eat and we all had a warm spot next to the fire. The conversation centered on people sharing slights that they felt from the magical world. The bloke to my right, McMann, was fired from his job at Flourish and Blotts after being attacked.

"I'm still the same man, just stronger and," McMann hesitated for a moment, "a bit dangerous once a month." The others gave sounds of rowdy approval at these words. Expectant eyes turned to me as McMann finished, waiting to hear my grievance against my fellow wizards.

Where I thought I'd need lies to tell a convincing tale, the truth worked rather well. "I've worked my entire life to gain acceptance, help others, and have a normal life." I paused and drew a deep breath to steady my mind. The memories flooding my mind were beginning to highlight the draw of turning against wizards. Once again in my life I had to hate part of myself to accept the other. "Despite years of loyalty to those I was close to, I've been painted always as a risk, a traitor." I was dredging up feelings of bitterness from the first war. All of the mistrust stung deep as these were wounds that had never healed, they were only buried.

"Why did you try so hard to be their pet, Lupin?" Cooper asked from across the bluebell fire we were using for heat.

I couldn't keep the growl from my voice as I replied, "I was _never_ a pet." I eased off the terse tone as I continued, "They were all I had, all I was raised to believe in. I didn't have an alternative until…" I drew a shaky breath. "Until recently." Fenrir wore a thoughtful look as if trying to decipher my words as either fact or fiction. I was thankful that Smith, who was sitting on my other side, started on his tirade against the wizarding world.

I spent another night staring at the stars instead of sleeping soundly as my close neighbors were. My thoughts were churning through the words I said to my fellows. _How much of me truly believed what I said? _My mind wandered to Sirius who had distrusted me when Voldemort was hunting our friends. To Farah who left because she could not love the wolf in me. Then to Molly who was uneasy around me close to the full moon. Finally, to Tonks. She was the one person who did not mistrust the wolf. In fact, she loved the man and the wolf. With that thought haunting me, I drifted into an uneasy sleep.

I was scheduled to meet Kingsley three weeks into my stint. He was to bring me wolfsbane potion and we were to exchange information for the Order. I garnered enough trust amongst the other werewolves to disappear for an hour without comment from the others. Kingsley and I met in a pub a good distance from the area I had been scavenging in. We ordered beers and chips before finding seats away from the barkeep.

"Eat some food, Remus," Kingsley said pushing a plate of chips toward me. "You look half-starved. Are you getting enough to eat?"

I took the plate and took a few chips. "Is that you, Molly?" I said with a smirk. "I've been eating rather well. I always look ill before the full moon."

"Speaking of which," Kingsley passed me a flagon, "this is for you." I took the potion and tucked it in my rucksack with a word of thanks. "Harry got to school okay even with a slight issue with him getting off the train. Tonks reported that the Malfoy kid attacked him."

Thankful for the insertion of Tonks into my news from the world I nodded. "Any word as to why he was attacked?" Kingsley shook his head. "Any other important news?" I wondered if the story about Harry was only being shared because of Tonks' involvement.

"A few more deaths on our side. No one in the Order though. The Ministry is struggling to find out where death eaters have infiltrated and who is being controlled by Voldemort. We're not making great progress on this front." Kingsley look a long draw from his beer stein and made a face. "I don't think muggles have perfected this brew. How was your mission been?"

I glanced around the pub, just to make sure there weren't people hidden out of view but the lunch crowd had already cleared and we were quite alone. "Overall, very well. I've been gaining trust but haven't built enough to talk to anyone about Dumbledore." I took a draw of beer but managed to keep a straight face – I definitely preferred wizarding drinks. "This definitely isn't pumpkin juice." Kingsley chuckled and raised his glass. "Greyback has a quite brilliant recruitment plan. He's using discrimination against werewolves as his rallying cry. So far he hasn't come out and said he's being supported by Voldemort. He's drawn the line between us and wizards."

Kingsley cleared his throat, "us and wizards?" he asked raising an eyebrow. It was a slip of my tongue but it revealed how much I was identifying with the core of Greyback's arguments.

"You know what I mean," I said hastily. I felt aggravated because Kingsley managed to find the singular most challenging aspect of my assignment. "I'm sorry. It's stressful to be in two minds. The other werewolves can tell when I waiver and it's a risk each time."

Kingsley took a few moments to mull this over. "I can understand the challenge with this assignment, but, Remus, _you_ are one of us. Not them. You have the same condition but you are invaluable to wizards, not to mention the Order." I nodded but couldn't think of a response. Kingsley's words managed to center me and remind me that I wasn't just a wolf and that, despite the authentic diatribe I had been communicating for almost a month, I did belong with my fellow wizards.

The days up to the full moon were difficult. I usually tried to control the wolf taking over my mind. In the company I was keeping, the wolf was expected and welcomed. I felt a new sense of brotherhood with my fellow werewolves - all of us suffered because of the moon and through our pain came unification. I held onto the one person who could anchor my thoughts to my humanity, Tonks. She stopped my mind from running rampant and becoming savage as others were doing around me.

Fenrir seemed to detect a rise in tension amongst so many wolves being called into dominance. He had us all disperse for a few days around the full moon. I found a small utility room to transform in. While I was harmless, I still sought out isolation. I lacked the control that month to stop myself from being dangerous to others. I snacked on marshmallows leftover from Tonks' going away gift and waited for the moon to destroy my body.

I howled louder that night than I could recall doing since being on wolfsbane. I focused on Tonks and my love for her but the wolf still tried to take me. It was an emotionally tormenting transformation because I could not separate being happy with Nymphadora from the heartache I caused for the two of us. Waking up the next morning I was left with a feeling of loss and longing.

"She was hard on you this month," McMann stated after seeing me return to our living area. I nodded and lowered myself to the ground, using a wall for a backrest. "Have some tea," he offered. McMann looked worse for wear as well.

I was taken aback by the concern McMann showed. "How was this month for you?" I asked taking a cup of tea. McMann shrugged and said it was the same as usual – full of pain and rage. I finally felt I had someone I could discuss Dumbledore's perspective on werewolf equality. "How long have you been transforming?" Greyback got tetchy when we used victimizing words to describe becoming a werewolf. He preferred we talk about it as either a gift or a neutral event in our lives.

"Ten years or so. I was just out of school. My girl at the time left me as soon as she found out. I got one visit at St. Mungo's and a note on the kitchen table when I got home." McMann had a steely look in his eyes. "She still haunts me when I transform, the stupid bint. What about you, Remus?" I took in McMann's face for a moment – he had laugh lines around his cracked lips and slightly wavy hair. He seemed like someone who was very upbeat and carefree before he was afflicted with his condition.

I smiled dryly. "Your old girl doesn't haunt me when I transform." McMann laughed and pushed my shoulder good-naturedly. "I've been a werewolf since I was a child. Fenrir… well, he and I go back." I could see that this was news to McMann. Others started to return to our encampment which ended our more personal exchange. Most of us were exhausted and spent the next day idle and slowly recuperating.

A few weeks later, a newcomer was introduced to our collection of lost men. "This son of a bludger is called Whitmore," Fenrir smirked before continuing, "John Thomas Whitmore." To my surprise, I knew this man though not very well. He had been bitten around the same time Arthur Weasley was in St. Mungo's after the snake attack. I recalled with clarity the trip where I met the man who was in despair and when Moody gave me a cryptic message about treating Tonks right. The sound of my name brought me back to the present. "It seems he knows you, Lupin. Claims he met you right after he became one of us."

I nodded and said, "Met Whitmore while I was visiting a… someone in St. Mungo's." I stood up to shake Whitmore's hand. "Great seeing you here." I wondered if he remembered my words of encouragement from the previous year. If he did, they must have seemed completely hallow now that I was in league with a group of wizard-shunning werewolves.

The next day I was to show Whitmore the ropes. Our duty was to panhandle for change which gave us plenty of time to talk. I thought it was a sign of trust that I was given a guiding role with a new person. Fenrir's trust would go a ways with the rest of the group.

After a preliminary rundown of our task and what others were assigned to do, I started on small talk. "How have you been since I saw you at St. Mungo's?" Whitmore told me his tale of slowly being alienated from his previous life. Parents, wife, and friends slowly abandoned him while he struggled with the wolf.

His tone turning bitter, Whitmore turned to me with a touch of accusation behind his stormy eyes. "I thought you said I could have a normal life and that it was possible to love, to be loved." I could see that my advice was taken as a betrayal. "What happened to the love you claimed to have? Why are _you_ here? You were an advocate for the werewolf living as a wizard."

"I didn't expect that I'd end up here," I admitted quite honestly. "My life, well, love, look many unexpected turns." I wasn't sure how open to be with Whitmore. The man I met the previous Christmas warranted my honest but I had to be cautious before opening up with the man in front of me.

"She leave you?" Whitmore asked kicking a nearby rock. "I saw her there. Pink hair, that smile. Can't imagine a woman like that staying with-"

"I ended our relationship," I cut Whitmore off abruptly. "We were happy together but…" I had to invest a bit of trust in him or I'd never make progress. "It was too dangerous for us to stay together. I… I still love her but she's better off now. She still gives me hope though - thinking of her gets me through the cold and dark."

Whitmore contemplated these words for a while before saying, "You were able to leave her? I've never known anyone to walk away from love." I could tell this would be a sticking point for Whitmore, especially as his own loved ones left him. After a few more minutes in silence Whitmore spoke again. "I couldn't have done what you did. Put my loved ones first."

I was taken aback. No one had seen my breakup with Tonks in this light, not even myself. "Thank you for saying that," I said softly. Deciding I could trust Whitmore a bit more, I said, "No one else here knows about her – about Nymphadora."

Raising a hand to stall me, Whitmore said, "Say no more. I don't trust most of these blokes further than I could throw a troll." I smiled and muttered that it was a wise decision.

Over time, Fenrir's rhetoric became less about building a community and more about vengeance and expanding the werewolf breed. "We deserve blood. Blood and power." A majority of the men in our group were avidly agreeing with these words. "Next full moon, we'll turn children to our cause. Bite them young and raise them right." Fenrir gave me an icy stare. "If anyone interferes, I will have their head."

My face stayed neutral while I was working out a way to prevent this from happening. I could not slip all of them wolfsbane potion. I only knew that I did not want to be present while the savagery was going on. Trying to gauge opinion about the increase in radical by discussing it with my scavenging partners a few days after Fenrir's initial proclamation. "Children," I said quietly to Smith and Cooper. "How do you feel about children?" We were walking through a commercial area looking for edible food to take back. Most of our work was dumpster diving, the smell of which made me nauseous.

"Might taste better than some adults," Cooper offered with a shrug. "Can't hurt to teach them the right way to be. Let them see what they can have that other kids don't get."

"What do you suppose that is? A lifetime of shame and lies? Transformation for children is horrific." I didn't intend to go off on Cooper but this was too close to me for a cool response.

Smith had a condescending look on his face. "We should spare their innocence?" he said with a taunting voice. "You're the softest wolf I've ever met, Lupin. Being a wizard has made you weak." I wanted to hex Smith and Cooper and show them how weak of a wizard I was. Instead, I turned and headed back toward the camp. Digging through trash was bad enough but I didn't want to spend it with rubbish like those two.

The next visit from Kingsley brought an invitation from Molly and Arthur to join them at the Burrow for Christmas. I passed along my acceptance with a floating feeling of excited anticipation.

We were given leave of the encampment to spend time with 'anyone who cares enough to take you sons of hags in' as Fenrir so lovingly put it. Going back to my own house after living in true desolation for months made every amenity I owned feel like a luxury. I slept in a bed, had a chair to sit in, and was able to walk around without layers of clothes. After being home for a day, I noticed a small card and bag in a pile of mail.

Opening the card, my nostrils filled with Tonks' alluring smell causing my heart to sink while my stomach squirmed with delight. The front of the card was reminiscent of a stroll Tonks and I took the previous winter where she kissed me under mistletoe. Inside of the card was all business. Glancing at what appeared to be a recipe, I upturned the bag's contents on to the table. _Marshmallows! _There was also a package of graham crackers and chocolate. The recipe she gave me was for something she called _S'mores._

Deciding that it was unlikely she'd be poisoning me, I braved trying out the instructions. The result was the most amazing taste I had experienced in many months. It took a great deal of self-control to save some of the S'mores.

Christmas at the Burrow was an eventful affair. I wasn't sure if I was more warmed from the comfortably warm seat by the fire or the chance to listen to Harry. I missed my former student more than I was comfortable admitting. I was unsurprised that Harry was harboring doubts about Snape's loyalty to Dumbledore and the Order. For perhaps the first time in my life, I felt sympathy for the potionmaster's role of double agent. I was struggling with the fine line between spy and enemy every day I spent in Fenrir's presence. I therefore did my best to minimize Harry's distrust of Snape.

After our nightcap and a crooning carol from Celistina Warback, we all turned in for the night. I was thankful to get a room to myself in the very crowded house. While on the verge of drifting into a very comfortable sleep, a tap came to the door. "Who is it?" I called wondering who would be visiting me at this time of night. Surely I did not warrant a midnight well-wishing on Christmas.

The door opened and shut before I got a response. "It's George," came a hushed voice from across the small room. Grabbing my wand I lit the lamp on the nightstand. "I want a word with you about Tonks." George looked more stern and adult than I was accustomed to seeing as he sat on the bed across from me.

I was sitting up in bed now still feeling caught off guard by this late night meeting. "What about Tonks?" I asked trying to keep my tone even.

"I've been to see her and, well, I'm sure you've heard that she's not doing too well." George's words caused a myriad of questions to rush through my mind. _Why did he go visit Tonks? What does he mean by she's not doing well? Is she worse from this summer?_ Before I could voice a specific question he continued, "she's holding onto you and your memory like she's got nothing left going for her." George's usually kind face flashed with anger and ill-will. Then it struck me, he fancied her. It wasn't hard to imagine how Tonks could draw his eye as she had drawn so many people's attention before mine.

Finding my voice at last I said, "I made it clear to her that we can't, that we won't end up together." George huffed something that sounded remarkably like 'fool'. "I want what's best for Nymphadora and it's not me." Deciding to test my theory about George's feelings I continued, "And I'm sorry if it's not you either." I could tell by his reaction that I hit the quaffle perfectly. George left me without another word uttered between us. I was left to try and reach that comfortable state of drowsiness I had been at before my unexpected visitor came in but found it impossible with the thoughts buzzing through my head.

If I thought George's lecture from the previous night would be my only holiday reminder of the woman I loved, I was deeply mistaken. The next morning it was Harry who mentioned Tonks to me not realizing my relationship with her or, from what I could tell, that I knew her any better than he did. Hearing that her patronus now resembled a four legged, dog-like creature unnerved me slightly. I told a partial truth and said that a great emotional upheaval could cause the shape of a person's patronus to change. I did not, however, mention that I suspected what the distress was that caused a rift in her magical abilities. Molly made a point of mentioning that she had invited Tonks over and that she had decided to spend Christmas alone instead. The thought of Tonks sitting alone in her flat caused a cold weight to drop in my stomach.

As much as I had been looking forward to my visit to the Burrow, I was relieved to depart for the solitude of my flat. I had until after New Year to return to Leeds and planned on staying in the quiet comfort of my home as much as possible. Where Tonks had been a source of comfort while in the werewolf enclave, George's admonition made the thought of her haunting and depressing. While I didn't like the thought of Tonks being pursued by other men, I knew it was for the best. I still had sweet memories of her love to sustain me after all.

*from Pottermore


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